Does losing the weight help you establish identity----

This has really been on my mind the past month or so.  It started when I reached a size 14 and could go into the regular-size sections in stores like Macy's and shop at other stores that just plain don't have sizes I used to need.  I found myself being extremely anxious and fighting off full-blown anxiety attacks walking through the store looking for jeans.  I went to an outlet mall and realized I have NO IDEA what these stores sell, what kinds of clothes are in them!  I realized just how marginalized I was in life.  I had no idea how isolated I was because of weight.  I allowed myself to shrink my life to a very small arena where I felt comfortable and knew I'd be accepted.  I didn't have to stretch out and find who I was or what I wanted to say about myself through my clothes because I could really only wear what Lane Bryant or the Avenue was serving up that season.  Done.  It was easy.  I'm completely lost now.   I don't know what I want to say about myself when I walk out the door.  Who am I?  NO IDEA!  I stick to jeans and sneakers mostly because I'm used to them and they feel safe. I'm venturing into places I've never gone before little by little.  I no longer feel like I'm going to have a panic attack but I don't feel at home either.  I expect it'll keep getting better until one day I find the places that speak to me and help me achieve what I want in clothing this new body.  

I also am now really aware that people are not reaching out to me any more now than they did before I started losing weight because I'm still behaving the same way.  I'm working on figuring out how to socialize.  The isolation I created with clothing was just a reflection of the true isolation being SMO afforded me in life.  I wasn't ever disappointed or truly hurt by people because I didn't reach out to them.  I stayed inside my cocoon of fat lonely but not hurt, never testing my limits or finding real joy.  I don't know how to do this but losing the weight has made it feel like I can find my way.  Losing the weight I have so far gives me a real sense of accomplishment that I feel will help me find the strength to make these changes.  I need to make them, I know, in order to find the joy life can bring.  I know I will be able to because I am doing it, kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know I can take the next step because I was successful with this one. There is no sense in feeling limited just a bit uneducated and if it's just education and experimentation I need to feel free, I can do that!

I have said every single one of the things you list in your post about me relating to other people.  I still feel them.  I do however see a different future.  I feel different so I will build a different life.  I've got a strong sense of who I am with regards to my value system.  It's a strong foundation that is my core.  That part of me won't change.  I think the part of me that will be changing is the social being.  I WILL be a social being.  How?  Not really sure... but the journey is mind-blowing.    

Thanks so much for your post!!  Your words really meant a lot to me.  Please keep me posted on how you do with the social part as I know that will be something I struggle with as well.  I know it is hard but you have been so positive about it all.  I am so very proud of you!!  I know you will be more blessed then you ever have been because you are truly conquering the things that have held you back in your past.

I will use this as inspiration to continue and press forward for whatever change lies ahead for me.

Big hugs to you and thanks so much!!

Great questions...obviously something most of us have thought about quite a bit during our journey.  My two cents, for whatever they are worth... I just had my two year surgiversary and have worked hard to maintain my loss from year one.  In short, I opted for this path because, quite frankly, without it, I was headed to an early grave.  My motivations were to get healthy and be around for those who wanted to be in my life.  I did not really worry about who would want to be in my life and also not want to be there as I have moved around in my professional career and the people who I have kept in touch with are strong friendships as opposed to the transient nature of others who have been a part of places I have been.  I was very open about having the surgery, even posting on Facebook, and continue to be humbled by the outpouring of kindness from my friend base along the way...I usually update a couple times during the year and for big events like when I ran a half marathon this year.  I have had dozens of conversations with those interested in doing the surgery, with family members of friends about it, answered questions from those curious and even discussed the "easy way out"  comments with anyone who put it out there...the last one gives me a chuckle when I tell people that I ran/incline walked over 1500 miles in the last year...easy way out my you know what!  I've lost a few friends for sure but I have gained so much in having my health back, understanding just how supportive my community is, being able to work with others on the journey and am much, much more relaxed and confident in my day to day life.  No emptiness here... I am full of hope and excited for the future...

All of that said, I still have to work incredibly hard on trigger foods, eating when not hungry and empty calories just like many and try to participate in work out forums where accountability to the group is measured by posting workouts of the day and what we eat for fuel.  Armed with that along with the limited capacity of my tool...aka, my pouch... I work on this every day and with people who are also making their health a priority.

Lastly, on how people make or made you feel...every day I try to live by the rule that I should treat people how I want to be treated.  The small people who know how they made you feel and can't handle you treating them with respect will fade away.  Others will acknowledge their indiscretion and better understand and respect you and still another group will become good friends.  I've laughed a lot, cried a lot, loved a lot and learned even more, with so much more to learn!  No regrets...in the words of Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption...Get busy Living or get busy Dying.  Damn Straight!

I wish you well on your journey...

tom

Thanks so much for your post!  I greatly appreciate your input.  And with your last quote that is what I want and intend on doing. I feel like I have been just making it through at times instead of enjoying it as I go.  SO through this adventure I hope that to learn to enjoy it and live it to the fullest.  I know losing the weight will help in this journey as I will be able to do more.

I am so proud of you doing a half marathon.  That is my dream to be able to do that.  At this point I would be even happy running 5 miles but I will get there and be stronger then ever.

Keep up the good work!!

I was just talking today about something similar to this. I had gb sept. 2013 and ive lost 222 lbs. My sister is right now 265 pounds and is trying to lose weight herself. She messed up last night and posted on fb that she was a dumb a#$. It really broke my heeart to see that because I used to do that all the time when I was heavy. I realized today that I dont do it anymore...at all. I never activly "tried" to stop that horrible habit it just went away. So now when I see people talk about themselves that way it breaks my heart because I have been there and I know how bad it feels to really beleive that about yourself. We are all great people big small and in between!

Thanks so much for your post!! Big hugs to you.  I know it is hard for sure.  I am so proud of you for reaching your goals.  You are amazing!!  Thanks for sharing this post because it really meant a lot to me and you are right it is sad that we do it to ourselves.  I wish we would learn to love ourselves no matter where we are at in life.  To me that is the best way to live.  I will be praying for your sister as I can totally relate to that as I have done the same as her in the past.

One of the big things I realized after I lost the weight is that I also lost my excuse.  He doesn't like me because I am fat.  I didn't get the job because I am fat.  Just about any bad thing that happened I blamed on my weight.  But you know what?  Thin people don't get the guy and lose the job and all kinds of things that I just assumed didn't happen to thin people and only happened to me because I was fat.

I really had to look at myself and accept a lot of painful truths about myself once I quit blaming everything on my weight.

I love the new avatar LT!

Thanks for your honesty and your post :)

I never thought everything bad revolved around my weight.  My self esteem didn't really change when I lost weight.  I have self esteem issues, have my whole life, but they weren't related to my weight and I always knew that.   But I have been dealing with my emotional issues.  I went to therapy for a long time.  I don't think my personality changed when I lost weight.