Loose skin rant and take me for what I am, buster :)
bunnymom
on 5/18/12 5:05 am
on 5/18/12 5:05 am
OK, going to play devil's advocate here--not because I do not agree with the above posters, but just because I like trying to arbitrate problems. Your guy IS talking--imagine if he felt resentment but never said a word about it. It would fester and fester in his brain and you would never know, maybe for months and months. If he is at least verbalizing this stuff to you, you can maybe have an open, 2-sided conversation about it. Maybe approach him with: OK, we got to talk and come up with a solution. What should we do about it? Do you think I should have plastic surgery? Will you lose these negative feelings if I have plastic surgery, or will you then obsess about some scar tissue? Are you willing to help me pay for some of the plastic surgery? Are you ever going to quit focusing on my negtive physical attributes? What is it you want from me? Well, I would lay it all out--but be prepared to hear some answers you may not like and may actually help you make up your mind to push him out the door. One of my skinny friends was married to a homicide cop in Portland, Oregon. He would always tell her if she got fat he would divorce her, would never take care of her if she was gross and ill--whatever. He could not understand how she and I could be best friends because I had "big thighs" and was fat. You get the picture. Well, they finally got divorced because he bedded down every person on the street he could find. And guess what happened?--he came down with multiple sclerosis and was facing a future of disfigurement and nursing care. Karma. I guess what comes around goes around. Good luck whatever you do--I am sorry this causes you so much turmoil--everyone is right, you are a warrior and she be praised, admired,and congratulated.
Bunnymom 
I've been dating the man of my dreams for eight months now and I met him at my heaviest (307). He is just happy to have someone that loves him. His ex only wanted him around for the money he could provide. When he retired she said she didn't want him around. I should call her and thank her. He's 56, I'm 54. You're bf needs to know how this makes you feel. God forbid you were in a car accident and your face was disfigured, or how would you feel if that happened to him. True love sees beyond those issues.
Aw, thanks, you guys. :) Sorry, I posted this morning then have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day. I will have to come back to all your responses and read them carefully and thoughtfully.
Briefly...the pros and cons list is a great idea. With this guy, there are a lot of pros and a handful of "rather bothersome / not bothersome cons." I am having a hard time quantifying his "being bugged by my loose skin," as I said earlier. There are no mean comments, no jokes at my expense, no snide remarks or yucky observations. Nothing blatantly hurtful.
What there has been (and I don't know if this makes it sound better or worse, haha):
- Shortly after we started dating, before I told him about WLS, but after he had seen me naked, he asked me if he could ask me about the loose skin. I told him I had lost a lot of weight. (I, myself, was not ready or willing to discuss WLS at that time.) He asked if it was from losing it too quickly, or because I had lost so much? I was vague. I suppose I could have been more direct or forthcoming about surgery, but I was not ready/willing. I asked him if it bothered him. He said, "Yeah, a little."
- Sometime later, we were together when we ran into someone I hadn't seen in awhile, and she really fussed about not being able to recognize me, how great I looked, how I've shrunk so much, etc. Sigh. That night I told him about WLS. He had questions, some of which made me uncomfortable but none of which were inappropriate. He asked about it being permanent, about my little meals, etc etc. I *knew* he wanted to ask how much I had lost, but he did not. I knew
(Hmm, maybe I told him about WLS before he asked about the loose skin. That actually seems right. Whatever - it went something like this.)
- This week, he asked me point blank how much weight I've lost. I had not told him this because I didn't want to plant the image of 263 pound me in his head. I answered him straight out. His comments were not mean or rude, but they certainly weren't the cheerleading I'm used to ;). He said, "That's a lot of weight on a 5'3" person," "How did you gain that much weight?" "I can see how that kind of weight gain would have an impact on a marriage." I asked him if he wanted to see my one-year collage and he said yes. He said things like, "That's a big success, you should be proud," "What an amazing difference." "You look so much better." He didn't say anything wrong, it was just clearly something he was mulling over. I did not get any sense that he found me more attractive because of how far I'd come, haha.
So. He's not exactly verbally abusing me, as you can see. I am *very* sensitive about this issue when it comes to dating. He is not the first person, and I have been just as secretive and defensive. This is a weakness on my part, because I am totally open about it in almost any situation. But when I have dated post weight loss, I am very close-mouthed about it. To my detriment, I think.
I was upset about our conversation earlier this week. He was certainly not cruel or mean, he has never criticized my body or how I look, etc. He just doesn't love it the way I want him to. :) And honestly, I am used to cheering myself on so hard w/ this weight loss, and all the love and support of my family and friends, and all the support here and on my blog, I'M NOT USED TO PEOPLE NOT THROWING CONFETTI ABOUT THIS ISSUE WHEREVER I GO. :) :) And he's the one I most want to be crazy about me and my body.
