A lot to think about...
So, I am still pre-op. My surgeon is thinking August will be my surgery, but I don't have a date yet. I have to finish a couple more things, I still have to do a nutrition class tomorrow and then I have a 4 week workshop in July (which I'm looking forward to).
So I've been reading and reading and reading everything I can get my hands on about VSG. I also have been watching YouTube videos like a complusive crazy person. In terms of my behaviors, I have pretty much cut pepsi out completely (which is a huge deal for me), although I still always want one when I'm at my parents house, but I do a LOT of bad eating there. I still have to have a morning coffee, but coffee has honestly saved me from the pepsi habit, so I'm okay with that for now.
Anyway, so the real thing that is upsetting me is that up until last night, I pretty much was feeling just mostly excited about the surgery and the way my life will change. Then I watched one of kellawanda's videos about her food addiction and I just started bawling. Ironically, my first thought was to make chocolate chip cookies to make myself feel better, but I told myself no, and I took a shower and just cried, I thought about what food does for me and why I eat it. I totally had this lightbulb moment where I said to myself "food is love".
Starting in Elementary school, I was picked on, for having glasses and then for being overweight. It was horrible, I hated being at school. When I came home, my mom always had some yummy dinner and we would eat as a family. It was SO comforting to me, I loved the smells and how loved I felt sitting at the table with my family, it was an escape from the awful feelings I had about being at school. Over the years I think I've tried to replicate that feeling by eating. Food equals love for me. If I had a bad day at work, I would stop at the store and get something bad to binge on for the ride home, and the thing is I WOULD feel better, I would forget the frustration and pain at least for a few moments. Food has been my best friend and worst enemy for over 25 years. I think I'm actually starting to realize that I have to mourn it. I have to let go of this relationship. It's almost like getting rid of a boyfriend that's kind of a d-bag. You loved him and he got you through a lot of hard times, but now you need to let him go and even though he was a jerk you're still going to miss that son of a B.
I have mixed emotions. I am excited about the potential life ahead of me. I look forward to waking up and having my feet hit the floor without the pain in my joints that I have now. I look forward to sitting indian style on the floor with my kid without having to lose my circulation after 2 minutes. I look forward to running in the yard and chasing my son, without telling him "Mommy needs to sit down for a little bit". I look forward to exercising without it being a huge painful process from start to finish, I look forward to getting pregnant again, and most of all I look forward to losing the fear that this weight is going to cause me an early death, and gaining a real life again. I'm scared though. I'm scared that I'm not equipped to fully change, I'm afraid that even though I can have willpower and strength for a short time, that my weaknesses will show up again and overtake me as they have so many times in the past. I'm also scared that my relationship with my husband will become a problem. I am getting surgery and he is not. I am afraid that if he can't change while I am that I will resent him. I'm scared of complications during surgery, and the potential for leaks, I'm scared that there isn't enough research on the surgery yet and that because of that, I could have problems down the road. I'm scared of telling some of my family and friends (the close ones know), I'm wondering what they will think and I'm worried they won't understand. Ugh. I don't know. Just so much going through my head right now.
Anyway, if you got through all of this, thank you. I needed to get it off of my chest. Please, if you have any advice or words of encouragement, or anything else, feel free to share, I would really appreciate it. Thanks.
So I've been reading and reading and reading everything I can get my hands on about VSG. I also have been watching YouTube videos like a complusive crazy person. In terms of my behaviors, I have pretty much cut pepsi out completely (which is a huge deal for me), although I still always want one when I'm at my parents house, but I do a LOT of bad eating there. I still have to have a morning coffee, but coffee has honestly saved me from the pepsi habit, so I'm okay with that for now.
Anyway, so the real thing that is upsetting me is that up until last night, I pretty much was feeling just mostly excited about the surgery and the way my life will change. Then I watched one of kellawanda's videos about her food addiction and I just started bawling. Ironically, my first thought was to make chocolate chip cookies to make myself feel better, but I told myself no, and I took a shower and just cried, I thought about what food does for me and why I eat it. I totally had this lightbulb moment where I said to myself "food is love".
Starting in Elementary school, I was picked on, for having glasses and then for being overweight. It was horrible, I hated being at school. When I came home, my mom always had some yummy dinner and we would eat as a family. It was SO comforting to me, I loved the smells and how loved I felt sitting at the table with my family, it was an escape from the awful feelings I had about being at school. Over the years I think I've tried to replicate that feeling by eating. Food equals love for me. If I had a bad day at work, I would stop at the store and get something bad to binge on for the ride home, and the thing is I WOULD feel better, I would forget the frustration and pain at least for a few moments. Food has been my best friend and worst enemy for over 25 years. I think I'm actually starting to realize that I have to mourn it. I have to let go of this relationship. It's almost like getting rid of a boyfriend that's kind of a d-bag. You loved him and he got you through a lot of hard times, but now you need to let him go and even though he was a jerk you're still going to miss that son of a B.
