Emotional craziness!

This journey has been one heck of a ride! I know these things get talked about frequently but you never realize it or believe it until it's actually happening to YOU!

Let me start by saying for YEARS my average weight hovered around 380ish pounds. My biggest "breaking point" is when i hit 401 lbs to me it was now way out of control. I was only 26 years old weighing over 400 lbs with a 5 and 7 year old at that time. I had pre-diabetes, sleep apnea, pre-hypertension, lots of issues with yeast rashes and boils, i even had hyperkeratosis on the bottom of my feet my feet were literally covered in hard callacus which made walking pretty much unbearable. I had to go to a podiatrist a few times to have them shaved down. My surgery was 8 months ago...

little things make a huge difference!
-I can now cross my legs

-Fit into movie theater seats
-Shop in any store i want
-No longer wearing wide width shoes
- I feel BONES everywhere!
-I no longer feel like i am being judged and the world is staring at me in disgust i feel HUMAN and i feel like i fit in!
- Food no longer controls my life
-I get a heck of a lot more respect now -- sad but true reality
- My kids comment how mom is skinnier now
-I no longer outfit my car & i can buckle my seatbelt
-I can fit into tighter spaces when walking by somewhere
-I am now getting questioned on my license. I was picking up some alcohol the other day and the lady who got my ID said congrats you have lost a ton of weight.
-People come to me for advise and ask me how i did it
-I get compliments EVERY DAY literally...

I've heard how i am dissapearing, shrinking, tiny, skinny, you name it LOL now mind you i am still 218 lbs at 5'7 so i still have about 50 more lbs i want to lose.

Now my struggles complete honesty here.

-I am depressed my marriage is over but it has been on the rocks for a long time now-

-More often than not i now speak my true feelings to people i no longer hide out and my mouth gets in the way.. yup i have turned a bit ****y.
-I don't know how to take in all of the changes still at 8 months out
-I feel like i am living in a dream and i will wake up fat and 401 lbs again
-I feel the need to help anyone i feel like i know what it was like almost like a mentor?
-I am NOT perfect i still test the waters sometimes.
-I've had some complications.... --including an ulcer-- and a herniated disc.
-My severe constipation will probably be around forever due to narcotics and other regular daily meds i am on all of which cause constipation.
-I take about 23 pills a day and i am 29 years old. This is between my thyroid meds, anti depressants, laxatives, stool softeners, sleeping meds, pain meds, ulcer meds, vitamins, etc.
-I am starting to slack with the vitamins already and i don't like it
I am also way to hard on myself. It is always competition to me and i feel like it's never good enough

Also despite losing 183 lbs already i wouldn't be happy staying at this weight i want to weigh less (over achiever)
I fear never getting to goal. I need therapy but honestly between work, doctors appts, etc have to find a way to fit it all in.
My hanging skin is a huge problem for me (it's a reminder, how much damage i did to myself) would still take it over fat any day though.My life has done a 360. And it's overwhelming and exciting all at the same time but i do get anxious a lot. Oh and yeah laugh (haha) this wretched GAS like oh my someone turn it off... gas X doesn't lol and it stinks bad sorry TMI. I feel like i just need to take a moment back and breath and take it all in it's so much. Through this process i have also learned who my REAL friends are and it's not always pretty. I lost my best friend immediately after my surgery in March. Now we talk maybe once every few months through FB. I cannot figure out what i did wrong.

Thank you for sharing.  I am only two weeks out and I appreciate learning from others.

Your best friend is a sad one.  Mine moved away and that is how I lost her so I understand the pain.  It took me awhile to trust again.  Her husband didn't want her having any friends.  He has become controlling and abusive.  It wasn't about me, but until her mom told me I felt like crap.  I hated not knowing.

 

Keep posting. You have much to offer here.

I am presurgery.  I am inherently anxious and do take medicine for it. I think personality makeup, job demands (mine is a production/quota based job where you dont get to make mistakes), and life demands also contribute to anxiousness.

