My Feeling Lately (Long Post)

     I started not to share this with everyone, but I have always said that we should share the “Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, so I am going to share this with you.  I have been having some mixed feeling lately since I have met my one year mark, that is one reason I have not been quite as active as I normally have been on the boards, because I did not know how to express this and there are not that many that could actually relate to what I am feeling, so please understand as you read my post, I am in great need of SUPPORT at this point in my WLS journey!! 

 

 

      Let me begin by saying that I don't regret having the surgery, what I have been feeling is uncertainty as to if I will be able to succeed with my maintenance.  I am facing the plastics era of my journey and I know that this financial and physical investment will officially end the weight-loss journey and beginning the maintenance journey of my life.  Through all the years of diets and dreaming of reaching this stage, practically all my life since 10 years old, it is actually scary when you reach this stage in your journey. Trust me, I am proud of my accomplishment thus far and when I put on those pants at the last Lunch Bunch, the confused expression on my face says it all, for the first time I realized it, I did not know what to think, because it has put it all into prospective as to where I actually am in my journey.  Trust me, losing the weight, was not an easy journey, but for some reason now that I am at this stage the fear of failure has become greater than when I actually began my WLS journey. There are so many negative attitudes around when you have the surgery, but it seems to increase when you get actually lose the weight, because all those that were negative before are just waiting to see you gain it back.  I guess not seeing the scales move anymore has also really played a tremendous part in this feeling.  When I started out, I set a personal goal of 140, and to be at a normal BMI at the weight of 150 by my one year mark and I did not accomplish this, I was 3 pounds shy of it. Yes, I know that until I actually have plastics, this goal is now really unreasonable, due to the tremendous amount of excess skin that I have.  This skin alone has created a very mental toll on me, because when I see it, the wall is so thick, I think of it as fat, not skin, but I have been assured that it is skin with fat attached and that I will not be able to lose anymore until I have it removed through plastics.

 

 

     This is one of the UGLY things that we do not discuss, it may be because many do not like sharing this or that we do not have many that are at this point, but it is not Pretty, it is actually “the UGLY” part of this journey and can really make an individual feel pretty bad about their body and the weight-loss.  Please understand that I am not sharing these things to get sympathy, I am only sharing my feelings for SUPPORT and maybe there is someone out there that is feeling the same way that I am and needs the SUPPORT too. I know that many have told me, but I am really having more difficulty with it lately.  I have had a ton of infections and actually, I just received a letter from one of my doctors for my insurance company explaining that I was one of the worst cases he has ever experienced.  This is good in that hopefully my insurance will help cover some of the expense for plastics, but knowing this has also been really hard, because I know how I feel, but seeing it in writing really has made it that much more surreal!!  There have been many days that I look in the mirror or when I am in the tub and seeing the skin makes me really feel as large as I once was at 336 pounds, to the point that I dread these activities.  Yes, I know what the scale says and what the tags say in my clothes, but getting it straight in my head has been very difficult lately, some days more than others.

 

 

      Everyone here is so supportive and wonderful and I would not be where I am today if it were not for those here. Susan, Paula, Melinda, Juanita, April, Kym, and Misty have been around longer than I have and have been my ANGELS and I am very grateful.  I have also been thankful for those that have come behind me, because helping you with your journey has kept me accountable for my actions, some have referred to me as their ANGEL and I am just grateful to have been taught by the best and given the opportunity of “PASSING IT ON”.  I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings as to where I am in my journey and what I am going through.  I saw someone post recently about her problems since she hit the one year mark, so I have been really thinking about how I have been feeling these past few weeks since I hit mine and thought I would share them with you.  Yes, I knew going into this surgery that there was a strong possibility that this could happen and I looked in the mirror and said which would I rather be Fat, Ugly, and UNHEALTHY or Thinner with lots of loose skin, but HEALTHY, well I chose the later of the two, even though I do not regret my decision, because my health is why I did this and it is very much improved and for that alone I am grateful, but I am having trouble with the reality of the skin!!

 

 

Sorry this is so long and if you have taken the time to read it, I thank you, because I felt it really needed to be expressed and maybe someone can help me or read this and know that they are not alone!!

 

 

 

 

HELP with my HEAD ANYONE!!!

