Weekend ups & downs

Well, the long weekend is over & it feels good to be home, even as much as I love being at the farm.

I did NOT get to ride my horse. I am very dissappointed about that too.  Dennis, being our trainer, had some concerns about putting me back up in the saddle.  On the one hand I can see his points are valid, but on the selfish other hand...I WANNA RIDE MY HORSE!!!!!  I WANNA! I WANNA! I WANNA!  Sorry, brief childish melt-down.  Anyway, the points he made:

I don't have the physical strength or endurance that I need in order to not only ride properly, but to also handle my horse safely yet.  More weight needs to be lost & I need to do some strength training first.  As he said, I would start out riding with a straight back & all but as I began to tire, my body would start to droop & that would send very distinct messages to the 900+ pounds of animal underneath me.  It's not a question of whether or not I have the skill, it's a question of being fit enough to handle that 900 lbs.  He's right.  I know that.  But here's where the problem lies for me.  I'm just so sick of being left behind, alone, or following along in the Kubota, lagging back so that the other riders can hear Dennis' orders (remember, this is a cavalry unit too) when they drill.  And Mike feels guilty when he gets to ride off & I don't.  It boils down to my needing to learn patience.  I didn't realize until this surgery that I have very little patience, at least with myself.  So the downside is that I didn't get to ride, but the upside is that I have a new goal to add to my list...patience.

Another upside/downside issue that came up this weekend.  My friend, Lynnie, one of our "regular crowd" is a big supporter of my wl journey, as is the rest of the group.  Me, her, & Tina went walking on the farm twice this weekend.  We didn't go too far on the first walk, but I actually walked 2 miles on the 2nd & that's up & down hills! Wow!  What an accomplishment! Granted, Mike had to come get me with the Kubota, but I didn't know I could do that much.  The next day my calves were sore, but I was very tired.  Lynnie, being the constant enthusiast, was all up for our walk...I was not.  The next thing I know, she's pulling this huge guilt trip on me which left me feeling like a complete failure & reduced me to tears.  I had to go to my trailer to regain my composure, both from the tears & the absolute anger that welled up.  It was all I could do to keep from lashing out at her.  So, what to do with a friend that really does have my best interest at heart, but is over zealous in her support?  Even though I have reminded her many times when she's tried to push me beyond my capabilities before that hey, I've only got 25% heart function here...can't do what YOU do, she just hangs on to what SHE thinks is best.  For the rest of the day I pretty much stayed to myself while they went off to do stuff around the farm.  When we did come together as a group again, the tension between us was high & uncomfortable even with both of our efforts to "act" like all was well with us.  Lynnie is one of those types that grabs onto a fad & hangs on for dear life. She's also a self-help book addict & then spends countless hours shoving her latest fad down all our throats!  And now she has a new cause...ME!  So, what do I do?  I don't want to lose my temper with her, I don't want to lose her friendship, & I don't want to lose her support.  Her heart's in the right place, but geez...I just don't know what to do.  Any ideas?

 

I would talk to her, but wait until you are calm and can be completely rational. I would come at it as Thanks for your intended help but I need you to relax just a little. Hope this helps. And by the way , I saw your wedding pictures- you looked lovely, :) Dolly

i would share my feelings with her and have a good cry  and kiss and make up. since you don't want to lose her friendship or support... otherwise i'd cuss her out.

Hello my lovely lady.  Glad you had a pretty good weekend.  Sorry that is was rough on you.  As for the riding thing, your trainer is right and I am glad you listened.  You have to be ready not only for your safety but the safety of your horse.  Maybe you can talk to your trainer and see if some short carefree rides close by are in order.  Not only to start getting you used to being back in the saddle but to get your horse ready too.  Think compromise and see what you all can come up with.   As for your friend, I agree that you need to have a talk.  Tell her how much here support means to you and how happy you are to have her for a friend.  Gently remind her that the surgery didn't fix your physical issues overnight and that you are having to gradually work up you strength and abilities.  Most importantly remind her that you have to follow your doctors orders and what you body tells you.  On a side note, please remember that your hormone levels are probably really high due to your weight loss (those fat cells horde our hormones and as we lose them all of those hormones are released back into our bodies) and things may seem a bit worse than they really are and you may react stronger than you normally would.  Just one of the many little surgery issues we have to deal with. Please don't feel like a failure.  You are doing fabulously and this journey is one that you have to take one day at a time.  Just keep working as hard as you have been and keep paying attention to your body & doctors and you will achieve so many great things. 

