Hey peeps :)

Well it has been a long time since I was a regular poster here but recently I've come to the conclusion I need support that I simply cannot get in my real world life.

Im a few days away from my 3 year surgiversary and I've really let myself go. I am quite ashamed of my past years actions and know I need to get back under control.

I knew this would happen. It always does in my life. I have bi-polar disorder with severe depression. In the past I had no trouble losing weight, when I wasn't depressed. Control is something I'm naturally very good at and enjoy. I thrive in a constant set of boundries, either self imposed or external. As my depression cycles worsen this control is lost and all areas of improvement and achievment in my life are thrown to the side. I then live in a world of pain, self pity, failures and until finally reaching pure apathy.

These effects of my illness are during "normal" times in my life. If there are major stressors, my problems become exponentially worse.

This pre-amble is simply to say I was certain before I had surgery that there would be times in my life where I would not be the best post op patient. In some ways it made me even more determined to be the BEST I could be when my mental state was well, to make up for the troubles that lay ahead. I'm not certain I'm "better" yet but I actually care about myself enough to want to be a better postie, this is major progress.

This is not to say my backsliding is visable in any way. I didn't regain all of my weight or any of my pre op co-morbidities. I simply haven't been following the rules which in itself is a punishment.

So what have I been negligent about? Ugh this is the hard part that I know I need to do. I need to be accountable for my behaviours to you all so that I will be accountable to myself.

1. I have been severely negligent with vitamins. I almost never take daily vitamins, calcium, iron, vitamin C or D. I haven't been taking any of my B's as I ran out of B12 sublingual which I can only find in the USA and have not been over to get some in many months. I could be taking my B complex and B1 but haven't even though I have a huge supply of them.

2. I have been severely neglegent with exercise/activity. I rarely leave the house more than once a week, and by leave I mean actually step outside for anything. I often spend entire days in bed doing absolutely nothing.

3. I have been mildly negligent with my protein intake. I often don't keep track of how many grams I get in each day and I know I need more than I have been getting.

4. I have been mildly negligent with bad carbs. I am not a carbaphobe and have eaten lots since day one out of surgery. I have simply been eating too much white and treat type foods

5. I have been ignoring the signs of fullness. I can stop eating very early in a meal, I feel full and satisfied. I often continue eating long after this point.

6. I have not been keeping track of my fiber intake at all.

7. I have been drinking too many calories. I have about 500 calories a day in lattes.

8. I have gained too much weight. (I was trying hard to gain weight for so long it kept going after I wanted it to stop) I am very displeased with my current appearance and often very self depricating over it.

9. I have used food as my emotional crutch daily.

10. I have gotten Garrett to bring me treats just like the old days.


There may be more but that's what I can think of right now.

So it is my intention to right these wrongs. I have already started getting better with a couple but I need to work daily at getting back to where I want to be with this post op GB life.

One of the reasons I NEED to do this now is because it has been a horrifically painfull year for me and 2 days ago I got even more bad news. I could easily let this news destroy my recent attempts to get back on track but I need to stay focused and OH has always been here for me when I needed help with that.

So expect to hear my blithering daily and those of you who didnt like me before, get your ignore function warmed up :)

HUGS
PK

So the hard part is done.  You have named and accepted the issues.  So lean on us and we can make this through together.  I go into surgery on Sept 21 but will be here for you as much as I can.

oooh Good luck to you on the 21st!! I will be keeping my paws crossed for you :)
HUGS
PK

Welcome back, PK!  We've missed you around here.  Sorry to hear of your struggles, but owning it is the first step, as you well know.  We care about you and here to support you and/or kick your butt as needed.  Happy to see you!! 

awww tankies Jen :)
Happy to see you again as well!
HUGS
PK

Well I'm new here, but it sounds to me like you are taking the first step, admitting you need the support of WLS peers.  I think I always will, it will help keep me accountable.  Glad to have you back!

Tyvm Kelly :)
Being accountable is key for many of us :)
HUGS
PK

I missed you oodles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    

We share the same depression affliction and you know where you can find me!!

I'm so glad you're back..I'm tired of taking all the bashing by myself..I will spread the wealth..LOL

Love you ~ girlfriend
Dawn

dang I love your dancing siggy!
Loves back attcha and oooooh thanks for being so generous with the bashing fests :P
HUGS and Kitties!
PK

HEY!! Don't forget me Dawn!!

I missed you PK!!