So it was me that changed things like the longer sleeves, the silky nighties, etc. Not something he asked, suggested or teased or tormented me into. I have a hard time knowing how to attribute how much is my own neurosis about the loose skin (which is considerable, haha) and how much is him just not giving me what I need in terms of openess or comfortability in talking about it or accepting it? There is a vibe I'm picking up on - I will say that for sure. When I said he didn't like that I was fat before, that was based on when he saw my pictures, there was no "you were beautiful then and you are more beautiful now," sort of thing. Just a quiet contemplation, I guess.
The flip side is that if the tables were reversed, I don't know how I'd feel. I like to think if it was the right guy, I'd be fine w/ the loose skin. But we've only been seeing each other not even three months - it's not the Great American Love Story, it's two divorced parents dating and getting used to a new relationship (this is both our first post-divorce relationships). I don't really think we're at the point where he needs to love me unconditionally even w/ the loose skin, etc. It's pretty new. I just wish there were more warmth, a more accepting vibe, SOMETHING. Something is making me feel self-conscious. As you can see, it's not *exactly* his words or actions doing it. When I look back at the specifics, I am a bit boggled, thinking, "so what is exactly bugging me?" Believe me when I say a lot of this *is* projecting my own loose-skin hatred and thinking "WHAT MUST HE THINK OF THIS" - he's just not providing any reassurance to the contrary.*
(*except that we have a wonderfully super-awesome sex life and it is hot, hot, hot - so he can't be that unattracted to me, haha)
Ah well, thank you again. I'll re-read and keep thinking. Sure do appreciate your input.
Briefly...the pros and cons list is a great idea. With this guy, there are a lot of pros and a handful of "rather bothersome / not bothersome cons." I am having a hard time quantifying his "being bugged by my loose skin," as I said earlier. There are no mean comments, no jokes at my expense, no snide remarks or yucky observations. Nothing blatantly hurtful.
What there has been (and I don't know if this makes it sound better or worse, haha):
- Shortly after we started dating, before I told him about WLS, but after he had seen me naked, he asked me if he could ask me about the loose skin. I told him I had lost a lot of weight. (I, myself, was not ready or willing to discuss WLS at that time.) He asked if it was from losing it too quickly, or because I had lost so much? I was vague. I suppose I could have been more direct or forthcoming about surgery, but I was not ready/willing. I asked him if it bothered him. He said, "Yeah, a little."
- Sometime later, we were together when we ran into someone I hadn't seen in awhile, and she really fussed about not being able to recognize me, how great I looked, how I've shrunk so much, etc. Sigh. That night I told him about WLS. He had questions, some of which made me uncomfortable but none of which were inappropriate. He asked about it being permanent, about my little meals, etc etc. I *knew* he wanted to ask how much I had lost, but he did not. I knew
(Hmm, maybe I told him about WLS before he asked about the loose skin. That actually seems right. Whatever - it went something like this.)
- This week, he asked me point blank how much weight I've lost. I had not told him this because I didn't want to plant the image of 263 pound me in his head. I answered him straight out. His comments were not mean or rude, but they certainly weren't the cheerleading I'm used to ;). He said, "That's a lot of weight on a 5'3" person," "How did you gain that much weight?" "I can see how that kind of weight gain would have an impact on a marriage." I asked him if he wanted to see my one-year collage and he said yes. He said things like, "That's a big success, you should be proud," "What an amazing difference." "You look so much better." He didn't say anything wrong, it was just clearly something he was mulling over. I did not get any sense that he found me more attractive because of how far I'd come, haha.
So. He's not exactly verbally abusing me, as you can see. I am *very* sensitive about this issue when it comes to dating. He is not the first person, and I have been just as secretive and defensive. This is a weakness on my part, because I am totally open about it in almost any situation. But when I have dated post weight loss, I am very close-mouthed about it. To my detriment, I think.
I was upset about our conversation earlier this week. He was certainly not cruel or mean, he has never criticized my body or how I look, etc. He just doesn't love it the way I want him to. :) And honestly, I am used to cheering myself on so hard w/ this weight loss, and all the love and support of my family and friends, and all the support here and on my blog, I'M NOT USED TO PEOPLE NOT THROWING CONFETTI ABOUT THIS ISSUE WHEREVER I GO. :) :) And he's the one I most want to be crazy about me and my body.
So it was me that changed things like the longer sleeves, the silky nighties, etc. Not something he asked, suggested or teased or tormented me into. I have a hard time knowing how to attribute how much is my own neurosis about the loose skin (which is considerable, haha) and how much is him just not giving me what I need in terms of openess or comfortability in talking about it or accepting it? There is a vibe I'm picking up on - I will say that for sure. When I said he didn't like that I was fat before, that was based on when he saw my pictures, there was no "you were beautiful then and you are more beautiful now," sort of thing. Just a quiet contemplation, I guess.