People say I do get a bit _itchy, but usually it is because they are slacking off, coasting, or messing up my life/job when I dont have the luxury of messing up.

 

Today, the NPs office called and left a message for me to call them. The person leaving the message sounds a few crayons short of a box.  I KNOW they are going to ask me "Where am I supposed to send the results?"  The thing is, I have already told them AND gave them the fax number at a blood draw, so WHY are they bugging me again.

 

Last time, I had to stand there and dictate the letter. They argued one line in the middle of blood test results WAS the recommendation for surgery "letter."  REally?  If my surgeons office cant locate it, dont count on the insurance company finding it (or approving it) when they have a vested interest in saying "No."  They were giving me the run around, so I was sure to have paraxisms of "coughing" from a "cold" all over their waiting room, and let them know that I had 8 hours of "Say Yes to the dress' to catch up on, on my tablet; I can happily wait for the NP to write the letter again, that she should have wrote correctly the first time.

 

When the sick old people started to get anxious (i.e. 15 minutes into my "whooping cough" in which I "ran out" of cough drops) they moved things along quite well.

 

So basically, what makes me anxious and angry is other people.

First, your life has done a 180   >>>>>>/>/>>>>>>     ;)

Read your post and you'll notice:

Many of your pre-op problems have vanished.  

Your post-op issues --(1)  your marriage was probably in trouble pre-op so you shouldn't blame it on the surgery.  (2) well, being b*tchy shows you now have the confidence to stick up for yourself.  (3) How many pills were you taking pre-op? (4) You were probably too hard on yourself before surgery too.

Life itself is an emotional roller-coaster and always changing -- in the long run things will work out, they always do.  But believe you're in a better position now than you were before.  Take some time for yourself.  Can you get away for a day or two and just focus on yourself, maybe treat yourself to a spa-day?

Hope you feel better soon!

 

Focus on a the positive changes you've made, and remind yourself that the only way to continue making those positive changes is to keep taking care of you. Don't slack off on the vitamins, get in therapy if you need it. If you want to lose more, then do it! You can absolutely reach your goal if you set your mind to it. Some of the feelings of being in a dream eventually fade, so just hang in there. Be happy! You've done a really great job so far!

Find a way to fit in therapy it'll help you tremendously come to terms with all the Changes. 

You haven't made a 360 degree turnaround. A 180 is what you've done. 360 degrees gets you back where you started at...on change. Not picking at you really not my intent but this is where you don't want to go back to. 

Congratulations on all your accomplishments.   You've done wonderfully (and far better mathematically than you give yourself credit for ... 360 degrees would bring you right back to where you started and you are NOT there).   You have gone 180 degrees away from where you started, well done!

Yes, it is an expression, but give yourself accurate credit for your hard, hard work.

See?

Very proud of you, I remain, yours faithfully,

Marilyn

Congratulations on your changes!

With the best friend part please don't EVER feel this is your fault!!! I haven't had surgery yet but when I made my decision to go ahead with it my "best" friend was super excited was going to fly up and everything but once she realized that I would lose so much so quick she suddenly changed. Yes I am very open to anyone about my surgery and my journey and if they have a difference in opinion then that is on them!! So of course I start talking about the skinny clothes and fashions that I would be able to wear and the amazing things that I could do and I hear from my ex-husband that she is was telling I was selfish, self centered and that everything was always about me! She slowly stopped texting and then befriended me on FB. But the good thing is I learned the lesson in her coming into my life, because she really was one of the main reasons I decided to have the surgery so that we could do more together. She loved to snowboard and hike and go to carnivals and things that I couldn't do so I wanted to do them with her but the lesson I got out of it was that no matter whether we are friends or not she saved my life!!! She was apart of with my hubby and child the reason I made the choice and saved my life!! But just because they can't handle you and your new found confidence don't ever never blame yourself....