ugh what to do what to do?!
this may be long......
and i would like to hear some guys' advice....
so i know i posted a few weeks ago about my fiance and i got some good replies. if you didnt read it, basically i said that hes not being supportive of my WLS decision etc and ya'll's response was to "leave his ass"
well he came around....for awhile. he was being supportive and his whole attitude changed and he was spending more time with me etc
BUT...now he's back to him old self. i just dont know what to do! i love him. we're engaged. we live together, have a dog together, pay bills together. he got out of the military because he wanted to start a life with me. so i kinda feel obligated to him.
but every day that my surgery gets closer, he has more of an attitude with me. every day he "jokes around with me" asking if ive found a OH boyfriend or a hot skinny guy. he says he knows im gonna leave him when i get skinny. he took off work monday so he can be at my surgery but hes making it sem like a pain in the ass. he says he wont get to sleep in even though he has the day off since we have to be the the hospital so early. and hes sayin after he sees my postop and im ok hes gonna go home so he can let the dog out (the dog stays by herslef 12-15 hours a day, since when does it matter?) and it just seems like everythings about HIM!
i got fired from my job a year ago and havent been able to find work, nor get unemployment. so he's been paying the bills. keep in mind, he gets 1200 dollars a month FREE from the government as long as he's in school. so thats takes care of the bills then there's some left over. but seems like every month around the time the bills are due he gets in a bad mood and is hateful to me. today, he got the light bill and called me saying you need to quit turning lights on and from now on we're leaving the AC on 78. i said damn it 120 degrees 12 hours a day here in SC, there's no way i can stand the house on almost 80 degrees, especially with my asthma. he says well YOU DONT PAY THE BILL so you don't understand. those words have come out of his mouth several times. you dont pay this you dont pay that. its not like he's scrapping around for money, or that we struggle. i do babysit 25 hours a week, pay my own personal bills, cook, buy groceries, do our laundery and dishes, and keep the house clean. am i being selfish?? or is he being an asshole? my parents argued about money my whole life and i dont wanna be in a relationship where its the same. i tried talking to him about it calmly and he got mad with me and went to bed without me. wouldnt even talk to me. he's really immature
then i have the ex bf. who i was with for over 3 years. he always complimented me, made me feel sexy, never brought up money in an argument, always wanted to be around me, and supported me in all of my decisions. he proposed to me a week after i met my current SO and i rejected his proposal cause i thought id found a great guy. i regret that night i told him no. when i have my surgery, i wish the ex could be there cause he comforts me. sometimes, i think about going back to him. but then like i said i feel obligated to the current SO....then i also think, maybe i need to be single and not worry about a relationship right now. maybe i should focus on getting my health back. idk. love does weird things to our minds.
lastly, my current SO is somewhat overweight. he's 5'6 and 230lbs. he should weigh 180. i found him much more attractive when he was smaller and in the military. but i still love him regardless of what he looks like. i got really sick, had to have my galbladder removed and was diagnosed with hashimotos disease and bad hypothyroidism, and i gained 90 pounds since i met him 2 years ago. maybe thats why things are differnt. maybe hes not attracted to me like he used to be...we rarely have sex (TMI).
Someone, anyone give me advice. what should i do. male opinions highly encouraged.
thanks :-)
and i would like to hear some guys' advice....
so i know i posted a few weeks ago about my fiance and i got some good replies. if you didnt read it, basically i said that hes not being supportive of my WLS decision etc and ya'll's response was to "leave his ass"
well he came around....for awhile. he was being supportive and his whole attitude changed and he was spending more time with me etc
BUT...now he's back to him old self. i just dont know what to do! i love him. we're engaged. we live together, have a dog together, pay bills together. he got out of the military because he wanted to start a life with me. so i kinda feel obligated to him.
but every day that my surgery gets closer, he has more of an attitude with me. every day he "jokes around with me" asking if ive found a OH boyfriend or a hot skinny guy. he says he knows im gonna leave him when i get skinny. he took off work monday so he can be at my surgery but hes making it sem like a pain in the ass. he says he wont get to sleep in even though he has the day off since we have to be the the hospital so early. and hes sayin after he sees my postop and im ok hes gonna go home so he can let the dog out (the dog stays by herslef 12-15 hours a day, since when does it matter?) and it just seems like everythings about HIM!
i got fired from my job a year ago and havent been able to find work, nor get unemployment. so he's been paying the bills. keep in mind, he gets 1200 dollars a month FREE from the government as long as he's in school. so thats takes care of the bills then there's some left over. but seems like every month around the time the bills are due he gets in a bad mood and is hateful to me. today, he got the light bill and called me saying you need to quit turning lights on and from now on we're leaving the AC on 78. i said damn it 120 degrees 12 hours a day here in SC, there's no way i can stand the house on almost 80 degrees, especially with my asthma. he says well YOU DONT PAY THE BILL so you don't understand. those words have come out of his mouth several times. you dont pay this you dont pay that. its not like he's scrapping around for money, or that we struggle. i do babysit 25 hours a week, pay my own personal bills, cook, buy groceries, do our laundery and dishes, and keep the house clean. am i being selfish?? or is he being an asshole? my parents argued about money my whole life and i dont wanna be in a relationship where its the same. i tried talking to him about it calmly and he got mad with me and went to bed without me. wouldnt even talk to me. he's really immature
then i have the ex bf. who i was with for over 3 years. he always complimented me, made me feel sexy, never brought up money in an argument, always wanted to be around me, and supported me in all of my decisions. he proposed to me a week after i met my current SO and i rejected his proposal cause i thought id found a great guy. i regret that night i told him no. when i have my surgery, i wish the ex could be there cause he comforts me. sometimes, i think about going back to him. but then like i said i feel obligated to the current SO....then i also think, maybe i need to be single and not worry about a relationship right now. maybe i should focus on getting my health back. idk. love does weird things to our minds.
lastly, my current SO is somewhat overweight. he's 5'6 and 230lbs. he should weigh 180. i found him much more attractive when he was smaller and in the military. but i still love him regardless of what he looks like. i got really sick, had to have my galbladder removed and was diagnosed with hashimotos disease and bad hypothyroidism, and i gained 90 pounds since i met him 2 years ago. maybe thats why things are differnt. maybe hes not attracted to me like he used to be...we rarely have sex (TMI).
