Letter I received

I received a letter on my site yesterday.  I would like for you to read it.  It actually spawned a series of letters between me and the original author.  Her name is Juliet.  She is an advocate for women to accept their bodies as is...  without accepting society's standards of being thin.  She was concerned because in much of my writing, she sees unhealthy views of myself. though yes that is probably very true, its a very normal part of our journeys... as we struggle to accept ourselves as the new people we look like and have become/are becoming.  I received her permission to publish the letters in full...  and she has also put it on her site as for some very interesting statements about "our community" whi*****ludes you!  Click here for her blog, EatingMyCake Feel free to comment.  I am interested in what you read.

Very good letters with respect towards one another's journey. Juliet is a wonderfully secure person because she accepts herself as she is and loves herself. I will honestly tell you that I haven't loved myself in a long time, well actually the only time I loved myself was giving birth to my 2 beautiful children. I still don't love myself but I'm working on it. A couple of scriptures that I constantly repeat to myself are "As a man thinketh, so is he" and "I will praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my soul knoweth right well".

These scriptures remind me that I'm no mistake and just by still living, I've received a gift from God.

This is a hard journey and no one can make it alone and this is why support and therapy is so important. Very good reading Melinda and Juliet.

Melinda, Thank you for sharing the letters. My reaction probably isn't as positive as yours though. I'm happy that she has accepted herself but she also seems to be trying to justify her decision not to try to lose weight. She seems a little in denial about what can happen because of obesity.  As a person, I am happy just to be me. My decision to seek weight loss surgery really has nothing to do with my appearance. It used to bother me when people stared but I soon realized those people were small minded and their opinion doesnt  matter because they don't know me. I am realistic about my appearance. I'm not what people consider attractive, not just because of my weight but because I just wasn't made that way. This doesn't bother me in the least though. It's what is inside me that I worry about. I want to be a person who is compassionate, who tries always to do the right thing in difficult cir****tances, who thinks of others first. Maybe it would be easier to say that I would like to be a good Christian, as those values are something dear to my heart. I am very satisfied with my life and I'm content and happy with who I am. The problem I have is health related. It has been declining for years because of my weight and now that there is something I can do that might help, I want to try it. What spurred me into action was learning that I have a grandchild on the way. In my heart, my wish is to live long enough to be the kind of grandmother I had when I was young. She was the dearest person in the world to me. I want to pass that on. I won't be able to do that in the physical shape I'm in right now. At the moment, I use a wheelchair and wont even be able to carry him when he gets here. My daughter will be going back to work 6 weeks after he is born and I will be caring for him. At this point, I will have to have help to do that.  I know everyone's reason for having weight loss surgery is not the same as mine. That's not to say their reasons arent good ones. I would never stand in judgement of someone elses decision.  Anyway, I didn't mean to go on this long. I'm not even sure of the point I was trying to make. Thanks again for sharing. It has made me question my motives. Karen

Hey Melinda!  I'm going to weigh in (no pun intended) on this before reading the letter.  Because I've heard this debate soooo many times.  It is true that there exists self esteem issues in people who are overweight.  I would never dispute that.  But, I've heard those people (the ones we hated) who could eat everything and not put on a pound express frustration in their body type too.  I think there is this assumption that all overweight people have self esteem issues and that it's always attached to their body image.  I've said for a long time that I make fat look good.  I think I look good.  With that said, I could look better physically (the more socially accepted better).  I am all for body acceptance.  However, I do take issue with those who promote being overweight.  We all know the health risks that come with being overweight.  I contemplated WLS for 10 yrs.  I decided to go ahead with it when I was diagnosed as being diabetic.  Up to that point, I really didn't have any serious comorbidities.  I didn't decide to have WLS for my looks or to make me feel better about who I am.  I like the person that I am.  Granted, having the fabulous socially accepted body will be an added benefit but it definitely was not the reason that motivated me.  Anywho... that's my 2 cents on it.

I have to agree with Karen, I was a little insulted by the fact that she thinks we are "Pressured" to have WLS, ok so maybe I was pressured, by the fact that I at 33 years old had been told I would be extremely fortunate to live to age 35.  I didn't do it for anyone else, because quite frankly if you like me you like me, if not you don't.  I will not go out of my way to impress anyone and don't really care much about "the looks" department.  I probably won't ever have PS but should I judge those who do?  I don't , I think you should do whatever makes you feel good.  I don't feel I have to justify myself or my decisions to the Juliets of the world. Just my opinion. darlene

I was not happy !  That's for sure. I let it rest for an hour before responding.  I had to think, breathe, calm down...  and ask Tim "is that true?  do I come off like that?"  I don't think I do but maybe I do...  and we talked about it for quite awhile. OK I vented to him, and some involved cuss words! lol  But then  I decided to have a discussion with her about the whole thing... 