 

 

 

 

Love Yall, Shelia

 

 

Hi. I am pre-op, so I don't really have any "words of wisdom" for you, but I hope you find your way through this struggle. We all have experienced what it is like being fat - the discrimination, the humiliation, etc., and I think that doesn't go away with the pounds. For many of us our extra weight was like our security blankets. It allows us to have an excuse for why things do not happen for us. Sometimes we even embrace the discrimination because it gives us a "cause", y'know? After WLS when the weight is no longer a shield for us, we really have to figure out who we are because our identity as a fat person is gone, and the loose skin is a reminder of both what you were, as well as the journey to get where you are. I'm sure it wasn't easy. So, maybe you focus on how much better you feel. Maybe you start looking at before and after pictures of patients who have had plastic surgery so that you can get your head around how things may be for you. Again, I don't have answers, but I'm trying to best figure out what I would do in your situation, and I think I would try to be excited about what is to come. I don't know if what I said was helpful, but if nothing else, you have got me thinking ahead to my future. Best of luck, Kathy

I think it is good that you expressed this for many reasons. One that everyone knows that the journey is not easy or without bumps along the road and that we all learn from it as well. I think My issue is not only the skin but the fact that I am only three months from my two year surgiversary have lost over two hundred lbs and yes I am proud yes I am so glad. I only wish I had it sooner. I guess you can say I am jealous of those who had surgery at a starting weight of what I weigh now and within months are in onederland or what have you. Maybe hard to understand but I still feel like I should have done better?? Those of you that started where I started may understand what I am talking about.  You have done wonderful the feelings you are having are real and should be expressed and you are not the only one that has felt this way. I am here foir you sweet lady !!

I'm sure there have been groups before, and will be those after, all of us currently here.  Truth is, though, that of the one here now, I was the first to receive plastics.  Everyone was elated, including me...  until it became reality.  Then after plastics, life was topsy turvy, and no one was there for me to turn to.  I tried to voice my pain, my dissatisfaction, and honestly I turned to another website, actually 2, that i dont tell anyone about here because it is my own plastics support group.  They have been through the journey, farther ahead than myself, and know what it feels like, and even know the rejection and misunderstanding that comes from friends, family members, and yes even other gastric patients...  when it comes to having the plastic surgery.  to some, it might be enough to lose the weight.  For others however, there will be a lot of mental/psychological affects until they receive their plastic surgery and get "fixed".  All I saw, regardless of how much I lost, was that hanging skin on my tummy.  I could not see my pubic hair unless I grabbed hold of the skin fat combo and lifted it up.  I had not been able to see this area on my body for years...  but the weight loss made it worse.  How would I think that a man could find that attractive?  It was a terrible mental anguish for me...   So when I took that bandage off after the tummy tuck, I was near tears...  I could see my pubic hair for goodness sakes!  Something that many women take for granted...  I could sprint across the room and NOT hear the sound of slapping skin!  I could run and not feel like half my body was weighting me down and causing me to be a laughing stock...  so many things i could name that the surgery did for me...  I think that its a very important step.  As for the fear of failure, I know what you mean by that as well.  Hey my pants are tight this week.  I posted about that, didn't get too many responses...  wasn't looking for pity cause someone else might say "yeah, well who cares?  I still have to lose my excess... Three pounds isn't goig to hurt you!"  But to me, that three lbs is the EVER constant reminder that I am one step away from being obese again...  fear of failure...  fear of regain...  fear that all it would take is one episode of out of control eating or careless haphazard and I could/would be on my way to 251 lbs again.  We're all in this together....  whether we had 100 lbs to lose, 350 lbs to lose, 500 lbs to lose...  and whether we gain 3 lbs, or 10 lbs, or even 30 lbs...  it is very taxing on our psychological part of who we are...  something we will have to fight for the rest of our lives.  Someone told me recently that I was trying to be too controlling over my eating...  so as not to gain weight.  Yes, so true.  I do have an eating disorder.  Its called obesity.  And because I am not obese anymore, that does not mean that I no longer have that eating disorder.  It means that I am still in recovery and healing myself and trying to change my lifestyle habits so I won't LOOK like I have an eating disorder, when really my head is still there..... It does help to talk about it.  Honestly, I think people don't want to talk about it.  They don't want to admit their issues...  Hey I can't help but look at others and ask Tim "are they smaller than me?"  and in my heart, I find myself wishing i was smaller.  I see a woman whose breasts look perky and great, and I think "why can't mine look like that?" and part of me gets so mad...  and I think, "she looks pretty, why can't I be that pretty?"  and it makes me strive all the more to better my appearance...  I think that as women, that is a very natural part of who we are, whether we want it to be like that or not...  men though don't generally care as much...  I'm just going on and on...  but know that you do have support here...  sometimes it might be quiet, and not many responses, but it does at least spawn some type of mental thought processes in each of us that make us think about it.... 

