Questions about support

I don't know anyone who has had WLS. Growing up my family was all obese. Most of my friends are obese. Life tends to focus around food. I'm anxious about being the odd one out who is "skinny." I'm worried that my decision to be healthy will make them feel like I'm judging their habits.

My family and friends support my decision, but I'm afraid that the journey will be harder than they realize. How can I best prepare them? How can I ask them to best support me? And how can I best support them?

I think it is important that you travel on your OWN personal journey - you are not responsible for how they think or what they eat.  Hopefully your habits will rub off on them, but if not, you are not responsible for that either!

You are *maybe* responsible for not making judgemental statements about their choices or making them feel guilty for how they choose to live their lives - but that's it!

I hope they are as enlightened when they look at the choices you make ...

 

Sometimes people will look at my plate and I know that they feel bad about how much more they are eating.  My habits are not likely to rub off on them when my stomach is the size of an egg and theirs is the size of a football.

I am full with the tiny amounts that I eat and they would be starving if they tried to eat that much.  My late husband supported me by doing things like bringing home a single serving of cake on Valentines Day and knowing I would stop at one bite and he could finish the rest. 

Your friends and family can support you by joining in exercise, walking with you and planning non-food related outings.  Many people get judgmental after their surgery and remark about how much others are eating.  Just be understanding that they are still hungry and still have a big stomach to feed. 

If it were possible to do this without surgery, then the surgery would cease to exist.  Very few of the people who need this surgery are lucky enough to get it and even those who do get surgery are often not educated enough about it to make it work.

Those of us who get the surgery and make it work are fortunate and privileged.   We are  not better than those *****main obese, we are just more fortunate.

Most of my family is obese. Several of them are super obese.  I also considered how they would feel about me losing weight.  Ultimately I decided that I was going on this journey to better my life. I know that no matter how much I weigh, my family will be there to love and support me.  I cannot control their comments or feelings. I decided that the best approach was to give them all the facts.  Educate them about my surgery and the health problems that I had and how surgery would alleviate them.  My sisters and mother were on the fence about my surgery decision at first.  My mother was the most concerned.  I explained my reasons for choosing to have surgery and gave her information about my surgeon. After talking to them, my sisters understood and supported my choice.  My Mother took more convincing.  She was with me on surgery day and met my surgeon.  He was very reassuring to her that this was a good thing and that he would take excellent care of me just as he does with all his patients. This really put her at ease. Now that I have had the surgery and my health is improving, she is even more proud of me for choosing to take control of my health. My sister in law has already told me that she is jealous of my weight loss (her exact words). She knows that I have struggled with my weight for many years and knows that I had WLS. She is overweight as well. She is hoping to have surgery herself but is struggling to get insurance approval. I am trying to be as supportive for her as she was for me.  The people *****ally care about you will understand and the rest can talk to the hand! LOL Just remember when they are judging you and making you feel bad (if they do, who knows, maybe they'll surprise you) why you made the choice to have this surgery. We only get one life, why live it in an unhealthy body that you are not happy with? Change is never easy. I would just try to let them know that you are the same old you, just in a smaller package. Then, follow that statement up with acting like you always have. I know some people change after they lose weight. They get self assured and can say judgmental and hurtful things. Strive to never be one of those people.  Best wishes on your journey.

Invite them to attend a support group meeting at your surgeon's office with you.  If you feel like more support is needed, consider making an appointment with a therapist.  You can take your family and any friends you want to the appointment with you.

It might help to make an agreement with them that you won't comment on what they eat and they won't comment on you eat.  Sometimes friends and family take on the "food police" role after someone has WLS and that can drive you nuts.  They don't want you to judge their habits and you don't want them to judge yours.  So you could agree not to suggest they eat salad instead of cake, and they could agree not to ask you "are you sure you are allowed to eat that?" every time they see you eating something after surgery.

They are also welcome to join this forum if they'd like for support.

And I think the best thing you can do is to tell them specifically what it is you want them to do to support you, and to ask them to tell you specifically what it is they want from you.  If you want them to compliment you on your weight loss, say so.  If you don't want them to comment on how much you've lost every time they see you, ask them not to.  Don't expect them to guess what you want or need.  And ask them what they want and need.