OT- advice about divorce/child visitation stuff

This is not about me, but about a friend.  Really.  I'm not making that up.

A friend called me to today to ask me for advice and you all know I almost always have opinions about everything but I was not sure what I thought about this.  I figured there are some therapists and teachers and other smart people here and I might get some more information or things to think about.

My friend has been separated from her husband for almost a year.  She keeps saying she is going to file for divorce really soon but has not done so yet.  I think the cost is a big issue for her and apparently Legal Aid in her county is not handling divorces or she doesn't qualify or something.  The reason she and hubby are separated is because he developed a drug problem and refused to get treatment.  They have one child, age six.

Since they have not been to court, there is no formal visitation agreement.  She has been allowing hubby to see child pretty much whenever he wants to.  He frequently says he will come at a certain time and then comes much later or does not show at all, which is very upsetting to the child.  Recently, he was supposed to pick his child up after school and failed to do so and the child was afraid he would be stuck at school with no way to get home (he's six, remember) and was very, very upset.

It turns out the reason he didn't pick up the child was because he was at the police department, where he was taken when he was arrested for drunk driving.  She has been concerned about allowing the child to go places with dad for a while because she was afraid he would drive while under the influence, but now his license is suspended.  She is afraid if she drops child off at his home, he will drive somewhere with child anyway.

She does not want him to visit his child at her home anymore because one, she doesn't like being around him and he spends more time trying to talk her into letting him move back in than he does interacting with his child if she is there, and two, he has stolen money from her home twice and a credit card once so she doesn't want him in the house and if he is in the house, feels she cannot take her eyes off him for a minute, even to go to the bathroom.

At this point she is thinking it would just be best if he didn't see the child at all.  She feels it is too damaging for the child to experience over and over again that he can't count on dad to be there when he says he will.  But I think the other stuff has a lot to do with her feelings about visitation, too.  She understands that if dad goes to court and requests visitation, the court will most likely give it to him.  But she does not think dad will go to court.

So her question, and now mine, is this.  Is no dad better than drunk/drug using/unreliable dad?  Or is drunk/drug using/unreliable dad better than no dad at all?

The safety of the child should come first. No dad is better than an unsafe dad.

 Okay. Well. This was my exact situation three years ago. 

I'd left my husband in early 2007 (he's an alcoholic and a womanizer and has abusive tendenices) andour son was just over a year and a half when I left. I didn't want him to have visitation. And honestly, I don't think HE wanted visitation. But his conscience, for whatever reason, wouldn't let him just ditch the kiddo completely, so he went to court and put on a big show and blah blah. It took a very long time. We ended up settling for bare minimum. And now that our son is almost 7, my ex still only sees my son one weekend every month. He refuses more time on the rae occasions I offer it. 

Here's the thing, though--if she refuses to let the man see her child without going to court, that could end up causing trouble for her if he presses charges. It could be considered kidnapping under the right contexts. He might not be smart enough or interested enough to know that he could do that, though. 

Her best bet is to file for divorce and take him to court. No father is better than one who is constantly disappointing the child and acting as a very irresponsible role model.  

And for God's sake, document. Document, document document. She needs to write down in detail every instance, date and time, that her husband has acted like an idiot--the arrest records, the failure to appear, the cancelations. All of it. She needs to start building her case for why he shouldn't have visitation, and she'll need evidence. So make sure she's keeping records. 

She could also pish for supervised visitation, which might be her best bet. This would ensure the guy doesn't drive off with the kiddo, and that he's not doing anything inappropriate in front of him. She'd probably have a better chance of getting this than no visitation at all. 

Good luck to her--it's a messy situation for sure. 

She does need to be keeping records and I will give her a call later and tell her that.  That's something I hadn't thought of before.

