what to do when u lose urself

At 23, I found myself in a 2.5 year relationship that just wasn't working.  I spent a year thinking about breaking it off.  I finally found the strength to do it and it was really really hard.  At the time of the breakup, I wasn't sure, I wavered, I thought I'd never find anybody, I felt lost in life, all that stuff.  But a few months after I did that, I looked back and knew it was absolutely the right decision for my future!  I actually wondered why I hadn't done it sooner!  It seemed like a no-brainer by then.  

So my advice is to move on.  Leave everything that is unhealthy in your life behind.  You've got so much life ahead of you to waste it on anything or anyone that doesn't love you for you and doesn't put you #1.  Find those around you who do love you and are supportive and lean on them for now.  It really really does get better.

About 6 months after I broke things off, I had dated some but wasn't overly serious about it.  And then BAM, I met someone that I clicked with and ended up marrying him.  Eight years later, we are happy, living a loving life together.  We've made it through thick and thin and he's my biggest supporter.  Whether it's weight loss surgery, being fat, being thin, money, housework, jobs, moving... he loves me through it all and puts me #1.  It's pretty awesome.

I wish you luck in finding yourself.  And don't worry if it takes you many years to do that.  I feel like I'm still discovering things about myself and probably will forever.  Don't be afraid to just be you.  But focus on the stuff that makes you happy & healthy!  

great advice & you're right. thanks :-)

You're only 23 and no kids? What's keeping you where you are? I know, fear of the unknown. Been there. Take a leap of faith - faith in yourself. No one will take care of you like you will. You'll always have yourself to rely on. Don't put your trust into a leaky vessel. That never works out. Your toxic relationship will NEVER get better. He won't change. Know why? Because people don't. You are what you are.

Move on down the road. 

wow. honest, quick, and to the point :-) yea im young with no strings attached. im not sure whats keeping me. i guess cause i am "comfortable". have a nice townhouse we rent together, a dog, and its easier to stay than it is to leave. he don't supply for me emotionally or physically. i'm not put number 1. everything is about him. like since i told him im having surgery, hes said 1. god thats so much money 2. this is gonna suck 3. when u have ur surgery im gonna eat just like you so i can lose weight too 4. im not coming to the hospital after your surgery cuz you'll be mean and doped up and 5. are you gonna leave me for a skinny rich man?..........so as you see, its all about HIM. i just know that if i stay ill always have someone. im scared of being alone. but if i leave, i have to move back in with my parents (EEK) and im scared i wont find anyone. my fear is being alone. and i thought i could change his negatives. but you're right, one thing ive learned is that you CANT change someone. i should move on. thanks for the advice

 i just know that if i stay ill always have someone.

You don't have anyone. You're all alone in a bad relationship. You can't get more alone than that. I've been there. 

You can not find peace outside of yourself. You can look for it there but you won't find it. 

So what if you have to move in with your parents until you get your **** together? Move, get it together, and move on. You'll take yourself with you wherever you go. No one will take better care of you than you will. GO!

true. ill find the courage somehow.

I totally get where you are coming from,I'm 26 single,no kids.I wanted to do this surgery last year but because of fear of the unknown i back away from it.Now i'm in a different place mentally and im ready to step foward.I know that it can be a scary thing to step out on your own but if you BF is not being supportive now chances are ,He is only going to get worst as the weight really start to fall off.This is your time right now while you are dealign with the whole surgery process to get stronger and realized that you can do it on your own...At the end of the day we only have ourselves to depend on.

so you can relate to me. you're right. he's not supportive now, so chances are, he wont ever be, and if anything, he'll only get worse as i get thinner. i need to learn how to stand on my own 2 feet. i used to be VERY independent. and self aware. and he took that from me. now i have to find it again and leave.

a quote that pretty much sums it up...   " If it is to be, it is up to me"   I truly believe happiness/unhappiness is something we choose along with most of what life hands us, it all comes from choices we make. 

I wish I had this outlook/knowledge when I was 23!!!

"It's ever so much more satisfying to get into a blissful place and attract a blissful person and live blissfully hereafter than to be in a negative place and attract a negative partner and then try to get happy from that negative place." ~ Abraham / Hicks

Move back in with your parents, have your surgery, and start trying to figure out what your blissful place looks like.  This might take a while, but while you're figuring it out, start taking small steps toward being purposeful and happy.  Research career paths and schools; research companies you could work for; research cities you'd like to live in; etc. 

When you look for a job, try to find one with affordable insurance that covers counseling.  Counselors help you to find your blissful place -- it's nice to have someone who specializes in that on your team. 

I wish that I had started this process when I was 23.  You have a head-start on the rest of the world.

... and no matter what, DITCH THAT ASSHOLE -- leave him a note that you don't need to leave him for a skinny rich man, you're leaving him for you, and don't look back.

Namaste,
Jami