Do you recognize danger? Do you stand on the guard rail?
*Disclaimer - Course, if you know me any, you know - this will be long. :} It is what it is.
Something that I knew would be important to me on the way down the scale and living a balanced life at maintenance is recognizing the areas that are dangerous for me.
Guard rails are put BETWEEN you and danger on the road. If the point is to be SAFE, its much better to crash head on into the guard rail, than into the ravine, down the mountain, et cetera.
When life is good and everything is fine - I need to be on guard that I do not think since everything feels fine and normal that I can think I can just cruise through and do what I please and make excuses for why I *should* do what I please. That is dangerous *for me* and equals dancing on the slippery slope in saran wrap shoes.
But life puts the squeeze on you sometimes. Some days more than others. And you know, its not personal, its just life. Trouble IS going to come, its not IF, its WHEN. And again, its not personal, its just life.
I just got home from a lovely vacation in Hawaii that my husband's parents paid for (by way of inheritance) and handsome face left from Hawaii and went on his boyhood dream vacation of going to New Zealand and packing, and paddling and hiking on glaciers and all sorts of sporty adventure things. He will not come home until the 28th and I will be glad to see his face.
Danger zone warning - in times past, presurgery - his being gone was my time to eat whatever, whenever, how ever much, play too hard, let things pile up, et cetera. Huge emphasis on FUN IN EXCESS.
Danger zone warning - I love that man. When he is going away, I get lonely for him before he even leaves. Its silly, but its true. NOW - that being said, I DO enjoy being able to watch marathon House and Dr. G and surgery shows! But I do miss my handsomeface husfriend. SPECIFIC DANGER HERE?.. A bit of lonely.
Danger - my birthday will be before he comes home. Will I spend my birthday "alone?" Only if I choose to, because I have friends who are glad to birthday fun it up with me. But there is still danger in regards to being alone and past behaviors, and being alone on a birthday when if I am being neurotic, I can start to weave tales about - well - you know..whatever neurotic tales I can come up with. Which, honey.. I got mad skillz. :}
So all of these things add a bit of danger to my practice of being moderate. But you know, hey, I can do this thing!
LIFE SQUEEZE.. Emailed my mama, told her I was home. She emails back and makes a snide comment (purposeful or not, I do not know, but there it was) about something that I realize, she is going to keep poking at, and my new practice is
ASKING FOR WHAT I NEED OR DO NOT NEED.
So, I asked her to consider her comment, that she would consider who she makes comments like that to (because she would NOT have made comments to a friend of the same ilk as I, of that nature), and could we have a truce on that particular subject.
And the return email was chilly, further emailed turned into a railing on me, character traits of mine, et cetera. Little history about my beloved mama.
If you do not show deference to the queen, she has no further need for you. You are cut off. Unnecessary. Out of the pool. The end.
And as it turns out, I am assuming we will be estranged again (because, this is not the first time) until I decide enough is enough and apologize (even if its not sincere - which ya know, I just will not do anymore, so its not going to happen) so she can tell me "lets never hurt each other again" which means.. "lets you not disagree with me again" which I dunno, but seems to me in healthy relationships, there's room for disagreement.
so...
Dangerish, dangerish, BIG FAT LIFE SQUEEZE, SCREAMING DANGER!!
So, thankfully - my journey thus far I have worked on my head, on the focus of what is TRUE versus what I FEEL, and in the middle of FEELING bingey, blue, hopeless, helpless, worthless, sad, reminding myself what is true, and especially with the feeling bingey (whether its a food binge, a spending binge, a drinking binge, a house cleaning binge - no wait.. that has not ever happened so far :}, an exercise binge)
ASKING MYSELF WHAT I REALLY WANT!!
You know what it is?
Its to be happy, healthy, and whole. To do minimal damage to myself and others on my worst days (which you know, some days are better than others) and not revert back to the person I was, whose worth, whose feelings about herself, whose actions were all reactions to how others told me I should feel, my worth, or even worse yet, my reactions to what I THOUGHT they felt about me.
All this mental crap you hear me talk about, or maybe get glassy eyed and skip me talking about (because I get it, I do not shut up about it, but its because maybe it really will be helpful to someone other than me) THAT IS MY GUARD RAIL.
Because people will not hold me in the esteem I might like all the time. There are times I would rather be careless and numb, than have to deal with me feeling ****ty, or culling all of the crap that I have gathered and used to use to flog myself with.
All this stuff, the way we think, the ways we act - those are habits, we created them. Maybe they started for a good and protective reason, but sometimes, to stay sane, to stay sober (and I do not just mean booze drunk), to stay upright - we need to do the hard work of changing our habits.
Because truth - maybe some folks could make themselves feel better by saying "but I weigh X pounds, but I wear X size, but I garner attention from everyone, LOOK AT MY TINY ASS" but for the things that weigh heavy on my heart - the external is not going to fix.