Well, Melinda, I have to say that to me you DO NOT come across that way and ,as Juliet,  I have not met you in person only across the room and on OH.   I applaud you for calming down before answering.  Unfortunately I don't have that filtering capabitlity.  LOL love ya girl, darlene

I was never pressured into considering weight loss surgery either. One doctor tried to encourage me to do it and he wasn't even my doctor. I was only there because he was doing my husband's sleep study. I took him with a grain of salt. I only knew about the surgery because a friend of mine had it several years ago. I was the one who brought it up to my doctor. He asked me questions to see how much I was aware of what's expected. Then he told me he is behind me all the way. When I backed out and changed my mind last year, He didn't bring it up again. I did. This time he did say he thinks I made a good decision. He said he will do everything he can to help. He let me pick my surgeon. He never pressured me in any way. My driving force is that I came to the realization that I've really tried and can't do it on my own, and that I want to be around a while longer.  I don't really feel I'm the type for PS either but I do have to admit that even without losing weight I have the panniculous (sp) already. I get irritations and rashes under there all the time. Not pleasant. If my insurance paid for it, I might have that removed later. Blessings to all you who were brave enough to take the surgery route. Karen

Hi Ladies, I found this thread because this site was one of my top referring sites so far this month. I was curious, so I followed the link. I just want to clarify a few things, some incorrect impressions you have of me and my positions. I hope you'll take the time to listen. First off, I do not advocate being overweight. That's not even remotely close to what I am doing with my blog or my life. In fact, I refrain from calling what I am hoping to achieve "fat acceptance" because for me it's not about what size you are. It's about how you feel about the person you are. As for weight related health concerns, I understand that there are risks. I question, however, some of the statistics we are constantly fed by the media and by "medical professionals." Just look at the CDC having to recant the number of deaths they had attributed to obesity in one recent year. They claimed a number close to 400,000... the reality was under 27,000. That is an enormous discrepancy. I believe we need to be educated, regardless of what path we choose to take. I don't presume to judge each individual person who has WLS. While I've known some who were only 50 pounds overweight and who had the surgery purely for aesthetic reasons, I also know that  many of you who go this route do so out of legitimate health concerns. I do not think WLS is an "easy way out" or a "quick fix." I think it is a life altering surgery that should be taken extremely seriously. It seems that each of you has done just that... but too often doctors DO pressure patients or use scare tactics - and I cannot and will not respect that. I also find it absolutely appalling that this surgery, with all its inherent physical and psychological risks, is now being done on children as young as ten years old. I do not believe this surgery should be performed on anyone under the age of 18. I celebrate those of you who have always loved yourselves, no matter what. It's wonderful that you feel that way. I think it means you'll have an easier time with the emotional side effects of WLS. That said, I think many people who have WLS don't love themselves to begin with, and I believe that without dealing with the underlying causes of the eating disorder, there can be no long term success. I believe there is a risk to either turn one eating disorder in for another (anorexia, for example) or to turn from food to something else... gambling, shopping, sexual addictions, etc. I'm not judging you, ladies. I am simply researching, finding examples and trying to make people aware. At the end of the day, I believe the decision to have - or not have - WLS is an extremely personal choice. I just am advocating that people come to terms with themselves and their bodies beforehand, in order to best have success. For me, WLS would have been an absolute disaster, had I decided to listen to the two doctors who pressured me to do it. I would likely have wound up anorexic, because I've always - on some twisted level - admired their "willpower." Rationally, I understand that it's not willpower, that it's something insidious and poisonous... but I have an eating disorder, too, so I already have that same insidious, poisonous voice in the back of my head, and I do battle with it regularly. I think that what is, whether you like this term or not, medically induced anorexia would've been extremely appealing to me - because finally, the choice wouldn't have been my own. My body would've forced me to obey, and I've read stories of women who've wound up anorexic, because they sadly got caught up in competitions with other WLS patients... competitions where they would see who could eat the smallest amounts, who could lose weight the fastest. I know now that this would've been me. Weight loss in a vacuum won't work for me. I would only have other demons to battle as a thin person. So instead, I choose to do battle right now, by accepting and loving the person I am today. I choose to live for the now, instead of for the dream that will never be. Ultimately, I will likely lose weight as I work on eating intuitively and listening to my body's needs and respecting it, but that's not the main objective anymore - and the interesting twist on it is that, for me, if I ever want to lose weight and maintain that weight loss, this process CANNOT be about losing weight. You have the right to choose what to do with your bodies. At the end of the day, it's up to each individual to do the research, to make the best choice possible for himself or herself. My only goal is to reach people who aren't sure, who are struggling... people who are like I was not terribly long ago. I hope that all of you can respect that. ~Juliet