I have mixed emotions. I am excited about the potential life ahead of me. I look forward to waking up and having my feet hit the floor without the pain in my joints that I have now. I look forward to sitting indian style on the floor with my kid without having to lose my circulation after 2 minutes. I look forward to running in the yard and chasing my son, without telling him "Mommy needs to sit down for a little bit". I look forward to exercising without it being a huge painful process from start to finish, I look forward to getting pregnant again, and most of all I look forward to losing the fear that this weight is going to cause me an early death, and gaining a real life again. I'm scared though. I'm scared that I'm not equipped to fully change, I'm afraid that even though I can have willpower and strength for a short time, that my weaknesses will show up again and overtake me as they have so many times in the past. I'm also scared that my relationship with my husband will become a problem. I am getting surgery and he is not. I am afraid that if he can't change while I am that I will resent him. I'm scared of complications during surgery, and the potential for leaks, I'm scared that there isn't enough research on the surgery yet and that because of that, I could have problems down the road. I'm scared of telling some of my family and friends (the close ones know), I'm wondering what they will think and I'm worried they won't understand. Ugh. I don't know. Just so much going through my head right now.
Anyway, if you got through all of this, thank you. I needed to get it off of my chest. Please, if you have any advice or words of encouragement, or anything else, feel free to share, I would really appreciate it. Thanks.
Sometimes you just have to have faith in yourself and the man upstairs that your doing the right thing and everything will be ok. I would recommend counseling. I'm doing it once a week. Its stomach surgery not brain surgery. Like you mentioned, there are lots of things going through our minds and our relationship with food. If you dont take care of those feelings, your chance to one day regain the weight is pretty high. I don't want that to be me. I saw on TV this morning a guy that weighed 650 lbs. He lost 400 lbs and looked great. Today he has gained back 300 or more of the lbs he lost. What a shame.
Thanks and good luck to you. I'm starting to think therapy might be the way to go for me too. I found out with the psych eval that I don't even have a copay for therapy appointments, so I really don't have any obstacles in my way preventing me from doing that. I think I will ask for a recommendation when I go tomorrow.
(deactivated member)
on 6/6/12 12:14 am, edited 6/6/12 12:14 am
on 6/6/12 12:14 am, edited 6/6/12 12:14 am
Congratulations on being aware of how you use food. That is a big step. Don't be too suprised if you become aware of other things you use food to medicate for. Food as love was certainly the start for me. I also have dated food and used food to stuff down my anger.
Your concerns are legitamite. The sleeve is a tool, not a cure. Coquering your head is the toughest part.
You may experience complications, but most of us don't. You will certainly see relationship changes with your spouse, though the end result may be positive. I never thought much about my husband's weight but now I see that he needs to lose at least 30 pounds. And he still wants to eat out a lot which is a challenge.
I say just do it. Buy a ticket, take the ride. It may not be perfect. You may not be perfect in your compliance. You may struggle and fall short of your chosen goal. You may dissatisfied with your appearance after weight loss and feel the need for plastics.
And even if all that happens I think you will still feel that it was worth it. I'm still on my journey and for me at 60 pounds down it was worth it for how much my quality of life improved.
Your concerns are legitamite. The sleeve is a tool, not a cure. Coquering your head is the toughest part.
You may experience complications, but most of us don't. You will certainly see relationship changes with your spouse, though the end result may be positive. I never thought much about my husband's weight but now I see that he needs to lose at least 30 pounds. And he still wants to eat out a lot which is a challenge.
I say just do it. Buy a ticket, take the ride. It may not be perfect. You may not be perfect in your compliance. You may struggle and fall short of your chosen goal. You may dissatisfied with your appearance after weight loss and feel the need for plastics.
And even if all that happens I think you will still feel that it was worth it. I'm still on my journey and for me at 60 pounds down it was worth it for how much my quality of life improved.
Thank you for that, so much. I don't want my fear or apprehension to keep me from doing this. Somewhere inside I know this is what has to happen. I just have many other things to tackle as well. I think I'm so aware of the fact that this doesn't "fix" everything, that I'm terrified of the fixing things myself, but you are right, I need to focus on being healthy again and this is a tool that will help with that for sure. Thank you so much for the encouragement.
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