Sort of OT, but looking for words of understanding and encouragement
I started this process on 2/22/12. My husband was very supportive and went to all meetings, preop education sessions, etc. Well, we probably have not had sex in like 6 weeks. Time is not the excuse anymore bcuz he is laid off. I will admit that in the last year it is hard due to my size and he is no light weight either--about 60 lbs overweight. So, we had talked yesterday and made a "date". That never came to fruition. Tonight I asked him if he just didn't find me sexy anymore, and I said "it's ok, tell me the truth".
Well he did! He said I was not as sexy as I used to be. The conversation ended at that. I have been going through different emotions for the last 2 hours. First, I felt horrible about myself and how could I let myself get this fat and unattractive. Then came--the *******! He is no skinny minny and he has the gall to tell me that! But, I asked for it.
Now, still feeling bad but will lose this fricken weight no matter what! He needs to lose weight too, but I am focusing on ME now! Maybe he will wake up and staart to focus on him!
Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful supportive man, and I could not ask for better. I did this to myself!
Anyone else?
Well he did! He said I was not as sexy as I used to be. The conversation ended at that. I have been going through different emotions for the last 2 hours. First, I felt horrible about myself and how could I let myself get this fat and unattractive. Then came--the *******! He is no skinny minny and he has the gall to tell me that! But, I asked for it.
Now, still feeling bad but will lose this fricken weight no matter what! He needs to lose weight too, but I am focusing on ME now! Maybe he will wake up and staart to focus on him!
Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful supportive man, and I could not ask for better. I did this to myself!
Anyone else?
aww sweetie , I'm sorry that he said that, I actually am sorry for HIM , a man should know better than to EVER come close to saying that to his wife .
You DID tell him to say the truth and he was fool enough to do it.
Try not to hold it against him , I am sure if YOU are truthful he isn't as attractive in your eyes either.
Unfortunately words spoken can never be taken back
You DID tell him to say the truth and he was fool enough to do it.
Try not to hold it against him , I am sure if YOU are truthful he isn't as attractive in your eyes either.
Unfortunately words spoken can never be taken back
Donna Q. --5'8" -60 years old
Band 2005
hw320 sw276 lw with band 195 gw 160-180?
Bypass 4/4/2012
pre sw 258 lw RNY 162 cw 203
IrishIze
on 4/16/12 12:09 pm - NJ
on 4/16/12 12:09 pm - NJ
Well, I'm really sorry it came to this, and that he was so blunt about it, but maybe it's a good thing that will open up communication.
Of course I could say something like sexy comes from within (oh, that's coming, just not right now), but when you're feeling unattractive or un-sexy, it's hard to send the 'sexy' message. I agree that it goes both ways - how many women feel that their sex lives aren't what they used to be because they have gotten fat or are so busy with the job, the house and the kids, that they just don't keep themselves up? But I've seen just as many men who let themselves go, so they shouldn't be let off the hook too easily either.
Also, with hubby being laid off, he may be going through some emotional stuff - that might be something you two could discuss as well.
Bottom line, (here it comes...) fat or thin doesn't make a person sexy. It is a state of mind and I know when you feel unattractive it's hard to feel sexy. Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. Schedule another date night. Put some effort into it and get yourself something sexy to wear. Drop little hints to him during the day. Give him a passionate kiss for no reason, then walk away. You know...those kinds of things. At first you might feel kind of awkward, but I know your hubby will appreciate your efforts and THAT will be sexy as hell to him!
Good luck!!
Of course I could say something like sexy comes from within (oh, that's coming, just not right now), but when you're feeling unattractive or un-sexy, it's hard to send the 'sexy' message. I agree that it goes both ways - how many women feel that their sex lives aren't what they used to be because they have gotten fat or are so busy with the job, the house and the kids, that they just don't keep themselves up? But I've seen just as many men who let themselves go, so they shouldn't be let off the hook too easily either.
Also, with hubby being laid off, he may be going through some emotional stuff - that might be something you two could discuss as well.
Bottom line, (here it comes...) fat or thin doesn't make a person sexy. It is a state of mind and I know when you feel unattractive it's hard to feel sexy. Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. Schedule another date night. Put some effort into it and get yourself something sexy to wear. Drop little hints to him during the day. Give him a passionate kiss for no reason, then walk away. You know...those kinds of things. At first you might feel kind of awkward, but I know your hubby will appreciate your efforts and THAT will be sexy as hell to him!
Good luck!!
Irish......
Thanks everyone! I do believe that IRISH hit the nail on the head. I have been in a real funk for over a year about my weight and how I hate how I look, feel, etc. I know that he and my daughters are so sick of hearing about it. I gained 50lbs over the last 4 years due to menopause, lack of physical actiity, depression, empty nest,, lalalalal.
He and I talked about it last week, how it is not sexy always hearing negative things I say about myself. Thanks! for re-opening my eyes!
I used to feel so sexy and horny! I want that back!
He and I talked about it last week, how it is not sexy always hearing negative things I say about myself. Thanks! for re-opening my eyes!
I used to feel so sexy and horny! I want that back!
We all aren't as "sexy" as we used to be... and like Irish said, he may have some of his own stuff going on with his job situation. Some guys aren't as good at identifying what is bothering them as others might be, and unfortunately, you were an easy target.
Focus on taking care of yourself, and you'll find your sexy again... and he won't be able to resist!
Focus on taking care of yourself, and you'll find your sexy again... and he won't be able to resist!
