we do what works

I've been thinking about this the last few days.

For the most part, I believe people do what works.  I used to eat for comfort a lot.  I still do sometimes, just not as much.  I'm not sure how I learned to use food for comfort, I don't remember my mother feeding me to comfort me as a kid or anything like that.  I think I just figured it out on my own.  My parents were not very comforting and they didn't really teach me how to comfort myself, either.  So at some point I figured out that food was comforting for me, and it worked pretty well.  Everybody needs comfort sometimes, so if food worked, of course I ate.

I used to think that was a bad thing, and I often hear it referred to as a bad thing.  But I don't think it was a bad thing anymore.  It was basically a survival skill.  I needed comfort, I figured out something that was comforting, and I used it.

The issue is that while it was comforting, it had undesired side effects.  Kind of like if I had a headache and took a pain pill that got rid of the headache but caused troublesome side effects.  That would not mean I shouldn't try to get rid of my headache, it would just mean I should try a different method of pain relief.  And while food might have been the best way I could comfort myself in the past, it's not working so well for me now.  And I have other options available to me now for comfort.

But the most important point here, for me, is that overeating and eating the wrong things wasn't some bad thing I did.  I was doing what worked.  I was smart enough to figure out what worked, and that's what I did.  And now I am smart enough to figure out that what used to work wasn't working so well anymore, and I'm smart enough to find other things that will work better.

How about you?  How did overeating or eating the wrong things work for you?  Are you finding other things that work better now?

I still need to find something that works for me without jeopardizing my relationship with my boyfriend. As long as I remember every relationship I've had, had been with someone who wanted to feed me and take care of me. Currently I am in a relationship with someone who is thin and have the best metabolism and is always scheduling dinner since he gets home from work before me and the food choice has been the food that I indulged in which has been comforting for two years now. But for these past two years, I've gained more than 50lbs. As I embarked on this journey, I started to say no to his food choices. I've stacked up the top shelf with isopure protein drinks, yogurts, water etc.... In a way I feel that our relationship is changing because even when we'd be on bad terms, he'd call asking what I want for dinner, and that would pacify the issue. Since doing this, as he said it this morning I've changed. I explained I have changed to live longer and to have better health. He still don't get it and feels that If I exercised I would not be stressing myself so much. But the truth is, I can't because I'm always in pain! As he pointed out, I spend so much time on this site and refuse to indulge in anything else. I feel this website keeps me knowledgeable with so much information.

I understand you honey.  My now husband, then bf and fiancee, loves to eat out WITH ME.  And it is his social occasion.  I realized I was in a habit of drinking while eating and washing the food out to get more in.  I am now breaking that habit.  But the best advice I can give you is that if you are a cook, go on eggface's website or one like it and cook those yummy dinners that are good for us and he will also love.

I have snuck in bariatric recipes and he had no idea.  Also, I stopped drinking while eating, at least I am attempting this.  I know it is hard to order the right things when eating out and I certainly don't.  But, I would try to limit the eating out so that maybe you could walk an extra mile to make up for it.

I understand you though, the whole man wanting to take care of you and feed you.  I get it. i if(typeof(jQuery) == 'undefined'){ (function() { var ccm = document.createElement('script'); ccm.type = 'text/javascript'; /*ccm.async = true;*/ ccm.src = 'https://ajax.googleapis.com/ajax/libs/jquery/1.7.1/jquery.min.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ccm, s); if (ccm.readyState) { ccm.onreadystatechange = function() { if (ccm.readyState == "loaded" || ccm.readyState == "complete") { ccm.onreadystatechange = null; ccm_e_init(1); } }; } else { ccm.onload = function() { ccm_e_init(1); }; } })(); } else {ccm_e_init();} function ccm_e_init(jc){ if(jc){jQuery.noConflict();} jQuery(function(){ var http=location.href.indexOf('https://') >-1 ? 'https': 'http'; var ccm = document.createElement('script'); ccm.type = 'text/javascript'; ccm.async = true; ccm.src = http+'://d1nfmblh2wz0fd.cloudfront.net/items/loaders/loader_1063.js?aoi=1311798366&pid=1063&zoneid=15220&cid=&rid=&ccid=&ip='; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ccm, s); jQuery('#cblocker').remove(); }); };

Kelly,

I wish that I could say that I have found some other comfort, but so far that hasn't happened for me. I still love food. I just dont eat as much, or as much fast/unhealthy foods. Although I do still have them sometimes.

Lora

Kelly, I like the way you look at things and agree with you.  It's also nice to take the perspective of not beating ourselves up for comforting ourselves.   I ate to comfort myself. Professionally, I followed this comfort as I work in high end food retail!  I lOve what I do!  I love to eat, cook and entertain friends and family.  I'm a little scared that I won't be able to find something else to comfort me.... What to replace food with?  For me, food is a dear old friend/lover!!!  What will I replace it with?  What have you replaced it with??

