Spouse not on board.

Hi all, I prefer the nickname Tia, and I'm the girlfriend.  Thought I'd reply since I felt this original post was just a blanket statement.   I have been supportive, what I haven't done is be dishonest with him.  I have known him for close to 9 years.  yes, he's had a weight problem his entire life.   for the record, I'm not thin at all.  I could stand to lose about 25 lbs to look good, 30 to look wonderful and 40 to look fantastic.  so the whole "I want to be the better looking one in the relationship" isn't the case at all.

whenever we do talk about this, he ends up yelling if I voice any concerns at all.  And I am honest in my concerns.  we are paying for this out of pocket.  it's alot of money, from a couple that is by far, NOT well off, we are using retirement funds to do this.  

one of my fears is he's going to be angry or moody because he can't eat, and he loves food, and is an excellent cook.  I've heard that people change in bad ways because of these surgeries.  I don't want to live with a grouch. 

I have known him to go on diets, for no longer then 2 months. then he gives up.  I have known him to be upset if his weight loss is only a few lbs, to feel he starved himself, deprived himself, and all he's got to show for it is a few pounds.  I have seen him purchase an expensive exercise bike, to use it only a handful of times.   I have seen him cheat a little on a diet, then feel, well i've blown it so I might as well keep going.   I have offered to go on walks with him, to go on any diet HE chooses to make it easier. we went on At**ns together to have him stop after a few weeks while I kept going.  when people complimented me on my weight loss, he'd joke that he found every pound I lost.    I have tried more then once to get him to do any diet at all.

I have never known him to stick with any type of a diet long term.  I've tried talking to him about it, saying how it's not even a diet, but a lifestyle change.  the ONLY reason I do indeed worry about him defeating this, is he keeps telling me "he can't" eat like he used to.  He has said I don't read up on this, well, I have, and many talk about a honeymoon period.  how if you have this done, you'd better learn how to rethink food or once the honeymoon period is over look out.  people say you can indeed eat and gain again.   for that kinda money, knowing it's our retirement funds and we're only 7 yrs away from that, yes, that's alot of money to lose.  do i believe that people can lose on their own?  yes, I do.  If you want to cruicify me for this, I'm a big girl.  but I'm also being honest.  no one holds anyone down and says you must eat this!  Personal Responsibility. 

i do wonder if people who have lost weight thru this, have been able to avoid normal temptations that got you this way in the first place, simply because you now look so good.   is this rapid weight loss enough of a motivator to keep you  on track without counseling?   as he has said, he's lost weight many times in his life, only to regain it.  can he do it without counseling?  or do you guys really recommend this?

as far as going to a support meeting with him?  not only has he not asked me to, I don't believe he is even looking to do this himself.  but if he does go, sure I'd be there in a heartbeat, and yes, deep down he does know this.

I love this guy with every ounce of my soul.  and deep down, he knows this too.  but guess what?   i'm not going to blow smoke up anyone's behind.    I have a large family, 6 kids and 9 grandkids.  he has a ton of friends.  when we get together with either group, food is involved.    I fear that if he doesn't go to counseling, and relearn up in his head how to handle food; then we're sunk.     and I've told him,  I'm in the pic now, I won't let him eat what he shouldn't.  his reply?  you aren't with me 24/7.    was that a challenge?  idk.

do I want him to succeed?  of course I do.  I know the pain he feels, and yes, for me too there's embarrassment.  this is my BF we're talking about.     tell ya what,  I hope YOU guys can convince him to get into a support group.  I'd be right there.  cuz sure'nuf I need help with my own fears.

only one poster replied that she realized she was only reading his side of the story, for that I thank you.   for the record, I'm not a B****, I do love the guy, I do want him to succeed (we've such plans for our future) and no, he wouldn't be better off without me.    everyone should always remember, ya gotta hear both sides of a story before passing judgement.

thanx for listening.   Tia

So,a couple of questions,why don't you lose 20,30 or 40 # and keep it off? Who doesn't want to look fantastic? or is it the whole "responsibility for what we eat" and just go on a diet and lose the weight"  AND KEEP IT OFF is a lot easier to say than it is to do?