The flip side is that if the tables were reversed, I don't know how I'd feel. I like to think if it was the right guy, I'd be fine w/ the loose skin. But we've only been seeing each other not even three months - it's not the Great American Love Story, it's two divorced parents dating and getting used to a new relationship (this is both our first post-divorce relationships). I don't really think we're at the point where he needs to love me unconditionally even w/ the loose skin, etc. It's pretty new. I just wish there were more warmth, a more accepting vibe, SOMETHING. Something is making me feel self-conscious. As you can see, it's not *exactly* his words or actions doing it. When I look back at the specifics, I am a bit boggled, thinking, "so what is exactly bugging me?" Believe me when I say a lot of this *is* projecting my own loose-skin hatred and thinking "WHAT MUST HE THINK OF THIS" - he's just not providing any reassurance to the contrary.*
(*except that we have a wonderfully super-awesome sex life and it is hot, hot, hot - so he can't be that unattracted to me, haha)
Ah well, thank you again. I'll re-read and keep thinking. Sure do appreciate your input.
Julie, 5' 3", age 42. Starting weight: 263, Surgery weight: 255
Blogging at www.freejulie.blogspot.com
Blogging at www.freejulie.blogspot.com
It doesn't sound bad at all. I think he reacted ok to it. It doesn't seem like he's used to dating heavy women so skin and weight is new to him but he seems accepting. I'm scared of that actually. When I'm big, the guy knows what they're getting. They can see that I'm big. When I'm thin, they aren't going to know that I have a giant saggy skin surprise hiding underneath it all! It makes me have anxiety!
I really don't think he did a bad job. Not everyone is going to throw confetti throughout our journey... but if you think you need a cheerleader, that's what you should have. It's your ride baby! Make it a good one!
I really don't think he did a bad job. Not everyone is going to throw confetti throughout our journey... but if you think you need a cheerleader, that's what you should have. It's your ride baby! Make it a good one!
HW 380.8+ SW- 371.4 CW- 234.4 GW- 200 
I'm having a different reaction to this than Hwag is.. To me, it *seems* you are aware the vibe is off with this guy, and I kinda get that you may understand where it's coming from with him.. I'd remain guarded with this one, and keep your eyes open for someone more accepting and adoring, he.. doesn't seem to be that kinda guy.
A person doesn't have to be blatant to make it known that they don't like/approve/accept something.. We (or at least) I pick up very easily on body language and tone.. If your guts are reacting, trust yourself. You deserve someone who accepts you and understands your body, in whatever condition it happens to be in that day/year/decade- is just that, your body, imperfect as much as theirs is or will be in it's own ways..
A person doesn't have to be blatant to make it known that they don't like/approve/accept something.. We (or at least) I pick up very easily on body language and tone.. If your guts are reacting, trust yourself. You deserve someone who accepts you and understands your body, in whatever condition it happens to be in that day/year/decade- is just that, your body, imperfect as much as theirs is or will be in it's own ways..
congratulations for getting so close to your goal! we started around the same weight (pre op i was 280, surgery was 264) and i'm 5'2 so I would like to get down to 135-145 (although i'd gladly take 160 since I haven't seen that number in over 20 years). i can't imagine how hard it is dating after surgery. my husband hasn't ever known me at this weight so i too, am venturing into the unknown.
you did the surgery to become a better you. which you are. and whoever you date should appreciate and respect that. maybe give it a bit longer to see if he loosens up a bit? 3 months isn't THAT long, but if he keeps up with the comments, then whack him in the head with your loose skin. :) i know mine would certainly injure someone.
you did the surgery to become a better you. which you are. and whoever you date should appreciate and respect that. maybe give it a bit longer to see if he loosens up a bit? 3 months isn't THAT long, but if he keeps up with the comments, then whack him in the head with your loose skin. :) i know mine would certainly injure someone.
Jessica 
Surgery Date 9/29/11 Dr. Ian Soriano Temple University Hospital, Philadelphia, PA HW: 287 / Pre-Op: 280 / SW: 263.4 / CW: 161.6 GW: 145
Sounds like he might have been taken aback by the news of the surgery since you hadn't mentioned it before. I would just be honest with him about your concerns. He might think he reacted well. (I am not usually the one to give a man the benefit of the doubt!) I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror, so I can't fathom how any one else would be able to! Can you tell I haven't had a boyfriend in 10 years? LOL I think you have to be comfortable with yourself first. Sounds like you are not quite ready to boot him out the door over this...
Dump him... you dont need someone like that. I dont care what his other qualities are he is an jerk and he is bringing you down. Some men like to make women feel insecure and self conscious to keep them under their control. He should never say anything about the skin or the fact that you use to be morbidly obese. And even if he did say something once why is he commenting more... what is the point? You deserve someone who accepts and loves you for you. We all get wrinkles, gray hair, etc... nobody is perfect. This kind of guy will keep you down even after you have plastic surgery he will find something else to pick on you about. You deserve better. Good luck.......
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