Husband's ultimatum on my weight

My husband had WLS less than a year ago and has lost about 150 pounds. He's still dropping the weight. I have lost 25 pounds on my own since then. A couple of days ago he informed me unless I lose 30 more pounds, he is leaving me. I can't say I'm too shocked, since he's always been shallow and superficial ... My other reaction is, "If I gain 30 pounds, will he leave sooner?" He's also demanding (which I refuse to do) that I give him a daily report on my weight, since I'm clearly cheating on my food plan in his opinion. I was encouraged by some posts prior to the surgery (and personal testimony from people) that people's personalities changed for the better after the surgery.  He is happier, it's just that he's even more critical of everyone and everything around him, in short ... over-bearing and controlling 1000X worse. But now I'm "the fat cow, hideous wife" he doesn't want to be seen with. After 9 years of marriage and putting up with him as he ate his way up to almost 450 pounds, this is the thanks I get. I do need to lose more weight, I freely admit that but this isn't the way to be supportive, in my opinion. He's a stone emotionally, pretty much always has been we've been together, except for the very beginning when he acted charming to get me and a few brief times now and then when our child was born. Yes, I know about the WLS Spouses forum - it's basically a dead board.

Hello As I wont get in the middle of this. But NO man should treat you that way, Period, Even your husband. He should remember he was overweight at one time too, and not everyone should get the surgery. But this is YOUR decision only. He cant make you have surgery, losing weight on your own is a Very Hard challenge. As I have tried, I do say that surgery was the best thing for ME, and my hubby has done it too. Since we are growing with the surgery together, it has helped. But I still believe it is not right to be so shallow and rude, so good luck.

To which I would reply..."don't let the door hit you in the ass" Sounds like he is using his new found confidence to give you a heads up that he is leaving. You can only lose weight for  yourself not anyone else.  Good luck to you.

Quite seriously - I would dump him now.........It sounds like he is going to leave you anyway because he is now giving you ultimatums which no-one should do to another person with regard to weight. He knows you are probably going to fail and why should you give him daily reports on your weight when you never insisted he do the same to you. Don't give him time to get all of his ducks in a row - tell him you are leaving him now and do it. I know this sounds hard but you can't be happy with things they way they are and he thinks he can dictate how things are going to be to you. Doesn't sound like a way you treat someone you love. I was married previously and now would never tolerate anyone treating me in this way. My husband is 100% supportive of everything I am doing and I am so happy of this. I would never ever tolerate this kind of treatment. I am sorry if you feel this is hard but I am just telling it as I see it - you deserve so much better than this person. If emotionally he is a stone then you know he means this and does not care about your feelings........ You deserve way better - there is no shame in being overweight and you do not deserve this treatment........ Jackie

I've heard and experienced many things since my surgery in the area of my marriage. Some good, some bad.  I've heard many times that if you have a strong marriage going into WLS, your marriage will grow and become stronger...but on the flip-side, if you have a weak or struggling marriage, it will deteriorate and get worse.  Your weight is your issue....yes, it affects him in some ways, but honestly, when I see overweight people now my heart breaks. It doesn't have to be like that and yet, I know how hard it is to make changes....I lived it for far to long to be judgmental.  SO...our marriages are a personal thing...the choices we make in them are ours to make and we don't have to answer to anyone but ourselves and our God (if you're a religious person). You will know what to do and when to do it. I would suggest trying counseling for you, him and as a couple...may help get out some of the root issues so that they can begin to be worked on and healed.  I hope that you will know that you are beautiful....no matter what weight you are....it's not about a number, it's about the heart.

What a beautiful reply .  I hope that you will take Christina's reply to heart . Marriage today is so easy to get out of . You need to ask yourself some really heart wrenching questions . What was your commitment to him ? What is his commitment to you ? Do you want this ? But your decision has to be one where you can grow . Divorce is easy . Marriage is the hard one ...  I would suggest , in my honest opinion to go to him , tell him how this makes you feel , and that you are contimplating leaving . Ask him how serious he is in his part of fixing your marriage and doing better as treating you as a human being and not some door stop .  If you want this to work , you need to try ... if you both agree to part .. well that is your decision . I just hope that you two work things out and he comes to his senses ...  Best wishes to you ,  Natalie

All I can say is that no one has the right to treat their spouse like this. It makes me so angry when I hear how some people theat the people they once vowed to love for richer or poorer, in sickness  (an obesity is certainly a sickness) and in health, til death do us part. Obviouly if he meant his vows then he has forgotten them now. I will be praying for both you and your husband. My wife and I do not believe in divorce, but that is just our view. I hope the best for you.  God bless.

I agree that no one should be treated this way.  You are aware that you have weight problems and sounds to me like you are doing things to work on it.  Weight loss is hard wether you have surgery or some other option to accompli****  We all make mistakes and don't always follow our plans.  But it is definitely something we must do for ourselves, not for anyone else.  Counseling for yourself is a great idea.  If you can get him to go along to work on things together that is great.  If you are both committed to working on things you may have a chance.  Here are a few things to think about.  How successful can you be with all of that negativity?  You have a child or children who are at great genetic risks for weight problems.  What will he say or do to affect those children and their success, self esteem, etc?  You have to decide what is best for you and for them.  If you are a religious person then you know you are not alone and that if you seek then answers they will come.  We are all here for you too.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Well BK...you've certainly gotten a mixed bag of responses on this issue.  Personally, I've held back my response because I wasn't quite sure how I felt about your situation...I needed time to think. My knee-jerk response was dump the bum!!!  What an egotistical, arrogant ass to take on like that with you.  He's shown you absolutely NO respect whatsoever, not to mention failing as a role model for your child.  His insensitivity is gauling, given the fact that he struggled too.  Makes me wanna just SMACK HIM!!! Now...with that said...& since you asked for advice...YOU should go for some personal counseling.  You sound very vulnerable right now & I believe it would be helpful for you to hear from an outsider, someone who's not invested in you or him, that can be objective rather than emotional, that YOU are on the right track.  When someone is verbally abused like that, their self esteem gets flushed right down the toilet & before long you find yourself second guessing all the time. The dude has issues that superceed your relationship with him.  You could suggest that he go for counseling as well, but given his arrogance, he will most assuredly refuse because HE'S ok...everyone else around him isn't. And oh, by the way...according to my calculator, 450 minus 150 still leaves 300 so he ain't there yet unless he's about 7 feet tall!!   I hope you will continue to come here for support on your journey to better health.  That means MENTAL health as well.  Sometimes getting validation for what you already know to be right can be very empowering.

Well, my knee-jerk reaction was that Michael, Joe Green, and I should take him out back and kick his azz.  Then I realized that I was not being fair.  So, now I think that all of us should take him out back and kick his azz. God bless you, BKR Joe Bear