My Husband is Acting 9 Kinds of Crazy - Help!
I too saw my Dad scream and hit my mother. As a child I remember it well and found a husband just like Dad. In the begining, my husband of 21 years started with just verbal abuse and then after serveral years its turned into hitting me. My self worth was so bad i stayed for 20 years....ten of those being hit. Please seek help asap. I can't say for you but there are better things out there in life. I left not knowing what my life would hold....thinking no one would want me, that Iwas not worth it and now I know that I am and I am wanted. I have a god given right to feel safe and happy. I can't wait till surgery and that part of my new life begins.
Age 53, 5'2", HW 337, Pre OpW 312.5, SW ?, CW 286
No ma'am.
No m**** f***** ma'am.
On top of the abusiveness and alcoholism, when he didn't come to the hospital to see me he would have been yesterday's news.
You deserve better. He wants you to stay his fat wife so he can keep you under his thumb. Matter of fact, HE knows you deserve better and that's why he's worried.
Also, your kids don't need to be in an environment where they witness that because I can guarantee you that when they get older, they are going to be looking at you sideways for putting up with it.
So, my advice is to go to the county office, pay the filing fee for divorce, find a reasonably priced yet competent lawyer and get it going.
No m**** f***** ma'am.
On top of the abusiveness and alcoholism, when he didn't come to the hospital to see me he would have been yesterday's news.
You deserve better. He wants you to stay his fat wife so he can keep you under his thumb. Matter of fact, HE knows you deserve better and that's why he's worried.
Also, your kids don't need to be in an environment where they witness that because I can guarantee you that when they get older, they are going to be looking at you sideways for putting up with it.
So, my advice is to go to the county office, pay the filing fee for divorce, find a reasonably priced yet competent lawyer and get it going.
Reread your original post again and then tell me how you could stay with that man...immediate counseling for both of you if you do...or kick him to the curb and let him know that this is just as much his failure as yours. You BOTH have to try to make this work. No marriage can be one-sided. If he's not working on it too, it's not gonna work...and don't even get me started on the kids...cuz I'm sure you are seeing the effect this is having on them. Good luck to you and prayers for your family's successful recovery.
Deb
Goal Reached in 12.5 Months
HW: 274 Pre-OpW: 266 SW: 254 CW: 125 GW: 145
You must permanently change your lifestyle if you want your weight loss to be permanent. You can do it!
I was kinda in a simular situtation. I was only married 9 months when I kicked my husband out. it was exactly 1 week before I had my surgery. He was never happy wtih the fact that I was going to have the surgery and said that I was going to trade up. I knew something was going on and hasn't been right for a while. So i did some investagating and found out he was doing drugs. I had his stuff packed and outside waiting for him. I wasn't going to just let it go so he could keep turning it around on me that I was going to "trade up" once I lost all my weight... So I kick his ass out before the sugery so he coulnd't turn around and make me feel like a bad person if It happened again once i was skinny. No one should have to put up with people making you feel bad and that everything is your fault. Stay stronge and do what you need to do for you and your kids. Don't worry about him.
I've worked domestic violence cases for 12 years and not all of them are physical. What he is and has been doing to you is wrong and always has been. First off, please do not stay in a marriage like this just because you think it's best for the kids. They hear and see everything and I promise it is not a good life for them. Not only that, they will grow up thinking either it's ok to do that to someone or to be treated that way.
He has bullied you for years because you were overweight, had a low self esteem and probably didn't think you could do much better. A major part of DV is about control, not the actual physical violence, and he is fearing that he may not be able to control you much longer because you are regaining your confidence and that's when things can get dangerous physically as well. Please don't think that just because he's never hit you before, doesn't mean he never will.
Who cares if he's "right" and you leave him after losing all the weight. You don't deserve to be treated in that way and he has no right to treat you that way and when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter worth a damn what he thinks, just that you and your children are secure and happy. It's not your job to cater to his insecurites, especially since he has done nothing but exploit yours over the years.
I'm sure you are not ready to just pack up and leave but I would suggest that maybe you consider preparing for that on the side and in the mean time, contact a local domestic violence shelter or hotline. If you don't have any near you, you can call 1-800-799-7233 or go here for resources http://www.ncadv.org/.
He has bullied you for years because you were overweight, had a low self esteem and probably didn't think you could do much better. A major part of DV is about control, not the actual physical violence, and he is fearing that he may not be able to control you much longer because you are regaining your confidence and that's when things can get dangerous physically as well. Please don't think that just because he's never hit you before, doesn't mean he never will.
