OT Not Doing Good

I got a call from my sister in So. Ca tonight and my mother isn't doing good.  The hospice called and needed mortuary information.  Of course it is unknown how long it may be.  My sister decided not to have a service so if I want to say my good  byes I need to go there.  I still haven't decided if I'm going to go.  She doesn't know who anyone is at this point and I don't think I want to remember her this way.  I went through this with my Dad 4 years ago and I still regret the last image I have of him in my mind.  I think I would like to remember her as she was, not as she is now.

So sorry to hear this. You have to do what feels right to you.

That's a really tough place to be.  I think you should go with your instinct.  I had a friend died a couple years ago of cancer.  At the end, he was disoriented but still knew who we were.  I cherish that I spent his last day on earth sitting and holding his hand and letting him know he was loved while he was here.  It was extremely painful to watch him waste away so quickly (he was diagnosed and died just 7 weeks later) and I'm not sure I would have been able to visit with him if he hadn't know who I was.  On the other hand, my daughter grew up knowing him and she and I both knew that seeing him as he was in the end was just not something she needed or wanted.  Both answers were right.  There is no wrong answer to this.  My prayers go out to you through this difficult time.

I don't blame you for really not wanting to go.  I and my husband were with my MIL when she passed & I will never forget her taking her last breath...and that's been 11 yrs ago now.  I'm sorry for you having to go through this though.  Hang in there. 

the choice is yours, no one can make you do something your not comfortable with.
you do what makes you happy

I'll pray for your stregnth, god bless, take care of you !


xoxo maria 

 I am sorry to hear this, I will keep  you in my prayers.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I went through this same thing with my grandfather last year whom I was super close to, he was another care taker of mine. He had Alzheimer's along with various cancers and I too didn't know if I wanted to see him like that and just remember him how he was.After a long debate I ended up going to the home he was in and it was two days before he died. Everyday I am so grateful to have been able to see him and have my goodbyes with him. He was unable to talk and didn't know who I was but when I said " goodbye grandpa I love you" he half smiled and mumbled " I love you too". It was absolutely amazing. I know that I would have regreted not seeing him one last time. People are different and that might be an image that would bother you and honestly it bothered me, but now I look at it as a thing im ok with. Im sure you will do whatever your heart says, I am so so sorry and I feel your pain.
Sending my thoughts to you.
Lindsey

I'm very very sorry to hear about this. you are in my thoughts.

My mom's last days weren't very lucid, but mostly due to the morphine (end stage colon cancer), and I cherish the few lucid moments she and I shared, but I also know that I was F*d up for a couple of years from the nightmare of that last visit at her side in the hospital. When I got there they told me she wouldn't make it through the night. I'd purchased a ticket home, I had to get home for my last weigh-in for my supervised diet, and my surgical consultation, and there were a few other issues at play. Nobody expected my mum to still be with us when my return flight was scheduled.

In the end I spent about seven days at her side (literally) in the hospital, spending almost no time elsewhere.... I slept holding her hand in a chair at her side, or in one of the chairs in the hospital room.

The hardest thing for me was to leave knowing I would never see her again. By that time the docs were no longer certain if she would live an hour, a day or month. I did know that my sister was arriving (half of my decision of when to leave was based on my own animosity towards my sister).... I can still remember walking down that hallway, knowing that this was IT.

I don't know how it would have been if she was 'gone" mentally ... but think that would be totally different .... you know and have experienc about this alraedy, sadly, and know what is right. Cherish the memories you have of her clear, lucid.....there is nothing wrong with that choice.

My husband knows that if I check out mentally, the package left behind, whether breathing or not, is just that.... wrapping.... once the important stuff is gone, the rest doesn' matter.

I am so sorry to hear that and, I and everyone else here knows that you will make the right choice for you and your peace of mind. I pretty much feel the way you do about remembering her the way she was. I have had alot of death in my 32 years and sometimes memories of the things you last see like that can haunt your thoughts, and make it hard to remember other things. On the other hand being there also has its rewards after their gone. I will keep you in my thoughts and know that you will make the choice that is right for you.

Thanks everyone. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I am leaning towards not going but I am still not sure.