Sweetie I read your post last pm and thought about it so much and prayed on it as well. I know you were disappointed but things will come together in time. I remember your emotions all too well about feeling left behind and feeling like there isn't much you can participate in. However, things will change as the weight comes off and your endurance picks up. You will not only be able to ride your horse famously but walking....you might just leave others behind! I know that at this point you are feeling such a range of emotions and that is normal (even if it is making ya ). Patience is a hard lesson for me as well but it will come too. I want you to know you are  a failure what so ever. Keep in mind some of us even in our fittest times may not be able to do the same things as others but that we make efforts for ourselves is what counts the most. I have learned losing our temper with others is not always the best way to handle it because once we've calmed down we are able to really look at things and address with them the core issues we see things a bit differently. For me, I find writing letters, emails etc are helpful to get me to address points I want to get across - sometimes I will send the emails/give/send the letters and other times I will use them as a point of reference to address someone in person. I will tell you that I have been where you are with some not understanding me, my choices and how I feel about things and have instead chosen to make me their project and example so to speak. But, I have learned that COMMUNICATION is truly the key to ANY friendship/relationship/connection with others and I think if you take a bit of time to reflect then address your friend openly, honestly and even mention how much you appreciate what she's trying to do but that you need to be able to "breathe" a bit she will come around. Stand your ground sweetie - this is your life - your journey and you are important as is your health so pushing it a bit isn't bad but sometimes it isn't good either. Keep your chin up and make a list of all the things you want to accomplish then when the time comes you've got lots of check marks and lots of smiles and even more the love, support and cheers of family, friends and God.

Ya'll are really amazing & very insiteful.  And apparently even I was thinking along the same lines as you all have written to me here.  I did send Lynnie an email before I started this thread & here's what I said:

Sooo, that was some weekend we all had, wasn't it?  I had such a good time!!!!  But then sharing time people you love is always good.  I'm sorry about yesterday.  I know you only have my best interests at heart.  I'm going through so many changes & trying to balance this weight loss stuff with the diabetes & my heart stuff that sometimes it's hard to know or even explain what my limitations are.  Especially when I'm still learning it all myself.  Each issue has different requirements & trying to marry them up & make them work in unison is no easy task.  While it was true that my calves were a bit sore, mainly I was just too tired.  I was up all night Sunday, worried about Mike sleeping in our trailer.  I kept getting up from the kitchen table & checking to make sure the darned thing wasn't a'blaze!! Add to that the fact that I am much more mobile than I have been in the past couple of years but I'm still working with only 25% of my heart function, so I tire easily.  I know I pushed the edge some on our walk Sunday, but my goodness what a sense of accomplishment I felt.  I wasn't hurting, I wasn't even really breathing heavily...I just got tired.I would like to reassure you though that I am not a quiter by any means.  I just know my limitations & I'm very in-tune to my body & can tell when things aren't right.  I do want your support & your encouragement, Lynnie.  All I ask is that you trust me to know when I can push harder & when I need to slow down.  Just because I didn't walk yesterday, did not mean I was whimping out...it just meant I needed to limit myself.  Mike & I talked about all this last night & he's right...I don't have a clear idea of how to work an exercise regime.  Back in my skinny days, my exercise consisted of a demanding ***** ballet instructor that worked us like dogs, Polynesian dancing 6 days a week, & my playing racquetball 3 or 4 times a week!  I think only one time in my life did I ever "exercise" like most people do & that was only for a short time with an exercise coach.  So Mike has suggested that I walk short walks on Mon, Wed & Fri for 2 weeks, & ride my bike on Tue & Thu.  Then after the 2 weeks, extend my walk a little more & put tension on my bike & just keep building it up.  I recognize that I want everything to change overnight & Dennis & I agreed, during our talk the other night, that I need to work on patience.I AM positive about one thing though.  I NEVER want to feel the tension between us that I felt yesterday again.  You are one of my dearest friends & a very important person in my life.  I don't want ANYTHING to get in the way of that.  We may have to agree to disagree sometimes but it shouldn't get in the way of what we have built together in our friendship.  So, with that said, I'm off to eat some lunch & take care of some chores that are way overdue.I love you!I've not gotten a response back yet. Don't know that I will, but I believe I worded it gently enough, yet firm enough to explain the situation I am in, what my goals are, what my limits are, & was specific about what I need from her.  It doesn't mean she'll change her ways cuz she's like a dog with a toy & doesn't know when to let go.  Apparently her & her husband even got into an argument about what happened (which I didn't know about till Mike told me last night).  Alain had taken up my side, trying to help, but she just got all defensive & shut down.  But at least I tried.Courtney, I'm sure you're right about the hormones playing a part.  I keep forgetting about those pesky little buggars.  One thing each of you had in common though was to talk to her, which I've done.  Should be interesting to see how this will play out.  At any rate, I thank you ALL for your input.  You're an amazing bunch of wonderful people!