Depression

I've been really struggling with depression the past few days now. I have called out of work the past 2 days now. I need help. I need to see a therapist, I know I do. I've needed to see one for some time now. I have been going off plan eating things I know I should not for a few weeks now & they have slowly been creeping into my life for the past few months now. Carbs! Why can't I just say no Jen you don't need that it is bad for you & that be the end of it. I've started hiding what I eat too which I did before surgery because I'm embarressed of what I'm eating or how much I'm eating. My husband tries to help me when we go grocery shopping by saying you don't need that, which I appreciate but at the same time I'm like who are you to tell me what I can eat & I wait till I go shopping alone & buy it. I'm a food addict & I'm admitting it today. I think about food too much & what I'm eating next. I wish I couldn't smell then it would all taste bad & I would just eat to survive. I know thats how I need to look at it. Food as fuel not for pleasure. I know this surgery was a tool & it doesn't fix our heads. I need help & tomorrow when I go for my 1 year visit I'm going to talk to my surgeon about seeing a therapist. I don't like letting people down or myself for that matter & everytime I do wrong I feel so bad & hate myself for it but it doesn't stop me from doing wrong again. I type this with tears streaming down my face. I've been so emotional the past couple of days & finally I broke down talking to my husband this morning. He tells me just make yourself stop doing those things. He doesn't understand at all. It's not that simple. You tell a drug addict, alcoholic or gambler to just stop doing it. Yeah right! It's just as much an addiction as any of the above stated & not easily stopped. I hate hate hate myself. I like to make everyone think everything is going so great & I've got this down, but no I don't. I did really well in the beginning but now I'm a wreck. I do pretty good during the day but at night is when I binge & mostly in my room. I take an assortment of crap to my room & a meal, well what would be a meal for us & will sit & watch TV & eat over a few hours before going to sleep. This was my thing before RNY it is my way of winding down the day before sleeping. I also have to take a lot of sleep aid to sleep, which my doctor told me was ok if it helped me sleep. I kinda find that weird, but whatever. I am currently on 40mg of Celexa a day for depression but I don't know that it is working well now. I told my PCP last month I think it needs adjusted but at the same time I was having issues with the hernias & he wanted to wait & see if it was just the pain causing my sad feelings. I'm laying it all out here to you all because you all are the only ones in my life that can kinda understand. My husband says I am on this forum too much & that its all he sees me looking at when I'm on the computer. I told him I have to because y'all are the only ones I can relate to with this surgery. He just doesn't understand. We moved to ND & I left all my family in NC so its just my kids & my husband & myself here. Nobody else. I feel stupid because I know I'm smarter than this. I know whats right & what to do. My husband said I need to find a hobby that doesn't revolve around food. Why can't I be addicted to exercise? That would be much better. I did get a membership at our local family wellness center which I did go on Monday night with my son who is 11 & is excited about getting fit & the fact that there is an indoor pool doesn't hurt. He is wanting to get up at 5am in the mornings & go with me whereas my daughter & husband could care less about going. I haven't exercised this whole time & now it's time for me to start. I am proud of me going shopping last night with my kids & bought no junk, not that I didn't want to believe me. I told myself Jen this cycle of distructivness has to stop now. Then when we were done shopping in my head I wanted to go to DQ & get a mini reese blizzard. I stopped myself again & said NO. Why can't I just stop thinking about food. It's all mental. Sorry for rambling on & on about my messed up head but it helped me to write it all out & be accountable to somebody for this. Thanks!

Being addicted to exercise would not be better.  People that are addicted to exercise end up with injuries because they keep working out until they hurt themselves, and they don't stop then.  They may be seriously underweight, like life-threateningly thin.  They don't get enough sleep because they do things like setting their alarm to wake them up to exercise for a couple hours in the middle of the night.  There is no such thing as a good addiction to have.

Why not call and make an appointment with a therapist today?  I mean call today, you probably can't get an appointment the same day you call.  But call today.  Why wait until you see your surgeon tomorrow?  You don't need his permission to see a therapist.

What about going to Overeaters Anonymous for help with the food addiction?

Thanks Kelly! I know all addictions are not good. I just wished I liked exercising more than I like food is all. I never thought of overeaters anonymous. I will have to check to see if we have one of those groups here. You're right I should call today to make an appointment. I just don't know who to call. I guess I could call my surgeons office & see who they recommend. I'm just having a hard time even admitting all of this period, but in order for me to get better & beat this I have to first admit it & confront it head on. I hate admitting that I've failed myself. Thanks for your advice & for taking the time to read my post.

I don't think you failed yourself.  Depression is an illness.  Addiction is an illness.  Are you a failure because you are ill?

I happen to have an upper respiratory illness at the moment.  Does that make me a failure?

Check with your insurance company to see which therapists are covered by your plan.  Then call them up and ask, on the phone, if they have experience treating food addiction.  They will all have experience dealing with depression, but some therapists don't know much about food addiction.  Someone recently even told me that her therapist said she doesn't believe in food addiction!  So that would not be someone you would want to see.

Call today.   Call right now.  It's easy to find plenty of reasons to put it off.  Do it now while you're feeling desperate enough to know you need help.  Keep the momentum going.

You're are right. It is an illness I've dealt with my whole life. Not only my personal experience but my dad is suffers from manic depression & takes a ton of medication to even function. I am on the phone as I type this waiting on my insurance to tell me what providers are in my network that deal with food addition & depression. Thanks for the advice.

I'm glad you're making the call.  You're taking the first step.

Thank you again. It means a lot to have you all be there for me when I need it most.

Do you have access to an EAP? Most companies have them--they are a free benefit most larger companies offer and you can call and talk on the phone to a counselor immediately.  I have used our EAP and it is a life saver.  Trained counselors, usually social workers just listen to you and talk to you.  Then, after how ever many phone sessions you have on your plan, you are referred to an in-network counselor.  If you don't know if you have an EAP call your human resources office. 

You are in my prayers....Susan

I definitely will have to check with HR. I do believe we have something like that with my company. Thanks for the advice.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I have felt the same way many times and have gone shopping at midnight when I was sure my husband was asleep just to buy and eat in the car something I should not! Then, I throw it away before I get in the house so noone ever knows.

I totally get where you are coming from. I completely agree with Kelly that we have food addictions and that depression is an illness. I am still struggling with the food addiction being an illness and not a character flaw.

What I do know, is, like Kelly said, you need to call a therapist NOW! Get up with your awesome son and go to the pool with him. It's great he is supportive of you AND wants to spend time with you.

Yes, your husband is clueless. But you can do it anyway!

Exercise is great for depression and your weight loss journey. CONGRATULATIONS on stopping yourself when you went shopping! Take that victory and run with it!

I think about food all the time too! My surgery is 3/1 and I think about food more now than before. BUT I am focused on the protein I need and the water. I need a nap often. But you can do it! ND is a tough place to live in my opinion. Cold and snowy yes? Are you getting all your vitamin D? With the lack of sunshine you're bound to need it. And I have been told it helps with depression too.

You'll get through this. I am sure it is safe for me to say we are all here for you!!