I still think I'm right, but I may have gone too far.

Last night, the hubs and I were having a great evening. We made dinner together, watched a movie and we were just about to return them to Redbox right under the 9 pm deadline.

He jumped in the car and I joked that I would love to have a donut! (Quick background; I've been tracking my calories etc on myfitnesspal. I know 1 donut is 390 calories and I was already over by 78. I don't live and die by that, but I do try to stay near my goal since that's one of the tools I want to use to get this additional 80+ lbs off).

My hubby, very kindly said, "I wish you could too babe, but you're at your max for the day, right?" Nothing wrong with that. He was right. Well, then I started talking about how I could do double cardio tomorrow (as I normally do two-a-days on Tuesdays) and that surely I could sneak in a donut hole or two. I was joking... mostly. There is still a very real, very ****** up part of me (excuse the language) that thinks these kinds of justifications are ok. I know they're not. I'm working on that, but it takes a lot longer than 10 months to figure this all out.

Well, that's when my DH went into his normal retreat mode and said, "You know what, then just do whatever you want. I don't care." Normally that phrase just hurts my feelings, but last night I lost it. I started telling him how when I need him most, when I'm obviously weak and about to **** up, he abandons me. I admitted that it can't be easy to love and support someone like me who is a gym-rat one minute and then craving donuts the next, but that's life. This is our life. And we should be able to support each other. I admitted that I probably reacted too harshly, but I was just trying to convey what I felt. Then I put the nail in the coffin.

I told him that by saying things like that, it feels like all the good things he says and does, like waking up at 530 AM to go running with me, and telling me how proud he is that I've been consistent at the gym can be undone with a phrase like "Do what you want. I don't care."

That was about 12 hours ago and we haven't spoken since. When he is hurt or angry, he just ignores me. It's like I don't even exist. He did come around a bit, but when I asked him a question, it was like he only heard a breeze.

I know everyone will suggest therapy, and I don't disagree. That's a work in progress. But I just had to share this because I know we'll be ok, and when tempers calm down, we'll be able to address. But as of right now, I've spent 3 of the last 5 waking hours crying my eyes out, including now here at work. I need to release this and let it go because I can't hold it in anymore.

Enough waterworks, I need to work and get to the gym. Have a good day, OH.

 i think we all have the moments we lose it a bit and i think Why you "lost it" was fair. if my husband taunted me with a doughnut and i was strong enough to tell him no his Response better be "ok baby i was only playing" Lol because anything other would probably push me over the edge! 
anyways, like you said when you both calm down you will be fine. i think ALMOST all husbands and wives of people who get WLS tend to deal with change differently and i think a lot of them Dont like change. its a huge process and it takes some getting used to. 
i am only a week and 1 day post op BUT through out my family iv had Now 5 people that i found out have had WLS and Every one of them had some kind of Struggle with there partner. some were nothing more then a few arguments and some grew stronger and closer and last but not least some split up. (not trying to scare you with that) its all a new part of life :) my husband Already forgets i cant eat and offers me food or to make me something to eat, i must give him some kind of "look" because he then feels like Crap after for asking. we just try laugh it off. 
anyways all of this is simply to say i understand lol and i hope you feel better soon were all here for you.  

Thanks for the reply, Courtney!

I'm not glad you've experienced some similar love spats, but I am happy to know that I'm not the only one. He didn't offer me a doughnut, so that's bonus points to him.

In his defense, I know he isn't trying to hurt me by shutting down. I actually think it's probably best since he may say something he can't take back. But, it's still hard for me. I want to vent, and get it over with. With him, it can go on and on.

BUT~ I'm so happy for you! 1 week and a day! That's a great time! You're so excited... still have some pain meds readily available ;)

You'll do great! If you need some encouragement in the future, let us know. I'll be happy to return the favor! :)

It sounds to me like your husband has the two opportunity limit and then lets go. That's not a bad thing.

He is giving you Two opportunities to change your mind...if you don't take those opportunities he chooses not to argue but wants to portray his disappointment.

I do this with my shop-aholic husband all the time. He says "Hey babe, look at this hat" and I say "Rob you have 20 hats do your REALLY need another one?" and he says but it's only $15 (or whatever). And again I say "I understand but its kind of a waste of $ since you already have 20"... then he give's me another counter offer.... and then I get frustrated, because I have essentially said "No, its not a good idea" and I REALLY don't have all day to argue about it so I 'give in' which is where the "fine do whatever you want" statement come's in. That statement is designed to make you feel guilty! Its a harsh way of saying finally "I have told you no, you wont listen to reason so why are we having this conversation".

And it works. Gets everyone mad but here is the question....did you end up getting a donut???

Your hubby is TRYING to support your new lifestyle change and he is challenging you to make the RIGHT choice. And your 'old' ways are challenging back, telling you "who does he think he is to presume to tell me what I can and can't do".

You are mad...i get that you don't want to be challenged, really, who does? But for people like us who can not be trusted to listen to our gut for direction on food... we need to be challenged.

Hope you both feel better tonight!

Juls

I agree with you Juls-

Your hormones due to the weight loss may be running wild in you... and that may cause the cravings and the overreacting...
I think you may need to really apologize to him.. what you are saying - he sounds like a really supportive guy... and he has a limit when fro him - any more may mean that he is controlling you... He did not go there... you are a lucky lady...

He WAS being supportive and you kept pushing the issue. You've been posting that your weight loss has stalled. He probably has to listen to you complain about that and does not know what to do to "fix" it (men love to fix things for us- it's their nature).

Stay away from the donuts.

Laura

I don't know about you, but I know that in the past in situations like that, my husband could not win no matter what he did. If he stood firm and didn't help me justify the donut, I would be angry. If he caved and "let" me have a donut, I would be angry. The great thing was that I would be angry at HIM, not me. That's what's ****** up. I'm the one responsible for what goes in my mouth, not him. It's not fair to expect others to either justify our poor choices or to exercise the control we are lacking.

I get that you are angry because he said that he "doesn't care." I think that you should let that go. Judging by the other things you said in your post, he obviously does care. Probably, like Laura said, he doesn't know what to do or say and likely he's a little tired of it. Don't force him to police you.

Is it possible that you are taking your frustration with yourself out on your husband? You guys should talk about this, and maybe some therapy is not unreasonable.

I hope you feel better soon.

I'll tell you what I get from this story.  It sounds like you wi**** was easier to give up donuts and other foods you love, and I wi**** was easier, too.  It sounds like your hubby wishes it was easier for you, as well.  Sounds like he really cares.

It also sounds like you wish he could make it easier, like he would do something to take the bulk of the work and the pain off of you.  And it sounds like he knows he can't.  And he's not going to try.  He's not going to try to control you, or make your food choices for you.  Which is a good thing.

Sometimes I don't like it when I'm hurting and I want someone to fix it for me and they can't.  Sometimes that makes me mad.  But it's not fair to them to ask them to do what I really have to do for myself.

I think you're in the wrong and need to apologize.  He was being supportive, but didn't want to control you.  You still have your agency.  How would you have felt if he let you cave and got you a donut?  You would've been angry that he let you cave!  He was in a situation where he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

I absolutely agree with everything jewel-twin said. 

It sounds like you've got a great husband.