OT - relationship stuff - I need some advice

Well, you're right, I couldn't move in this condition.  I couldn't lift a box!  I'm sure I will feel better both physcially and mentally when the back pain is under control.

I think what it really is, is that I want to say hey, I don't need him anyway.  I can take care of myself and get myself to my appointments.

But I also don't want to deal with the stress and anxiety of feeling like I'm making him take care of me when he doesn't want to.  I feel guilty.  I'd kind of rather deal with the back pain than the guilt.

That sucks so bad, Kelly. I have trust issues too and can relate to the confusion and sadness you must feel. It would be hard to know when  you should believe him about his feelings and when you should not since he hasn't been completelly honest with you about his feelings.

I do know that guys care about the people they are with and don't want to hurt them. I think you can believe that he loved you this whole time and still does love you and wants to take care of you. I would  not cancel tomorrow's appointment because you still need the procedure and it doesn't make sense to delay it especially since he wants to help and you don't have other arrangements for care.

I also know that it's normal for people in a commited relationship like yours to take care of each other and that all relationships have their ups and downs. For some people, they stop seeing the other person as sexy and feel more like a caretaker and don't voice their feelings until it builds up and potentially destroys the relationship. I know from my experience that if I have to remind or ask my boyfrriend a lot to do something like put away his laundry or help me out when I obviously need it, I start to feel like I'm his mother and I don't find him as attractive at the moment. By the same token, if a man feels like he is serving more as a caretaker than an intimate partner it may also affect  his feelings and perceptions about the relationship and he may want to leave.

In an ideal situation, both people will emotionally and physically take care of each other equally, but that isn't always possible. If caretaking isn't balanced, ideally the person helping the other person won't feel upset about it or have any bad feelings about being in a caretaker role. But unfortunately not everyone is that selfless and it might be too much all the time.  This is just based on my experience so if some of my statements aren't true for you, it's understandable.

I'm wondering if you can trust him enough to believe that he does still love you and cares for you but feels overwhelmed and maybe it's time to see if you can balance his support and caregiving with someone else. You are resourceful and know a lot about what's available for support but I'm thinking are there support groups out there for people who have challenges like yours that have volunteer services for drives to appointments and things like that you need? Is there a church community you can ask for help for caretaking services?

That's a lot to deal with at one time but it would be good if you continue to trust him despite your concerns. He's been with you for 9 years and I doubt that he would have stuck it out that long if he didn't care for you. Plus, recall that the reason he didn't speak out sooner was because he cares about you and didn't want to hurt you.

My hope is that he's just feeling temporarily overwhelmed and that you can still be together and share your feelings honestly and without fear, and can maybe balance out some of what he does support wise with another person if possible.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this! You have so much going on right now.

If he said he wants to take you to the appointment let him take you. If he is lying and doesn't really want to take you then that's his problem. It's only one appointment.

I think you will have to stop relying on him to take care of you. I think in order to maintain the friendship, if that's what you wish, then you need to move out as soon as you can.
Can you get help from the State?

 Kelly, it has been my experience that just because someone falls out of love, doesn't mean they don't still love you on another level and care about your well being. Your partner has taken the time off work to take you to your appointment, so I would let him do that. I know for myself I wouldn't be overjoyed to spend a 90 minute car ride with him, but if my health is involved and I'm in pain, then I would do it for me! Once you get this appointment out of the way and hopefully your pain under control, then you can concentrate on the plan you need to make to move on with your life. I wish you the best of luck with your future. 

(HUGS)... I hope things will work for the best.
I am sorry you are dealing with that... but maybe he was hoping his feelings fro you would change and he can feel the love and affection again?
IMO - every relationship goes through ups and downs - and sometimes when the feelings are down - it is hard to see the end of the tunnel.. When a health issue or other issue are also present when the low**** -  it may be a breaking point.

I was married and he had some issues... and I was strong and I could take care of me and us and him... until I no longer could take care of me... and I could not count of him helping me... he was making me feel worse... physically and mentally... so I had to make a decision - I asked him to change, so he could take care of himself and I could feel that I he would be there for me - if I needed it - He chose not to... so ... I asked him for divorce... before I start hating him. I told him that I am not strong enough to be his and mine caregiver. It hurt, a lot.  But we were able to split as friends...  I do wish him well.. I was not able to take care of him and his needs...so something had to give.  
I hope you find peace... I do believe that being with you all this year s- he deeply  cared and most likely still cares for you. 
He just doe snot feel that what you guys have now is enough for him... sorry.. I can imagine that hurts a lot.. HUGS... 
"whatever does not kill us, makes us stronger" ...    (HUGS)


An you should take him on his offer to take you to the appointment. If nothing else - as friends... (HUGS)
Hala..