BUT (big hairy but!!) I have to tell you, from right here, right now? Knowing the truth about me, the WHO of me, as opposed to buying what someone else is selling in a moment of frenzied frothy fury? Its pretty priceless.
And there is still danger, because I do not feel "numb" about or conflict - but I have to keep reminding myself that asking for courtesy is not wrong. I am not responsible for her over the top response to me, her response is her own, and even though I feel kind of ****ty in my heart because again I see the conditions of our relationship, I know that she is doing the best she can with what she has, just like I am, and what I CAN do - is be good to me.
Be moderate in my fun, be thoughtful in my feeding and exercising of me, do some things that are good for my soul and use words in my mind and outta my mouth to battle all those old "unworthy, unloveable, must submit, must obey, do not cause friction, all of those things do not equal good girl" thoughts that are doing their best to show up and swirl around, like they used to.
Staying on this side of the guard rail (treating me WELL, not indulgently, but WELL, in my thoughts, in my nurturing myself with food and with purposeful exercise) will keep me safe.
When I start to even begin to entertain all of those old self mutilating thoughts - that's me, dancing on the guard rail, skinny dipping on my period with sharks, skating on the slippery slope with saran wrap socks.
So.. just some blabbity thoughts from me. You might just need to glaze eyes, and pass on by, but maybe someone else could use a little bit of encouragement that you really are/can be different than before. You do not always have to be/do/feel the way the flow takes you.
New habits are not the easiest things to create, but its so much easier to create them before the squeeze comes.
Because baby, its coming. Its not "if" its WHEN.
Something that I knew would be important to me on the way down the scale and living a balanced life at maintenance is recognizing the areas that are dangerous for me.
Guard rails are put BETWEEN you and danger on the road. If the point is to be SAFE, its much better to crash head on into the guard rail, than into the ravine, down the mountain, et cetera.
When life is good and everything is fine - I need to be on guard that I do not think since everything feels fine and normal that I can think I can just cruise through and do what I please and make excuses for why I *should* do what I please. That is dangerous *for me* and equals dancing on the slippery slope in saran wrap shoes.
But life puts the squeeze on you sometimes. Some days more than others. And you know, its not personal, its just life. Trouble IS going to come, its not IF, its WHEN. And again, its not personal, its just life.
I just got home from a lovely vacation in Hawaii that my husband's parents paid for (by way of inheritance) and handsome face left from Hawaii and went on his boyhood dream vacation of going to New Zealand and packing, and paddling and hiking on glaciers and all sorts of sporty adventure things. He will not come home until the 28th and I will be glad to see his face.
Danger zone warning - in times past, presurgery - his being gone was my time to eat whatever, whenever, how ever much, play too hard, let things pile up, et cetera. Huge emphasis on FUN IN EXCESS.
Danger zone warning - I love that man. When he is going away, I get lonely for him before he even leaves. Its silly, but its true. NOW - that being said, I DO enjoy being able to watch marathon House and Dr. G and surgery shows! But I do miss my handsomeface husfriend. SPECIFIC DANGER HERE?.. A bit of lonely.
Danger - my birthday will be before he comes home. Will I spend my birthday "alone?" Only if I choose to, because I have friends who are glad to birthday fun it up with me. But there is still danger in regards to being alone and past behaviors, and being alone on a birthday when if I am being neurotic, I can start to weave tales about - well - you know..whatever neurotic tales I can come up with. Which, honey.. I got mad skillz. :}
So all of these things add a bit of danger to my practice of being moderate. But you know, hey, I can do this thing!
LIFE SQUEEZE.. Emailed my mama, told her I was home. She emails back and makes a snide comment (purposeful or not, I do not know, but there it was) about something that I realize, she is going to keep poking at, and my new practice is
ASKING FOR WHAT I NEED OR DO NOT NEED.
So, I asked her to consider her comment, that she would consider who she makes comments like that to (because she would NOT have made comments to a friend of the same ilk as I, of that nature), and could we have a truce on that particular subject.
And the return email was chilly, further emailed turned into a railing on me, character traits of mine, et cetera. Little history about my beloved mama.
If you do not show deference to the queen, she has no further need for you. You are cut off. Unnecessary. Out of the pool. The end.
And as it turns out, I am assuming we will be estranged again (because, this is not the first time) until I decide enough is enough and apologize (even if its not sincere - which ya know, I just will not do anymore, so its not going to happen) so she can tell me "lets never hurt each other again" which means.. "lets you not disagree with me again" which I dunno, but seems to me in healthy relationships, there's room for disagreement.
so...
Dangerish, dangerish, BIG FAT LIFE SQUEEZE, SCREAMING DANGER!!