 

You need to understand a really big point here. Many people including myself and a LOT of people on this forum are addicted to food. We are addicted to food just like others are addicted to alcohol,cigs or drugs. We have to work some type of program and a WLS is often part of that program.  Obviously,we have to eat. We can't just swear off food the rest of our life and as long as we never go anywhere there is food served we are not tempted. So,we have to LEARN how to deal with food on many many levels.

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e all go about learning in vastly different ways but many many are successful  in long term maintenance. Many need therapy for  many years or even the rest of their lives. Many do not. The fact is that I would venture to say EVERYONE who frequents this forum has gone on every diet in existence more than once ,bought every exercise equipment available and still not been successful cause it is genetically impossible for some of us.

T

hat is why a WLS is our salvation. It levels the playing field. it allows us to have our volume of food consumed, controlled for us while we are getting the rest of our program under our (slowly shrinking) belts. We are able to achieve some weight loss,modest for some,vast amounts for others,and begin to feel better and able to move more ,which leads me to exercise. it HURTS to exercise when you are morbidly obese. Do you know what the word morbidly obese means? It is a medical term that says we are so fat it is going to kill us. I don't even know why someone who professed to love me would be more worried about wasting retirement funds when I might not even live to retire! I would,personally,question that highly and will have to suggest that thought to your boyfriend.

 

Also,I take offense to your thinking he won't be able to eat! Who told you that lie? I eat every day about 6 times a day,actually. Meat of all kinds in any kind of sauce I choose,though I am choosy about what I DO choose,veggies,salads,some limited fruits. Nuts,seeds,dairy. But I EAT!

 

I would not recommend the lap band to anyone and esp not someone self paying. the other 3 surgeries,the gastric bypass,the vertical sleeve gastrectomy and the duodenal switch work in different ways. I will not go into them here but the Vertical sleeve,the VSG,which I have,is achieved by removing 85% of the existing stomach leaving a small banana shaped "sleeve". The 85% is the stretchy part and the part that makes the hormone ghrelin,the "hunger" hormone. I personally,at 2.10 months out have only felt hunger less than a handful of times. 
Small capacity stomach and no hunger go a LONG way toward success. he is right when he says,he won;t be able to eat like he used to.

 

On the other hand,any of the surgeries can be "eaten around". this is where the addiction issue comes in and can often be helped by therapy. Many are, yes,so motivated by the way they feel and look that that is all it takes. Many NEVER want to go back there again and the thought of going back scares them enough to keep them on their plan and successful.

A

nd he is right. you can't stop him from eating and it is not your job. Nobody needs or likes the food police,esp not a grown man. And "you won't let him eat what he shouldn't?" Please. who died and made YOU his mother?  You should know mothers and live in girlfriends do very different jobs,and if you don't know that by now time to learn.

 

And of course we know there are two sides to every story. We had already read your story on the thread you started. I notice he didn't feel it necessary(yet) to jump in on your thread so why did you feel it necessary to jump in on his?

 

if you truly want him to succeed you should do the things you can to help him mentally and emotionally. because,truly,WLS is his last chance for success. If he hasn't done it on his own yet,it is because he can't.Regardless of what your opinion is on the matter,cause you know what? it is not about you this time. It is about him. He deserves this chance just like the other millions and millions of morbidly obese people deserve it.

 

if he doesn't do this now,he may not be around to participate in all those plans you have. Lastly

 

,and this is said with the utmost kindness and respect...I think it is highly arrogant of you to insist he wouldn't be better off without you...just sayin.

Thanks for sharing your side of the story here.

I have to say that most people who have never struggled with morbid obesity or super morbid obesity have a difficult time understanding why WLS works when someone has failed at so many diets. When you consider that added to the fact that he is asking you to help pay for it out of your retirement savings, I would think that a lot of people in your shoes would have similar concerns.

As far as the personal responsibility comment goes, I would just wonder why you would choose to be 30-40 lbs overweight if being overweight is a choice you made. You've got a large family and I'm sure you want to be around them for as long as possible, so I would guess that the reason you "choose" to greatly increase your risk factors of dying prematurely by carrying around extra weight is that its maybe not as easy as it sounds to lose weight and keep it off.