HW:317 SW:255 CW:147
First let me say, my partner has been less interested in sex since I've lost weight. I have asked him if he finds me less attractive now and he says no, that's not it. I'm not sure I believe him though. He has had a few different excuses for his reduced interest in sex - he was under a lot of stress, he was feeling guilty about having sex outside of marriage (we aren't married, because HE doesn't want to get married, but he thinks it's a sin to have sex outside of marriage... geez, don't get me started!), etc. I don't really know what to think. I still suspect it has at least a little something to do with my weight.
For you, though, I'm thinking you and your hubby need to have a good talk. When he says you're not as sexy as you used to be, does he mean as you were before you gained weight, before you started losing weight, what? And what exactly does he find sexy? Because honestly, at least for most people, sexy is only so much about what someone looks like you know? It's more about what someone acts like.
Assuming he loves you and has a "normal" interest in sex, whatever "normal" means, this should be an issue he'd like to get better too. You might wanna consider seeing a counselor together to make it easier to talk about this stuff.
My feelings would be really hurt too, in your shoes. And yeah, I would want to know the truth too, but it would still hurt.
For you, though, I'm thinking you and your hubby need to have a good talk. When he says you're not as sexy as you used to be, does he mean as you were before you gained weight, before you started losing weight, what? And what exactly does he find sexy? Because honestly, at least for most people, sexy is only so much about what someone looks like you know? It's more about what someone acts like.
Assuming he loves you and has a "normal" interest in sex, whatever "normal" means, this should be an issue he'd like to get better too. You might wanna consider seeing a counselor together to make it easier to talk about this stuff.
My feelings would be really hurt too, in your shoes. And yeah, I would want to know the truth too, but it would still hurt.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Thank you for all of the supportive messages! We talked this morning,because I am one of those women that cannot hold my emotions inside. I have to get them out, discussed and resolved in a timely manner.
Kelly and whomever else mentioned this, the "less sexy" is more about my attitude about myself. I am constantly degrading and putting myself down because of my weight. I am working on this. I used to love who I was, and now it seems that ME=Fat person and not any of the other great accomplishments I have in my life. Time to change my glasses!
Kelly and whomever else mentioned this, the "less sexy" is more about my attitude about myself. I am constantly degrading and putting myself down because of my weight. I am working on this. I used to love who I was, and now it seems that ME=Fat person and not any of the other great accomplishments I have in my life. Time to change my glasses!
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Aw, love, what a hard situation. I'm sorry you had to hear that, but I've always been a firm believer that open communication is one of the most important things in a marriage. And honestly, as much as it hurts to hear, I would rather my husband tell me the truth than lie and let something fester. It sounds like he isn't trying to be hurtful, but just wants to let you know what's going on.
I can't really say it any better than Irish did, but I'll second her comment that sexiness is mental as well as physical. You're already on the right road to improving your health and weight, but you can help put yourself back into a sexier state of mind as well. I know all too well how difficult it is to feel sexy at the end of a long day when all you see is dirty dishes, an unmade bed, stretchmarks, and cellulite (not insinuating anything about YOU, love. These are my personal experiences).
But if you can get past whatever obstacles are blocking you from feeling like a tigress, you can totally flip the switch. Spend a little time in the morning connecting with the WOMAN in you. Appreciate that smooth curve of your hip. Flex your calves and feel the strength in them. Smile for no reason. Put on your sexiest underthings, no matter what you're wearing on top. Throughout the day, give yourself little boosts and it will help keep that inner vixen awake. And when YOU feel confident and sexy, your husband will see it too.
And boy oh boy...men and weight. I must say, my husband is a large man. Even when he was at his thinnest, he's still just a big guy. Broad and wide shoulders and muscular. But he's often overweight. He yo-yos as badly as I do. And truthfully, when he's heavier, sex isn't as much fun. I'm still attracted to him, but sex isn't the first priority. I'm hoping that when he comes home, my surgery will help improve his weight as well as my own, and we'll have better chemistry. I'm sure it will work that way for your husband as well, especially if you do the cooking.
No fear--it will all work out. In the meantime, don't let it drag you down.
I can't really say it any better than Irish did, but I'll second her comment that sexiness is mental as well as physical. You're already on the right road to improving your health and weight, but you can help put yourself back into a sexier state of mind as well. I know all too well how difficult it is to feel sexy at the end of a long day when all you see is dirty dishes, an unmade bed, stretchmarks, and cellulite (not insinuating anything about YOU, love. These are my personal experiences).
But if you can get past whatever obstacles are blocking you from feeling like a tigress, you can totally flip the switch. Spend a little time in the morning connecting with the WOMAN in you. Appreciate that smooth curve of your hip. Flex your calves and feel the strength in them. Smile for no reason. Put on your sexiest underthings, no matter what you're wearing on top. Throughout the day, give yourself little boosts and it will help keep that inner vixen awake. And when YOU feel confident and sexy, your husband will see it too.
And boy oh boy...men and weight. I must say, my husband is a large man. Even when he was at his thinnest, he's still just a big guy. Broad and wide shoulders and muscular. But he's often overweight. He yo-yos as badly as I do. And truthfully, when he's heavier, sex isn't as much fun. I'm still attracted to him, but sex isn't the first priority. I'm hoping that when he comes home, my surgery will help improve his weight as well as my own, and we'll have better chemistry. I'm sure it will work that way for your husband as well, especially if you do the cooking.
No fear--it will all work out. In the meantime, don't let it drag you down.
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Check out my video blog! www.youtube.com/user/HappilyShrinking/videos
Highest weight: 269. Surgery weight: 233. Goal weight: 144, and then we'll see..
Check out my video blog! www.youtube.com/user/HappilyShrinking/videos
Highest weight: 269. Surgery weight: 233. Goal weight: 144, and then we'll see..
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