Obviously dad is not a good role model at all right now, and might never be.  And he does frequently disappoint the kid.  But he does show up sometimes and the child likes his dad and wants to spend time with him.  Is it better for him not to be able to do that?  He's not going to be able to understand why he can't see his dad.  How much is he going to blame mom for not letting him see his dad?

Well, if it's an either/or question, I would swing to the opposition of allowing him to be part of the kiddo's life until he gets his act together. But if she's willing to compromise, supervised visitation with conditions would probably be the safest bet, and a way to make everything okay for everyone involved.

My son LOVES his dad. He gets super excited every time he gets to visit. His dad's a millionaire and tends to throw money at his problems instead of time, so whenever my son gets to go over, he gets a weekend full of outings and toys and clothes. He went on a private helicopter tour of the city last time. o.O Seriously. *eyeroll*

Anyway, because my son's dad DOES take an interest, even if it's only occasional, I don't push against visitation, regardless of my personal feelings towards him and my distrust of his parental abilities. My son (who is your friend's son's age) doesn't ask a lot of questions about why he doesn't see him more. To him, this is just the way it is. I would encourage her, at least while she's figuring it out, to be open with her son and tell him very simply that his dad is going through some grown-up stuff right now, and he can't visit at the moment. She doesn't need to get real detailed or air her laundry, but just let her son know that everything's alright, and that Dad isn't mad or angry or anything--just taking care of some other business.

Yeah, she does not plan to tell the child that dad has a drug problem or anything like that.

Does your son's father pay child support?  A helicopter tour.  Wow.

 Yes, he does. He's financially responsible, at least. But his parenting skillsleave a lot to be desired.

Every time Gabriel comes home, it's like we have to start all over and "detox" him from a weekend of staying up late, eating junk food, and being glued to the TV and video games. It's not the best environment for him--not only because it's like a partyhouse, but because my ex is just....he's not a very good guy. But until he comes home with stories of something completely unacceptable, or until he voices his own disinterest in visiting, we'll keep it up the way we have been.

At least he pays child support.

I think that is one of the difficult things about having kids, then getting divorced.  You lose a lot of control over what happens to your kid when he/she is with the other parent, and there's not much you can do about it.  Obviously if something really horrible is going on, you can go to court about it, but the court isn't going to tell a dad he can't let his kid eat nothing but junk for the weekend and would give you a very hard time about going to court with something like that.

That is a tough one, Kelly.  I think, because he is so young, that a bad
dad is better than no dad.  I think when he gets old enough, he will
see the type of person his father is and will make his own decision.
I wouldn't want the child coming back to me in a few years stating
that I deprived him of a father. 

My friend is in a similar, but not, situation.  Her ex is a chronic liar.
He lies to her son, who is 10, all the time.  He is now realizing the
type of person his dad is.  It's sad, but it's better than her taking the
blame for depriving him of his dad.  This jerk even lays his money
troubles & the fact that he's being foreclosed on onto this kid.  WHO
does that?

I suppose there's no perfect answer.  =/

Im am attorney licensed in Wisconsin and I used to practice in divorce and family law. Each state is different as to family law matters but most states look at the best interests of a child in awarding visitation. In most cases, even a neglectful or abusive parent is entitled to visit with their children since it's a constitutional right to do so. A court will almost never deny visitation to a parent who has had paternity established (by marriage or whatever) because it is such a basic right. But there may be limitations on their visitation rights especially where there is a concern that the parent is addicted to drugs or alcohol and may put the child's best interests of safety in jeopardy.

I would be very surprised if your friend could not get one free legal consultation with an attorney in her state regardless of her income. Most family law lawyers are happy to meet with a prospective client and give them an overview of the divorce or separation process and let the prospective client know what their legal alternatives are. I would encourage your friend to call her state bar association for referrals to a good family law lawyer in her area. It's likely that the child's father won't try to visit with the child since he is battling his addictions right now and it would be entirely appropriate for your friend (on  her own or through counsel) to set some boundaries and condition his visitation times on his being sober and on time.