Do We Honor The Past Or The Present?

I seem to be caught in this conundrum of trying to sort out whether I should honor the past or honor the present.  We all have people;   friends, relatives, spouses or significant others, that have seen us literally through thick and thin.  They have developed a set of expectations of us and we of them.  For the most part, these are mutually beneficial expectations tested over time and habit.  I feel a tremendous obligation to honor these people that represent my past because they have loved and supported me when I have been difficult and undeserving.

Recently I have experienced what I can only describe as a personal awakening, which has brought forth a passion for writing and provided insight into what I need to give and to receive in personal relationships.  This insight represents my current view of what I think I need to survive and thrive as a thinner person.

The problem is that the people and relationships that got me where I am today won't meet what I think my needs will be going forward without a tremendous expenditure of time and emotion.  I don't want to backslide, but at the same time I don't want to dishonor the important people in my life, either.  I want to do the right thing, but I want to stay healthy, too, especially on the emotional front.

The obvious answer is to slog through the effort needed to make what I have work for me now.    Easier said than done.

RP

I think it's possible to honor the importance some relationships have had in our lives, while recognizing that they've run their course.  People are always changing, and as we grow, we sometimes grow in different directions.  As we change, the needs we have or the things we want out of our relationships with others change.  We can feel grateful for the love and support we've gotten in the past, while recognizing that we're starting to move in different directions from these people.  There's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't make anyone the bad guy.  The process we go through with WLS is so intense- I'm still pre-op, and I can see my needs and relationships changing already.  For example, I've noticed I'm unconsciously spending less time with my friends who share or encourage my pre-op bad eating habits.  It wasn't intentional, it just occurred to me recently that I was doing it.  I was making the changes within myself and my lifestyle to get used to what my post-op needs will be, and that kept me out of certain types of situations.  Unfortunately, those situations I tended to share with certain friends, which translates to less time spent with them.  I have been making an effort to try to encourage new activities with these friends, but change takes time.  So, I guess what I'm trying to say with this long, rambling, somewhat off-topic post is that if what we need out of our relationships changes, either the relationship has to change to accommodate it (sometimes to the detriment of the relationship), or it fades.  But, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that change doesn't necessarily mean disrespect or dishonor- that's in how the change is handled.  Don't know if my rambling helped or even made sense, I hope it did!
-Sarah   

I'm finding that  TIME has helped somewhat.  Over time my family and small number of friends see that generally I am the same person.  I guess it has been the hardest on my family since they see more than just the physical changes.  Because I haven't wanted to rock anybody's boat I have yet to sit down and explain my changes with my DH, but it's not fair to either of us that I keep it all to myself.  I'm scared to work on this part of it.  Recognizing and voicing my feelings is extremely difficult for me but It's part of this journey and I need to bite the bullet and get on with it.  I think I've hidden from it as long as I could.  I'm sure it's not as scarey as I think and everything will probably be so much better on the other end of it but I was raised to keep my emotions hidden and I've done it very well.  Well, there I've said it...now I have to act on it.

RP....now you have really given me something to think about. I too have a long journey ahead of me!!

Many hugs....connie d

Friends have always been extremely important to me throughout my life.  WLS has brought me an unexpected PLETHORA of dear, wonderful, understanding friends, and I find that I NEED to spend time with them - the conflict for me is determining HOW MUCH TIME I can allow myself with my "new" friends, without alienating my family.

I feel very fortunate - they've been quite accomodating of the time I spend with my "former fatty" friends (their affectionate term).  But they do communicate to me that sometimes, I spend TOO MUCH time with friends and not enough with family.  Why can't days be longer?  Why can't we have an 8th day every week??

It is a balancing game.  I agree, sometimes a relationship will run it's course, and no longer serve a meaningful purpose in our lives.  Some relationships are worth holding on to forever - but this is definitely a tightrope we tread upon.  I'm not sure there's a clear answer.  Truth be told, the answer probably won't make itself known in this lifetime - the trick is to live so that in our final moment on this earth, we can look back and not have many regrets.