off topic: breakdown (infertility related).

 sorry, but this is my "safe place" to vent to and just needed to get it out.  my husband and i (pre op obviously) had tried to have a baby for about 2 years (1 year with fertility treatments, iui's, etc...).  after a second dr. told me that if i lose weight and get healthier, it should assist in my fertility (it had been unexplained, meaning they couldn't find a reason for it).  that was my main reason for going through with this surgery.  to give us a chance for me to have a healthy pregnancy and be a healthy parent.  
i have only been concentrating on surgery lately so haven't been thinking about my grief over not having a child however today at christmas i saw my cousins wife who is 5 months pregnant.  my mom oohing and aaahing over her belly, and i started to have such high anxiety and all the "infertility craziness" feelings came back over me.  when you are trying to have a baby and can't it really feels like the world is turning against you, that everyone you see is pregnant, and that you have done something to not deserve this wonderful gift (at least that's how it feels to me).  i lost it in the car with my husband after leaving.  i forgot how it feels and although i know i can't get pregnant for a lonnng time to give me and the baby the best chance, how strong the maternal instinct is and how much i want to have that experience.  
i guess because i'm feeling "normal" now after the surgery i am now able to let those feeling back in again.  
i'm rambling, i know, but i appreciate anyone who took the time to read this.  it just sucks, because christmas is such an amazing holiday and all i see on facebook are pictures of kids opening their presents.  it's just hard to look at today.  

I'm sorry this happened . (hugs)

I am so sorry you are having a resurgence of sad emotion. I hope you remember what a great thing you've done to help you have a family. Give yourself the time to heal and prepare your body and soon enough you will be trying once again. Remember, too, there are many different kinds of families. My brother's children are both adopted and we love them just as dearly as if they were born into the family. I wish you strength and peace today and in the weeks and months to come. I have a feeling you're going to be a kick a** mom!

I know exactly how u feel. My husband and I went thru 6 years of "unexplained" infertility. There's nothing that I can say that will fill ur void, except that it will get better, you wil be stronger for it, and when you do have children, you will have the confidence to face the challenges they bring because you've already been through a rough season of life. Put in a funny movie, snuggle up with ur honey, and don't answer the phone for the rest of the day.

My heart goes out to you and your husband. You are working on a healthy you and with hope you will be mother in a few years.
It may be hard, but talk to your mother about the way you felt in her reaction to your cousin.

Hugs to you! I can't imagine the pain but I know God does answer prayers. Get yourself healthy and everything will work out!

I too suffered from infertility/miscarrages.. I had had 2 miscarrages and then found it impossible to get pregnant, then after going to infertility dr's getting on meds and invetro for 6 months I finally concieved my daughter, started to bleed 8 weeks into pregnancy and I remember praying to God to either let this baby live or take the acking out of my heart for a child, months later I delievered a healthy happy baby girl via c-section, when going back to trying for our second, this time was even harder, we had a year of shots, tests, invetro, pills etc and finally was able to concieve! Praise God! I tell you this to give you hope, to know that you are not alone and that there are people out there feeling/understanding what you are going threw. It was so hard for me after loosing my 2nd miscarage to go to a baby shower, so I know what your going threw hon, I have been there and I dont know if your a beleiver but give it to God, that was the only thing that got me threw all of it, the belief that God has a plan. I prayed to Him and tried to listen with my heart as to what He wanted of me.. God knows your pain and believe that what your doing is the for the best outcome for concieveing a little one of your own... Im here for you if you need to talk...

God, I know how hard it is. I go through that periodically myself. Right now, I am not around any kids for the holiday so I think I am OK this year. I try to think of the surgery and the whole weight loss process as part of the attempt to conceive so that I don't feel so much like I am doing nothing. It is important to be as healthy as possible for your future babies so just focus on that and think of it as a gift to them. I hope this helps and you feel better about the holidays.

Hugs to you!! I understand what your going through completely!! My mother had four miscarriages but she had my older brother and then me. The doctors told her to abort me becaue I would probably kill her. She took her Bible and prayed for me. Needless to say I was born. My entire life I too thought I would never have children. My DH tired for about two years without success. I went to infertility specialists too. I couldn't stand watching young mothers with babies, or watching anyone else with babies because it hurt sooooo much.

At the time of all my attempts to get preggo I was around 280. Then my PCP told me to join weigh****chers not to get pregnant but to get healthy. Well it took me over a year and a half but in dropped over ninety lbs. throughout that entire weight lose I never got my period and I just gave up on the whole giving birth thing. Well...... One morning I was brushing my teeth and got dizzy and nauseous Same thing happened when I went to put PB on a bagel. When I told my male coworker he was like your pregnant!! My immediate response was no f***ing way! Well long story short he was right. I had my beautiful baby girl 8 months later. 8 months of living in fear of miscarriages, 8 months of taking blood thinners by needles cuz I had a blood clot in my lung from birth control (to help control my PCOS and terrible periods) a horrible c section and emergency surgery two days later due to pooled blood in my tummy.

It was ALL worth it. My years of misery thinking I could never have kids, the bad birth. Loosing weight was a major part of my ability to conceieve. So my advice to you and trust me I know how hard it is..... Concentrate on getting your body ready and when it's time it will happen without you even thinking or stressing about it. Private message me if you ever need someone to listen too. I've been there and I understand.

Oh and please don't do what I did during and after pregnancy. I was so happy to get preggo I celebrated with food. And put those 90lbs and then some on!! Don't make the same mistake I did

 Glad we can be your safe place.  You needed a good cry because wanting a child and not having one is a terrible grief.   Focus on being healthy and taking care of your hubby.   In the right time -- there are so many children who need parents like you -- it will happen.