I need advice...

Have you ever been in a relationship and not had the support that you thought would be given to you? To much of my surprise it's coming from someone that I have been so close to all my life. She has been there with me through all kinds of things. Whenever I bring up weightloss or wanting to start a diet or lifestyle change, I get all kinds of negative feedback- some of it is just silience. I love this person so much. She's my cousin but more like a sister to me. I do know that she is going through a great deal at home. Her mom has been sick and now her dad. I've tried to show that I'm there for her, but I work 2 jobs, go to school fulltime and have a family of my own, not mention in the middle of buying land and getting our house in a couple of weeks. It's hard sometimes for me to be there. Of course as I'm typing this I'm realizing maybe she has a lot on her plate [pardon the expression] and can't give me the support I need. All my life I've worried about what she thinks and I need to find a 'weigh' to not think about it. Sometimes I feel like she's ok with me being fat and if I were to lose weight either on my own or with the gastric that I'm the bad guy. There's always been this unspoken competition between us-For instance, when I got pregnant she got mad because she had been trying and couldn't. I wasn't supposed to be happy. She has since adopted two of the most beautiful boys and she couldn't be happier- I'm to the point now to where I don't even want to talk about losing weight. I don't talk about school with my mom either, but that's another post for another day.  I'm sorry for what may seem like whining, but I need your advice...if you are willing to give it to me that is... Thank you!!!

I may be wrong, but the first thing that comes to my mind is that she is jealous.  Is she smaller than you?  She may be afraid that after you lose weight, you might just be prettier, happier, more desireable than she is.  That sounds like junior high school stuff, but I've seen it happen MANY times!   That's my 2 cents worth! You and I have the same doctor.  Don't you just love him? \

I do agree w/ Joann sounds as if she is jealous of you maybe and dosent want you happier than her and you getting what she dosent have and YES I too have see a lot of this with this surgery and if you sit back and listen you here this all the time. So you need to take  care of number 1 and thats you and let her worry about herself.  And your not whinnying thats why we are here. So come back asking anytime.

Sounds like to me she may be loosing her eating buddy ...  She may be getting angry at the fact that while you will be changing your way of eating and getting healthy .. she will have no one to go to lunch with .. dinner .. or just go out and eat .. as you will need to change the way you do these things ya know ..  She may just be jelous .. who knows .. but I would not let it change anything I wanted to do to get my life healthy .. Just MHOP ...  I would tell her that while things change with your life and health .. the love you have for her does not and that you need her friendship .. lay it out in the open .. do not hold back .. this is your friend .. and if she is your true friend .. she will listen and understand .  Best wishes to you ,  Tink

She is overloaded right now and doesn't have anything to give.  She probably doesn't know how she feels about your weight loss and doesn't have the energy to sort it out right now.  One of my friends got quiet when I talked about WLS and I know she was not jealous.  I think she was worried and didn't want to interfere.  Your friend is too worried about her family right now to be all bent out of shape by you.  Be gentle with her.  Don't confront her right now.  I know you are overloaded too, just be her friend.  Hugs, Loris

I've been on several weight loss boards, but this one by far is the best!!! Thank you all for what you do!!

 

Xoxoxo-

Lori

Hi Lori, You've certainly gotten a lot of good input from several people here so my only addition is... To thine own self, be true. As long as YOU feel you've made the correct decision for YOU, then you need not answer to anyone else. Happy Journey!!!

Good am, One of the most significant issues I came and have come to deal with regards to others and their changing behaviors is that others tend to be upset, judge and down what they cannot or do not understand and it relates to fear. Fear of losing the person they've come to know literally and figuratively. Some in my life truly feared the surgery and outcome itself meaning its a major surgery that could come with a list of complications and they didn't want to think in terms of me not making it through or dealing with the complications. Determination to lead a better life and wanting to be here for my oldest bugga are what I focused on. I left the negativity to others as it was/is a waste of time and energy. Now I'm blessed with 2 beautiful buggas (girls) and a lease on life that is amazing. I've developed better self esteem and such an amazing support system! Often times its hard for others to realize and understand the importance of making a decision like this (to have surgery) and instead of talking openly and honestly about it they tend to react negatively. Do not let them discourage you. This is your life we are talking about and something tells me that they will still be there after surgery as well if they are truly commited to your relationship. It will take time and honest, open communication but things will come together. Have faith! Its a tough time for you and your emotions are in a state of disaray but do some knee-mail and give things to God. Ask Him for guidance and remember that we are here for you as well. Keep in mind also that you are making a conscience decision to better your life and you are taking control so that you can live the life you are meant to and that is healthier and more productive.

Well it definitely sounds like you are in a rough spot.  There could be so many things going through your cousins mind.  Of course like you said she has so much on her plate right now.  The jealousy/losing and eating buddy could be a factor.  There could be some underlying fears there that what you are considering could harm you.  I had similar issues with my mother & sister and had to pretty much say this is what I am doing, if you can't be supportive than we just won't talk about it.  Try talking to your cousin and see if you can find out what the issue is.  Be patient with her as she does have a lot going on and be there for her (as much as you can). 

This is not whining.......you are feeling very hurt by all of this. At some point you may need to decide to look after yourself, and if your cousin does not come on board with you, then let things lie until she comes back to want to be with you. Your warning signs should have been her not being happy with you when you were pregnant - the signs of extreme jealousy were already there. This is your health and your future and you need to take care of yourself.......... You will find that for some reason people do change when they hear that you plan to have weightloss surgery - they do not understand about it, are scared for you and don't know how to react when you lose so much weight. Also you may want to not surround yourself with negative people - you need postiive people to help boost your confidence. Negative people will bring you down.... You may find that your circle of friend will change after surgery - it is not always a bad things - plus the people on this board will be here to support you... Jackie