OT- advice about divorce/child visitation stuff

what I really wanted was advice/information on the psychological issues, not the legal end.

I'll suggest she look into counseling for her son.  I know with the county mental health agencies, there is often a long waiting list (in my county it is SIX  MONTHS to get a first appt) but that just means she should make an appt now, not wait.

while it is still somewhat fresh on the records that he failed to pick up child because of being arrested, i think she can file for supervised visits as of now....that way he can not take the child but meet with person supervising....if she waits for a long time then yes she needs the documentation, but it may not carry as much weight as it does now...i would not tell the child if the dad makes plans, just when he shows up then child will be surprised...just let the dad make the plans and then not tell child until dad shows up....best for the child, i know that she can not withhold visitaion with child at this point....but have her ask at the court house if there is a way to make an emergencey hearing about supervised visitation becuase of his arrest...would be worth the money for that now...then finish up with the divorce later on when the money is better....

sorry for your friend to have to go thru this....been there done that with my daughter and her ex.. and my grand daughter...its hardest on the kids....
good luck
debby

If she got supervised visitation, though, she'd have to tell the child dad was supposed to visit, right?  I mean, I guess it depends on where the visits were supposed to take place or who was supposed to supervise, but I know in my county, they do supervised visits at Children's Services, so she'd need to tell the child something about why they were going to this place he has never been to before and what they were waiting for as they sat there waiting for dad to show up.

 I'm sorry your friend is going through this. I have a 6 year old daughter myself and my partner and I split up when she was 3 1/2. Now I am rather lucky in this regard and I'm well aware of that because my ex is a loving, attentive father. (just a lying unfaithful spouse). My advice here is that even in the "best" case scenario, they children are affected by the loss. They sometimes have ways of showing this whether it be acting out, having trouble in school, wetting the bed (regressing) or others. I made sure to reach out to the school councellors and her teacher to make them aware there are some problems at home so they know to inform the me if she said anything or acted differently in school and also so they are not so quick to punish rather than work with me for the best solution.  In my case I didn't have to reach out to an outside councellor for her, but I was wide open to it if I felt she needed it. 
I agree with being open with your child that daddy is going through some adult things rights now. But I am a big believer that we need to protect our children at all costs from our adult drama. We only get one chance to get this right as parents.  It's a lot harder to undo the damage once it's been done. If it were me, I would have every little thing documented, calls and voice mails recorded so I could build a case for full custody when the time comes. If she does allow visitation, I would do it at the park and sit on a bench within viewing distance until they are done. I would not let my child out of my sight. He is dealing with addiction and that is a disease that tends to take down everyone in its path. 

 Ps. I also meant to say that if he really wants to be an active parent, he will accept her terms until he proves himself.  If he doesn't and is using it as a ploy to see her and beg to come home and she consistently redirects the conversation to their child he will most likely give up. I wouldn't let the child know about planned visits until they get to the meeting spot though... Let it be a "surprise". 

I'm thinking if he really wanted to be an active parent, he would show up on time more often.

 Agreed....that's kinda my point. If she sets strict boundaries he may just back off because it's too much work. 

 My SO's POS ex-wife left when their daughter was 2. She was in contact long enough for the court to grant him full custody and get only supervised visitation for herself pending drug treatment and testing. Then she disappeared for about 2 years and decided she wanted to start doing the supervised visitation once the Child Support enforcement people caught up to her. 

At 4 years old, we had to explain who "Mommy" was because the child did not remember her. We had to force her to go to the supervised visitation every weekend even though she did not want to. 

After a few months, she warmed up to "mommy" and looked forward to the visits.. Not long after this, "mommy" started cancelling visits at the last minute and even just plain not showing up. "mommy" calls every night and sends occasional letters and cards but the child has not seen her in person in about a year and a half (which mommy blames daddy for .. she can't afford to see her daughter because she has to pay child support, she says.. whatever). The child goes through periods of not wanting to talk on the phone/refusing to answer it and then having a major meltdown over "missing mommy". 

Frankly, I wish the woman had never shown back up. At this point I don't know if it would be better for her to just permanently go away (if she's not going to do right and see her child) or to keep dragging on like this and hurting the child. 

Either way, I'd like to put my foot up her @$$. I have been there since about 6 months after she disappeared and helped raise this child. There is pretty much nothing I can do to help the kiddo with this.. the ball is in her mommy's court and she sucks. 

So I understand where your friend is coming from.. I think that some kind of supervised visitation is in order. Are there relatives nearby? Like the dad's family, who could host visitation at their house maybe? That is an option I know some people have used. 

I think that no daddy is better than messed up daddy.. but unfortunately even that does not protect the child in the long run if daddy doesn't just go away and stay gone. 

Not sure if this is helpful to you and your friend, but I certainly feel better getting it off my chest (having just a few days ago dealt with an "i miss my mommy" meltdown and the subsequent mommy blaming daddy for her own screwups crap.) *hisss*

This daddy lives with his mommy, but I don't think she would make a very good supervisor of visitation.  She lets unemployed druggie daddy live in her house for free and gives him money periodically when she knows at least some of it gets spent on drugs.  I don't know if there are other family members that could supervise visits or not.  It would be nice if there were, though.

So in your case, mommy can't see child because she has to pay child support?  Um, does she get charged a fee to visit the child?  usually it doesn't cost anything to visit your child, except I guess the gas it takes you to drive there.  I get pretty impatient with people that complain about paying their child support.  I just don't get it.  If you make a baby, you have to pay to support that baby.  Makes sense to me.

The supervised visitation place charges $25, but when she doesn't have a job, like now.. its only $12.50. And she claims to not have a car now either. Its hard to decypher all the information when it comes from her (a liar) through a 6 yr old to us. She won't tell us anything directly. She's a piece of work.