Midlife crisis: Have you had one? How did you get through it?

My favorite affirmation is

"there is enough time"

Write it on your mirror.

First off this is from a man's perspective.  Yes, I had a mid-life crisis.  Mine was right around the time I turned 40. 

I was not having any issues at home, no problems with my wife etc.  My parents were both starting to have some serious health issues. Fortunately they are still around today but dad is in the intermediate stages of dementia at 81 and my mom has had atherosclerosis issues that have resulted in surgeries for her heart as well as her carotid arteries. 

I had an experience (surgery, not this one) that absolutely scared me to death.  Honestly, in hind sight it was nothing (a ventral hernia repair) but I was absolutely petrified of anesthesia and the surgical procedure.  

I have a 12 year old son that I absolutely think the world of.  He is the best thing and even though he is a part of me I give my wife all of the biological credit for being the vehicle for the beautiful person God has blessed us with.

Between watching my son speed up as my dad slows down,  my fear of not waking up from surgery etc. all triggered me to sense my mortality.  I finally realized that I had been taking breath for a period of time longer than I probably had left in this life under natural cir****tances. 

At the time I was so freaked out by all of this I didn't know what to do.  I started meditating, seriously reading the bible etc.  I am happy to say I didn't do anything like have an affair, buy a Porsche, develop a drug or alcohol addiction or anything else I would later regret. 

I did reach out for counseling through the Employee Assistance Program at my work.  I got 6 sessions with a counselor that was best person God could have put in front of me at that time.  Immediately I was comfortable baring my soul to her and telling her what I was going through.  

I learned several things through my experience that for me are my keys to life.

1.  Time is our most precious resource, once it is gone we can never get it back no matter what we do. It is more valuable than gold, silver, cash or any other material object.

2.  I work to live, I don't live to work.  Funny I say that as I'm up at 3AM getting ready to travel for the day after I was away from home all last week and I got in late last night and will be out for 2 weeks beginning Monday.  I have a job that is fast paced and very stressful at times.  I have alot of pressure and responsibility as well.  I am responsible for voice and data networks for a large hospital system.  Peoples lives can depend on solutions and ideas I create and implement.  That is a responsibility I carry with great pride.    I work so I can live and support my family.  My kid doesn't care about the work I was off doing at 1:30 AM Tuesday morning at a community hospital in the northeast upgrading their network.  He cares about getting a ride on dad's motorcycle.   I am very proud of my job and honestly like (won't say love) what I do but it is not what defines me.  

3.  What defines me is the man I am to my family and others.  It's not what my job title is, how big my paycheck is, how big my house is, if my camper is the biggest one at the campground etc.  Now having the most *****in' motorcyle in the parking lot does matter to me (J/K). Seriously, being the best son, husband, and daddy (I want to be a daddy, not a "father") I can and wanting to be those things, not feeling obligated to be them.   Being honest, having integrity (which to me is doing the right thing when no one is looking), doing what I tell someone I am going to do, being kind (as best I know how) to others, treating others with respect etc.  Those are things that define me.

4.  On our tombstone it's not the date of our birth and our death that matter, it's what we did during the dash between that makes a difference.  I'm no saint, choir boy etc. but the little things like holding a door for a stranger, letting someone merge in traffic, thanking someone that lets me merge, slipping the person holding the "I'm hungry" sign a $20 ($20 will not change my life and if the person holding that sign is scheming they will be the one that has to account to their creator for their actions some day and God help them when that time comes).  In addition to what I said in (3) these things I do during "the dash" I can do anonymously.  I do these things without any expectations, pre-conceived norions, do them with a pure spirit and because I honestly want to do them.

5.  Family is the most important thing. No elaboration needed.  I love my family and have discovered as I get older that I love my wife more every day.  Can't explain it, it just is what it is.  Often times things don't work out between folks,  I get it, understand it and respect it.  

6.  Things aren't always as they seem.  If something looks a particular way that doesn't mean that is how it really is.

7.  I believe in spirituality, not religion.  Don't know how to explain this in detail.  We didn't come from monkeys, some big explosion didn't create this blue marble we live on, all of the forms of life we know of aren't a result of some type of science.  God created all of this and I believe he came to earth in the form of man and died on the cross to cleanse my sins.  I don't have to go to a building all dressed up 2 or 3 times a week to celebrate that and offer him praise.  That to me is "religion".  Those of other faiths, I respect your right to believe what you believe but don't necessarily agree with it.

8.  Work hard, but let it go at the end of the day.  I owe my employer the best I can give them every day.  I try to flip off that switch when it's quitting time but my vocation is one that often times requires late nights and alot of times I will be thinking about an issue or trying to come up with an idea and I can't let it go.  What happens at work is supposed to stay at work and not come home.  This I am still working on.

9.  I am a human being, not a human doing.  Most of us go through life just going through the motions.  We don't take time to be in wonder and awe of the little miracles we overlook every day.  Another way to say this is to take time to stop and smell the roses.

10.  We need an outlet that we enjoy.  Mine is my motorcycle.  I traveled 500 miles yesterday back from a job up in the northeast.  Had something really nagging me that I couldn't let go of (work related).  Got home and got out the bike and rode about 50 miles.  Cleared my head and felt better.  My wife and son had a dinner date already planned and I was home a day early.  Even though we didn't spend the evening together we did have time when they got home.

11.  This is all there is.  This life is all there is and we need to try to make the best of it.  When we were kids we had big dreams being rich, having big homes and cars, boats and other material posessions.  We grow up, get married have kids and then reality sets in.  The reality is that is life for not just you and me, but for everyone.  

12.  None of us get out of here alive. No matter what we do we all end up the same, dead.

I know I have rambled on aimlessly for a very long time and if you read all of this God Bless You. In hindsight, I view what at that time what I though was my "midlife crisis" as my "spiritual awakening". I am in the "afternoon" of my life.   

I hope that you find a way to work though the things you are going through right now.  Regardless of the course of action you take remember you aren't the first one that took the path you ultimately go down and you won't be the last.  When you come out "the other side" I hope you find whatever it is you were hoping to and you can be at peace with yourself.

Take Care!

Chris

All I can say is WOW. And Thank You. What an insightful reply. And at 3am no less. I truly and sincerely appreciate that you took time to share that with me. I did read all of it--was a little sad when it was done! :) Lots of great things to ponder. I'm prayerful that my counseling will help me find my way a little more easily than if I was travelling the path alone.

I hate feeling so selfish. I lost the right to be selfish when I had children, but there is still this impossible nagging in my gut that is drawing me to make decisions that, sadly, I will regret later. I must figure out. I do love my family. And yes, family is the most important thing. It sickens me to think that the issues I'm facing with myself and my husband may lead to the permanent alteration of our family unit. I'm trying, but some days it feels almost insurmountable.

You mentioned needing an outlet. Boy is that ever the truth. During this episode I'm having I've often said I feel like someone cut out Denise and inserted Mom. I don't really even know who I am anymore. I don't pursue my likes and interests, but again it feels selfish to say that although I know in my head if Momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy, so I have to find something to fulfill me.

Again, thank you so very, very much for your thoughts. Travel safely, both for work and on your motorcycle.

With much appreciation for your open, honest reflection, 

Denise