Someone, anyone give me advice. what should i do. male opinions highly encouraged.
thanks :-)
starting weight: 341, goal weight: 150, 1st goal: 250, 2nd goal: 199, final goal: 150
Hey, I am no expert on relationships and am female and know you were looking for more of a male view, but I just have to say, PLEASE don't marry this guy for a long time. Get your sleeve and get your life together and then see how things are with you two. Someone that shows as little consideration as he does for you really doesn't sound like someone you want to have forever after with. You are Not obligated to him and don't let him make you feel that way. You are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you so don't rush into anything. Just my 2 cents worth but alarm bells are ringing loudly on this one. Take care of you!
One thing I've been thinking about recently is how important it is to NOT ignore the red flags when you are about to enter a marraige. If he is being that insecure now, what will he be like when you are at your goal weight? If he is like this about money now, what will he be like if the military pension stops or times get really rough? You can never change the core of a person so I would be thinking about that. If this is who he is as a person and you can deal with his worst as well as his best, then you'll be fine. If not, better to cut out now than to be doing it years later with kids and everything else.
I also wouldn't be thinking about your ex right now. Really think about what you want in your life. Your WLS is just a part of that.
To me, it sounds like you might already know what you should do.
I also wouldn't be thinking about your ex right now. Really think about what you want in your life. Your WLS is just a part of that.
To me, it sounds like you might already know what you should do.
yay a man responded! lol yea i think ive been making excuses for his actions way too long. and hoping when things get "better" he will change. but you're right...you cant change a person. things can and will get worse and if he cant handle it right now im just gonna be even more unhappy. its just so hard to leave. cuz leavin means moving back in w/ the parents and being alone, which is something i hate! thanks so much for your advice
starting weight: 341, goal weight: 150, 1st goal: 250, 2nd goal: 199, final goal: 150
I know I'm a woman, but this is my opinion; "When someone shows you WHO they are, you need to believe them!"
He is obviously insecure and projected his insecurities onto you. He is using "the bill paying" thing against because he knows it hurts you. Abusive and manipulative, much??? YES, it is.
No relationship should come with obligations.
HE CHOSE to leave the military. He chose that path, were you part of the equation, YES, but that is and was still his choice. You can not continue to put yourself through a bad relationship with toxic and manipulative traits just because you feel obligated. Nor, do I believe you should hop back to your ex. I think you need to be a "whole" person before going into any relationship.
If you are like most women, making love to your mind and emotions is much more a priority than slinging leg, just to sling leg. So regardless of how little you are having sex, do you really want to have sex with someone that treats in this manner? He doesn't sound like a nice guy that loves and cherishes you.
It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, and believe me, it's been seen on here, and in the WLS world that shaky relationships do NOT last after weight loss surgery. It's a statistic, and unfortunately, it's been proven time and after time around these parts.
At the end of the day, you deserve better, and when you can accept and trust that fact, then you will find happiness! Until then, you are going to be in an obligatory relationship without affection, and major issues.
Just my 2cents.
He is obviously insecure and projected his insecurities onto you. He is using "the bill paying" thing against because he knows it hurts you. Abusive and manipulative, much??? YES, it is.
No relationship should come with obligations.
HE CHOSE to leave the military. He chose that path, were you part of the equation, YES, but that is and was still his choice. You can not continue to put yourself through a bad relationship with toxic and manipulative traits just because you feel obligated. Nor, do I believe you should hop back to your ex. I think you need to be a "whole" person before going into any relationship.
If you are like most women, making love to your mind and emotions is much more a priority than slinging leg, just to sling leg. So regardless of how little you are having sex, do you really want to have sex with someone that treats in this manner? He doesn't sound like a nice guy that loves and cherishes you.
It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, and believe me, it's been seen on here, and in the WLS world that shaky relationships do NOT last after weight loss surgery. It's a statistic, and unfortunately, it's been proven time and after time around these parts.
At the end of the day, you deserve better, and when you can accept and trust that fact, then you will find happiness! Until then, you are going to be in an obligatory relationship without affection, and major issues.
Just my 2cents.
Band to VSG revision: June 3, 2009
SW 270lbs GW 150lbs CW Losing Pregancy Weight Maintenance goal W 125-130lbs
SW 270lbs GW 150lbs CW Losing Pregancy Weight Maintenance goal W 125-130lbs
I third! It is definitley insecurity. He is scared you are going to leave him when you lose all that weight and since he is being so mean maybe you should. I got married young with red flags and everything... don't do it! I'm 25 and got divorced in May..best thing I ever did for myself besides the sleeve! You probably put up with him because you feel obligated and also because maybe your settling because of your weight. I know it easier said then done but you will get to the point that you just are so sick of him and don't want to deal with him. He might come to terms with everything and change after the surgery but more likely he wont and you don't need that element in your life.
your advice is always very honest and great. yes i do deserve better. i guess always being the fat girl, ive always settled for second best. and when i lose weight, ill know i deserve better. you're right, if its shaky now, then when i lose weight, itll be even worse. you think his actions are manipulative? never thought that before but you're probably right. thanks!
starting weight: 341, goal weight: 150, 1st goal: 250, 2nd goal: 199, final goal: 150
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