So, thankfully - my journey thus far I have worked on my head, on the focus of what is TRUE versus what I FEEL, and in the middle of FEELING bingey, blue, hopeless, helpless, worthless, sad, reminding myself what is true, and especially with the feeling bingey (whether its a food binge, a spending binge, a drinking binge, a house cleaning binge - no wait.. that has not ever happened so far :}, an exercise binge)
ASKING MYSELF WHAT I REALLY WANT!!
You know what it is?
Its to be happy, healthy, and whole. To do minimal damage to myself and others on my worst days (which you know, some days are better than others) and not revert back to the person I was, whose worth, whose feelings about herself, whose actions were all reactions to how others told me I should feel, my worth, or even worse yet, my reactions to what I THOUGHT they felt about me.
All this mental crap you hear me talk about, or maybe get glassy eyed and skip me talking about (because I get it, I do not shut up about it, but its because maybe it really will be helpful to someone other than me) THAT IS MY GUARD RAIL.
Because people will not hold me in the esteem I might like all the time. There are times I would rather be careless and numb, than have to deal with me feeling ****ty, or culling all of the crap that I have gathered and used to use to flog myself with.
All this stuff, the way we think, the ways we act - those are habits, we created them. Maybe they started for a good and protective reason, but sometimes, to stay sane, to stay sober (and I do not just mean booze drunk), to stay upright - we need to do the hard work of changing our habits.
Because truth - maybe some folks could make themselves feel better by saying "but I weigh X pounds, but I wear X size, but I garner attention from everyone, LOOK AT MY TINY ASS" but for the things that weigh heavy on my heart - the external is not going to fix.
BUT (big hairy but!!) I have to tell you, from right here, right now? Knowing the truth about me, the WHO of me, as opposed to buying what someone else is selling in a moment of frenzied frothy fury? Its pretty priceless.
And there is still danger, because I do not feel "numb" about or conflict - but I have to keep reminding myself that asking for courtesy is not wrong. I am not responsible for her over the top response to me, her response is her own, and even though I feel kind of ****ty in my heart because again I see the conditions of our relationship, I know that she is doing the best she can with what she has, just like I am, and what I CAN do - is be good to me.
Be moderate in my fun, be thoughtful in my feeding and exercising of me, do some things that are good for my soul and use words in my mind and outta my mouth to battle all those old "unworthy, unloveable, must submit, must obey, do not cause friction, all of those things do not equal good girl" thoughts that are doing their best to show up and swirl around, like they used to.
Staying on this side of the guard rail (treating me WELL, not indulgently, but WELL, in my thoughts, in my nurturing myself with food and with purposeful exercise) will keep me safe.
When I start to even begin to entertain all of those old self mutilating thoughts - that's me, dancing on the guard rail, skinny dipping on my period with sharks, skating on the slippery slope with saran wrap socks.
So.. just some blabbity thoughts from me. You might just need to glaze eyes, and pass on by, but maybe someone else could use a little bit of encouragement that you really are/can be different than before. You do not always have to be/do/feel the way the flow takes you.
New habits are not the easiest things to create, but its so much easier to create them before the squeeze comes.
Because baby, its coming. Its not "if" its WHEN.
Well said! "As sparks fly up so are troubles to a man."
Sorry you have a difficult mother; I had one too, and it's a hard thing to get past.
Enjoy your husband's time away as much as you can -- the 28th is right around the corner.
Sorry you have a difficult mother; I had one too, and it's a hard thing to get past.
Enjoy your husband's time away as much as you can -- the 28th is right around the corner.
HW -- 255.8#; WW/pre-op lost 22.6#; CW -- 152.2#; GW 140#; 103.6# GONE FOREVER!
You know, she is a delight to everyone in the world who ever meets her. :} And she is mostly delightful (as are we all!) but you know.
You can know the same person, but know them differently. And mama's do not even have to put their fingers on your buttons it seems, they can just look at them! :}
I will enjoy it! I will play music too loud too early and it will please me! :}
You can know the same person, but know them differently. And mama's do not even have to put their fingers on your buttons it seems, they can just look at them! :}
I will enjoy it! I will play music too loud too early and it will please me! :}
I'm actually working with a life coach on this right now.... He says he's my big crazy maniac standing at the end of the Thelma and Louise cliff.. with a big red flag waving.... while he wears spandex and jumps up and down...
I can't say I avoid it. or recognize it.
I've pushed so many boundaries in the last few months...
I can't say I avoid it. or recognize it.
I've pushed so many boundaries in the last few months...
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
Ya, it was long but well worth reading. What can I say, mothers, right or wrong, are always "the Mother." I hope you realize that it is not you, it's her. Sometimes we have to keep those that are closest to us at a distance to breath free.
Anyway enjoy your time in the ways that you do when the cat is away.
Anyway enjoy your time in the ways that you do when the cat is away.
Phyllis
"Me agreeing with you doesn't preclude you from being a deviant."
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