WAY OT: Sad, mad and in tears.

flyrep
on 9/19/07 8:54 pm - AZ

I have made myself numb over the past year concerning my little brother. His choices have lead him to a hellish life. He moved to FL early this year and I have only talked with him twice since. Last night my little brother was found hanging, blue and lifeless. If it where not for his new in-laws he would be dead. Up till now I have not let myself cry about anything concerning him. I have just prayed for him and let be what is. Tonight I prayed to Heavenly Father to help me cry ,to let myself go, to feel something. And now as I type I have a river down my chest. We where ALWAYS together growing up. I pretty much raised him. If you read my story you'll understand why. Its on the bottom of my blog. I'm in tears as I type, I cant hold him, protect him like I did when we where kids. I cant see him or talk with him. I have no clue as to why he would do this. He is Sp. Needs, though has never tried this sort of thing. He married someone he bearly knew and I'm sure it's turned out not in his favor. My heartless, only looking after himself father called my mother to inform her. Not giving her much info at all. Shortly hanging up. My mothers health is not good and is feeling as I. She was not there for us when growing up and I know she is feeling part to blame. Im just now starting to get to know her, learning to try and love her and yet set my own limits with her. A very hard thing to do and for my brother maybe not doable at all. He has not contacted her in months. Im sad. Im 30 years old and I have YET to let my family put me under. I have fought, I have left. I have been without family but I have never let them get the best of me. I have learned HOW NOT to live by them. He is all I had growing up. Protecting him helped me protect myself. He gave me reason to live. If it wasnt for him I would not be the person I am today. If I lose my little brother I will be lost. I have my WLS in 5 flipping days. That is if all my pre opt and heart scan come back good. This is no time for my to feel the way I am... I haven't even freaked out about my WLS> Iv been doing good. And now this