I have seen my friend's go thru this.. You young lady have come a long way's,,thank God you had the balls to go have the surgery in the quest to get healthy,,and Thank God again that He supplied your need's for this tool to be done...alot of people arent so lucky,,,weight for most of us will always be a struggle,,ya know,,we all want to be  slim and have the J-Lo body,,wouldnt it be great if we could just snap out finger's and do that ?  I have met you,,and you are one of the kindest people I have met...

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Psalm 139

Never forget,,that u are where u are supposed to be,,,you have Balcony People cheering you on,,you have done well and you should be proud of yourself,,, Give yourself time hun,,really,,it will come and thing's will be better

I think your an inspiration !  You are to me anyway's

Shelia, Bless your heart for being so honest.  We ALL need that.  I have a LONG way to go, but am already unhappy with hanging skin.  I have also been terribly afraid of failing.  I have always failed when it comes to weight loss so I have a hard time believing I can do this.  But, I CAN do this...you have, and Mel has and many others have,  and I get hope from all of you.  My best friend lives in Alabama.  She had RNY almost 3 years ago and now weighs about 130.  She could not get to her goal until she had her LBL.  Then, I think it was 8 pounds of skin was removed, and she hit goal!  I am sorry that you are feeling scared, but I certainly understand it! Marilyn

I, too, am a pre-op and do now have words of wisdom. However, I do want to offer you support and well wishes. I hope you are able to overcome this feeling. Brit

Shelia and Melinda,
Thank you both so much for your honesty. I am just 4 months post op but often wonder what I will face when I am at goal. I have had one plataue that lasted 3 weeks and I just knew I was going to be that one person that the surgery only worked for 3 months and that was it! I too am afraid of failure.
The support here is great and I appreciate your honesty and sharing what you guys are feeling.
Hang in there and we shall all take this journey just one day at a time.

Hey girl!  I think this is a fabulous post.  So many people think we have it all together!  Bwahahaha! I know exactly what you are going thru.  Exactly.  I am coming up on my 2 year surgiversary and cannot believe it!  I had a physician tell me just this past week that NOW is when I need to be worried because NOW is when wls pts start gaining back the weight.  WHATTTTTT?  I did not want to hear that.  At all.  Now I am really scared.  So i DO understand where you are coming from. I think it is important that folks know, regardless of where you are on the journey, that this journey never gets easy.  NEVER!!  That is why we need this support group and whatever support groups we can get in.  I think it is awesome that Melinda is in a plastics support group.  I think if you have had plastics, you should be in one.  We can all use a little help from those who know what we are experiencing.  Never think that something you are going thru is not important.  Or would not be helpful to others.  But know that sometimes to be supportive, we have to be honest and tell each other things that we may not like to hear.  I hope you guys care enuff to do the same to me. So, my physician friend scared me.  I am going to make more goals.  I am going to do another 5 k in the spring and try to beat my last time.  And keep trying.  If anyone else wants to join me let me know.  I refuse to let this physician be RIGHT.  I am sooo going to prove him wrong. Thanks Sheila, you rock girlfriend!  

Hi  Sheila, I can fully understand your feelings. I see a therapist to help me sort things out. I have my tummy tuck done in April of 2007, and I have gained some weight back on, where I don't know, but it's there.  I understand that having the loose skin or flabby part is the ugly part of this journey, but I  just prayed more about it and even though I've had my thighs done, I still don't like my arms being so saggy.  This board has be my life savor for 4 years now as I became a member in May 04.  You're right no one talks about this side of the journey and that's when we need the support too, not just during the weightloss.  But remember this, the plastic surgeons would rather wait to remove the lose skin after 18 months to 2 years because you are still losing or to the point of gaining back a few pounds before doing the surgery. I was 15 months out when I had mine done due to infections.  Melinda was 10 months out when she had hers.  Now we are both starting to gain weight,  it's a constant battle for life.  I just have to trust God that all will be okay for me and that HE knows what is going on.  This board is very supporative for the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it really hit home on a lot of issues.      I know you will eventually over come these thoughts, at times I still see myself as sever morbid obese, or find myself in the plus section of a store. It still hasn't hit me fully that I don't belong in those departments anymore.  A part of me is still afraid that I won't be able to get this extra 20 lbs off that I have gained since January 16th when I had my 2 year weigh-in.   I will keep you in my prayers that everything negative will take a turn for the positive real soon.  Love Kathy