I am not sure that when it comes to Feelings you can consider this a Lie.  He probably feels one way at times and a different way at other times.

He probably also wanted to avoid telling someone who is going through so much pain already that he was feeling like nothing more than your caretaker. 

Go to your appointment - get that out of the way - then make a plan to get on with your life.  Are you eligible for some kind of disability pay?  SSI?  Are you able to work?  Find a way to get in a better place financially - do what you can to get your health issues in a better place - basically focus all your energy on getting to be more independent.  Don't waste too much time being sad - I know it is tough right now - but taking some positve steps will help you feel BETTER...  Make a list today of things you can do to move forward.  Make a plan.  You are smart and tough - you can do this ON YOUR OWN! 

First of all, Kelly, I am really sorry you are going through this.  You've been going through  a really bad time lately, and it's not fair.

I think you need to do what you need to do in order to get your procedure, even if that means you'll be accepting help that you don't want to accept.  I know my husband's ex-wife must hate how dependent she is on my husband for rides, and neither my husband nor I like that we feel obligated to provide them.  BUT... there is history and connection and it's not too much to ask for in the karmic sense.  Especially since this procedure may help you become more independent.

I think I have some understanding what your partner is going through.  There's that Quicken Loans commercial where the man proposes to his girlfriend, but the girlfriend stops him and says that she is seeing his best friend.   We'd all like proactive relationship status updates, but our feelings change gradually, and then, at one point, we end up feeling completely different, and whoah! How on earth do you tell someone that?

In a marriage, you'd be expected to work through it.  I don't know any marriage where people's feelings for each other haven't changed at least for a period of time.  I know that mine have.  My husband's have.   But when it's not a marriage, the incentive to turn things around might just not be there, and that's okay, too.   

That doesn't mean that this initial break up won't be difficult as you start untying all the things that hold you and he together.  There will be unfinished business and stuff that might feel messy as you develop a plan to become independent of him.  For the time being, you will need to accept his help to accomplish things that will help you to become independent, even though it'll feel icky to do so.  

I admit the whole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" mentality ****** me off. I hear it way too often these days. You've been together almost 9 years. It's not all going to be rainbows and pixie dust. Real life comes into play. He should try to work on things before giving up. I'm sorry for his actions (or I should say inactions).

As far as letting him take you to your appointment, hell yeah. He should take you. I'm sure you've been there and have done things for him the past 9 years. Yes, he should take you and don't you DARE feel guilty about it. Along the same lines, stay as long as you need to (and can handle mentally****il you have your gameplan in place. No need to rush. Again, do NOT feel "guilty" about that.

Hang in there...

No, it's not all going to be rainbows.  And the truth is, these past 18 months have been extremely difficult for me, my depression has been very severe and my back problems have been very debilitating.  But prior to that, I had my bad days just like anyone else, but he had his problems, too. 

You know, six years ago, he owned a small restaurant.  During that time, he went through a period of pretty severe depression himself.  There were times I practically ran his business for him, with no pay at all, because he could not even get out of bed some days.  I would be at the restaurant from before lunch time until midnight, taking a little break to go home and make him get out of bed and into the shower, where I had to wash his hair and then get him out of the shower and help him get dressed.  He was that depressed for a while.  One time, the thing on the cooler that regulated the temperature broke.  The repair guy had to order a new part and it could not get there for three days.  I spent three nights at that restaurant, all night, flipping the switch to turn the cooler on, then off again, every 30 minutes so that all the food in it did not spoil.  And I never thought about leaving.

It sounds like you have also been extremely supportive of your partner and helped in in the past. Did he say what contributed to his change in feelings?  It might be helpful for you to know that. I'm also wondering if he said what his vision for your relationship together is - I believe you said you have separate bedrooms and he doesn't want you to move out. What are his expectations if you stay there? It would be really awkward for everyone if he is thinking that you can stay but after a while he has a new partner and she moves in their bedroom. This is all very confusing to me. It's entirely understandable if you feel deceived and confused too. It's hard to understand what caused his feelings to change since he has known your needs for some time and he has needs that you have helped him with as well.