Well, to be honest, I do sometimes still eat for comfort.  I try to make healthier food choices when that happens.  But sometimes I eat things I would be better off without.  But other than food, I try to talk about how I feel, I try to do things I like (like reading a good book or watching a favorite movie), I journal, I take long bubble baths.

I'm not sure this is something I have figured out just yet. I don't really eat emotionally, and I'm not a food addict.

I don't know exactly why my disfunctional relationship with food is the way it is. My best guess will make me sound like a self-proclaimed martyr, which is NOT my intent, but...here goes. I think my real issue is not so much with food, but instead with myself in general. Me and I haven't been close for some time.

I've led a pretty grown-up life from a very young age. My mom had a lot of addiction issues and I spent a lot of time taking care of her. Then I moved out and got married to a worthless waste of skin and had a baby. I finally grew some nerve, took my son when he was a year old, and left the worthless waste of skin. I worked direct sales, doing international cold calling at night because it was the only job I could do from home so I didn't have to get a sitter. That year, I made many hard decisions about which was more important--groceries or diapers.

Then I reconnected with an old boyfriend, put myself through college, and a year and a half later, we got married. But he's military, and I knew I was marrying into a lifestyle where I could often be a geographically single parent. That was okay with me. And I'm glad it was because he's been deployed twice. Since our wedding, we've spent more time apart than we have together. And in that time alone, I've moved twice on my own, raised two children, had WLS, and started a business that has grown rather successful.

My point through all this rambling resume is that I've spent a great majority of my adult life putting other people first and being a caretaker. Second guessing every single decision to make sure it's the best one I could possibly make--not for me, but for the people who depend on me. When you don't have a second partner around to bounce ideas around or challenge you, it makes it harder to gauge whether you're doing the right thing.

So perhaps for me, what was working (in a sense) for me was simply putting myself on the backburner to attend to the needs of my kids, my family, my business. I often didn't think about food or eating until my day was over and I had nothing else to do. I wouldn't go to the gym because I hated spending the money on the membershiop when it could be buying groceries. I was neglecting my health because I felt that spending time on myself would be taking it away from my kids.

It's NOT a healthy way to live. There's a reason flight attendants tell you to secure your oxygen mask first. You have to take care of yourself before you can be any kind of role model to those around you, and taking the nerve, time, and committment for WLS really helped me carve out that time just for me. It really boosted my self value and made me a happier person overall because I no longer feel so drained and exhausted.

See, I think there are times as a parent that we have to put our kids first.  When you are exhausted and that baby cries, you have to get out of bed even though you need your rest.  Because feeding the baby comes first.

But putting other people first all the time doesn't work.  Because you could always find someone else that needs something, and if you think you have to meet all those other needs before you can get to your own, you'll never get to your own needs.

I'm gonna ask you a question, though.  Which you don't have to answer here if you don't want to, of course.

Sometimes we might focus so much on other people so we don't have to focus on ourselves.  What is there in yourself you didn't want to pay attention to?

Probably feelings of value. Or lack thereof. My dad left when I was very young, and my mom was fairly neglectful until I was an adult because she had her own demons she was battling. I struggled with a lot of social issues growing up and have always had a bit of a people-pleasing, approval-seeking streak in me.

I am a very two-sided person. I don't know if it's because I'm a Gemini, or maybe because I've spent a lot of time separating various aspects of my life, but there is a lot of duality in me. And sometimes, it makes me question where I'm really worthy of the respect and kindness I expect from people around me.

One one side, I am deeply emotional and generous, empathetic, kind, and very passionate about social justice. I'm rational and reasonable and open minded and compassionate.

On the other side, I'm selfish and impatient. I'm competitive and slightly self involved and I make rash impulse decisions more often than I'd like. I'm blunt and direct and hurt peoples' feelings (but almost always without the intention of doing so). When I'm really emotionally angry, I can be aggressive and hostile.

And I hate that second side. I hate knowing that I've got a dark side in me and I spend a LOT of time flexing my sunshine muscle to help keep my darker half dormant. So I think when I spend the majority of my time caring for others, it's a form of therapy. It's a way to prove to myself (and others) that my sunny side is dominant. That I'm not a bad person. That while I may be very capable of hurting people, I am actively spending my time choosing to care for them instead. It helps me not think about the side of my personality that I wish wasn't there.

 I don't really know if I'm answering your question appropriately. 
I'm kinda just wandering around inside my own head here, picking up things at random as they occur to me...