Who cares if he's "right" and you leave him after losing all the weight. You don't deserve to be treated in that way and he has no right to treat you that way and when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter worth a damn what he thinks, just that you and your children are secure and happy. It's not your job to cater to his insecurites, especially since he has done nothing but exploit yours over the years.
I'm sure you are not ready to just pack up and leave but I would suggest that maybe you consider preparing for that on the side and in the mean time, contact a local domestic violence shelter or hotline. If you don't have any near you, you can call 1-800-799-7233 or go here for resources http://www.ncadv.org/.
I'm probably not a good person to weigh in (pun intended) because I just got out of a bad marriage. You know how ex smokers want everyone to quit? I'm still in that mode where I have the impulse to tell people buying a wedding dress "RUN!!!"
It's a touchy subject when someone you love, who claim they love you mistreat you. Those two things don't make sense. They love you yet they hurt you. That's illogical and we want so desperately to believe they love us. It's easier to ignore it and hope it will go away. It's easier to justify it and defend it, to ourselves. I spent years having this ahole tell me I was inadequate, fat, unattractive, repulsive and then he would apologize and say "he was just mad." One day, he did something and the world shifted for me. I was like F that, I'm done. I finally decided to love me even if I was the ONLY one who loved me. When someone you are emotionally and spiritually tied to, tears you down all the time, even if you don't believe it, eventually you fall victim to buying into it. The more you hear it, the more you accept it, one inch at a time.
And I don't want to throw gas on your fire but I learned the hard way that the most paranoid, most controlling, most jealous, most accusational people are typically the most dishonest and sneaky. My ex accused me of being a "*****" because I spray tanned and didn't wear a bra out of the tanning place because I didn't want it on the new white bra I had just bought. He was a lunatic with the accusations and when the dust settled, it turned out he was projecting on ME how he was. He was the sneaky, lying, dishonest ******* and he accused me because it salved his guilt somehow and he suspected the world was like him: sneaky. To me, constant accusations done in a cruel way are a major red flag. If you haven't given him cause to be that way, it's coming from inside him and is probably more a reflection of who he is. I finally decided if my ex had surgery and lost 100 lbs, he'd probably run off and be a ***** Therefore, he accused me of it. It was that simple.
I agree that counseling is amazing. It helps you process thing sand figure out how you feel and who you want to be. Eventually you'll get your belly full and then you'll do something different. No one can tell you when that point will be, it's up to you. You're the one left holding the bag so it's your utlimate decision. Love you, that's my advice. Love you and your kids enough that you can at some point stand up and say "Hey you, asshole, F you and the abusive horse you rode in on." (maybe not in those words, I get sort of theatrical)
It's a touchy subject when someone you love, who claim they love you mistreat you. Those two things don't make sense. They love you yet they hurt you. That's illogical and we want so desperately to believe they love us. It's easier to ignore it and hope it will go away. It's easier to justify it and defend it, to ourselves. I spent years having this ahole tell me I was inadequate, fat, unattractive, repulsive and then he would apologize and say "he was just mad." One day, he did something and the world shifted for me. I was like F that, I'm done. I finally decided to love me even if I was the ONLY one who loved me. When someone you are emotionally and spiritually tied to, tears you down all the time, even if you don't believe it, eventually you fall victim to buying into it. The more you hear it, the more you accept it, one inch at a time.
And I don't want to throw gas on your fire but I learned the hard way that the most paranoid, most controlling, most jealous, most accusational people are typically the most dishonest and sneaky. My ex accused me of being a "*****" because I spray tanned and didn't wear a bra out of the tanning place because I didn't want it on the new white bra I had just bought. He was a lunatic with the accusations and when the dust settled, it turned out he was projecting on ME how he was. He was the sneaky, lying, dishonest ******* and he accused me because it salved his guilt somehow and he suspected the world was like him: sneaky. To me, constant accusations done in a cruel way are a major red flag. If you haven't given him cause to be that way, it's coming from inside him and is probably more a reflection of who he is. I finally decided if my ex had surgery and lost 100 lbs, he'd probably run off and be a ***** Therefore, he accused me of it. It was that simple.
I agree that counseling is amazing. It helps you process thing sand figure out how you feel and who you want to be. Eventually you'll get your belly full and then you'll do something different. No one can tell you when that point will be, it's up to you. You're the one left holding the bag so it's your utlimate decision. Love you, that's my advice. Love you and your kids enough that you can at some point stand up and say "Hey you, asshole, F you and the abusive horse you rode in on." (maybe not in those words, I get sort of theatrical)
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