Taming the Beast Within (long)

Taming the Beast Within

Sometimes it whispers to me, sometimes it screams.  It is the beast within me, this inner voice of unreason that questions the value of my existence and derides me for my every fault and weakness.  I have tried time and again to smother it with food, but it just got hungrier and stronger.  It is insatiable and never shuts up completely, never gives me peace.  At times I have worried that it would consume me entirely.

I have wanted to kill it, this beast, but I am afraid that would ultimately lead to my own self-destruction.  So, instead, I have decided to tame it, to make it submissive to me, to give me power over it.  A man needs an inner voice to remind him to be humble and to contribute willingly to the greater good, but that voice can’t be so loud and so unrelentingly critical that one’s self-respect is stifled and collapses from neglect.

In the past I have looked to the strength in others to tame the beast within me.  I thought that if I did enough to please them, if I could be acceptable or at least tolerable in their eyes, that they would throttle the beast for me.  It was the coward’s way and I knew it.  So did the beast and its roars just kept getting louder and more confident.  Out of fear for my own physical and mental health, I finally decided to fight back, to gather enough of my own strength to keep the beast at bay.  Weight loss surgery was the first big step I took in that fight.

The battle is ongoing, but most days I feel like I have the upper hand.  There are still some days when I grow weary, when my defenses drop, and I feel emotionally naked and vulnerable, on the verge of tears and susceptible to another attack from within.  Those days are becoming less and less frequent as my body and soul continue to grow, as I become stronger emotionally and more the man I need to be.

Since I am not yet a hermit, the struggle I am engaged in has not been experienced in isolation.  The people in my day to day life have witnessed and endured my swirling emotions and probably wondered a time or two about my sanity.  So have I, to be honest.  I am often restless, on edge, feeling like testosterone is raging through my veins, leaving me, shall we say, frisky one day and irritable the next.  I don’t fit comfortably into any part of my life right now.  However, it is my hope that once I have the beast a bit more firmly and consistently under my control that I will be able to push aside those things in my life that don’t serve to nurture my inner strength or sense of self-worth, at which point I will be more at peace with myself and the beast within.

RP