When you think about that and compound it by someone who finds him/herself faced with needing to lose double, triple, quadruple, quintuple (!!) that, you could surely imagine that the difficulty of the task would significantly increase. Considering the already extremely low success rate of long term weight management via diet and exercise alone (I think its about 7%?), you may also guess that the very overweight need some type of assistance in this battle.

I think you are right to assume that there will be some head games accompanying this process. I know there were in my process. I did seek therapy, I attended a few in-person support groups, but I sought support here constantly. I also found some great reads suggested by successful folks on here and put in a lot of work that way.

Diet is probably 90% of weight loss. Exercise is awesome because it makes our bodies stronger and it is important in the maintenance phase, but if your eating is out of control, it would be nearly impossible to lose all of your excess weight through exercise alone without any intake modifications.

Exercise is really hard, sometimes even painful, when you are morbidly obese. Do you think it is possible that the reason the exercise bike goes untouched now is because he is unable to get control on his food intake so the exercise is extremely difficult with no noticeable payoff? I'm not saying its the right choice, but could you see where that would be disheartening?

I would encourage you to look at all of the success stories on here and look and think of we must have looked like such failures pre-op. None of us could diet our way to success and maintain it. I doubt many of us were hitting the gym every day. There must have been something about the sleeve that aided us in accomplishing our goals.

Did we have to change the way we eat? Yes!!! But something about the sleeve helped us do what we were unable to do before.

I would say that the first 4-6 weeks will be hard. If he's anything like me, he will be grumpy that he can't eat. Food commercials may be bothersome, he may feel left out at celebrations where food is a centerpiece. If you are really considerate, you may even want to do your eating out of his sight.

It's not easy and it will take work on his part. Again, I think most people in your shoes who were being asked to pay for this out of pocket would have some concerns and it would be frustrating if you couldn't talk through them without being yelled at. I hope you two are able to have some real conversation and in the meantime, you may find some comfort in cruising OH and looking at the success stories...find out what a successful VSG eating plans look like...see how many people failed at the diet and exercise route for so long and then were able to find success with the help of a sleeve.

Best of luck to you both. Keep us updated!

Lindsey

I thought I would be the first person to ever fail this surgery miserably.  I was addicted to food.......and lots of it.  I was worried about stretching out my stomach and not being able to keep my weight manageable.  Your description of your boyfriend sounds a lot like me........I too bought expensive exercise equipment that I never used and started diets that I dropped very shortly after when I got discouraged.  It sucks.....you sometimes feel like it's never going to get better and so you just give up.....until the next time it bothers you again and then you try again......halfheartedly.   Fortunately, I was wrong.

The sleeve is a tool, but it is a tool that allows you to be successful......unlike many diets and the weight loss fads.  The success is the difference between this and just a diet.  I'm 2 1/2 years out now and yes, I've had cheat days, but I weigh myself daily (log it weekly) so I can curb a trend before it gets out of control.  I decided early on that I wanted to live a "normal" life and not be obsessed with dieting forever.  I can have lots of things I love by making sure I get in my protein everyday (that, and water are my only requirements for myself).  Once I get my protein in I generally don't have room for much else and I don't feel like I'm dieting.  I have pie occasionally, or chocolate or even candy, but I never seem to want much of it......there isn't room for much of it!  

My stomach has "matured" so that I can eat a bit more than I could before, but not much.  I still have to share meals eaten out with someone else and I usually get an appetizer (I still have to share an appetizer!).  What I've found is that I don't obsess about food as much as I did before surgery because my life no longer revolves around it.  It's kind of a relief.  I'm also no longer tired all the time without all the weight so I'm much more active and don't feel the need to eat to "stay awake".  

I think that counseling will certainly be of help in the case of the original poster.  It's surprising how much self-medicating we do with food.

My husband was reluctant at first because he was worried that it was such a drastic step.  Neither of us saw me as quite as big as I was and it wasn't until I was a few weeks before surgery that a photo taken of me in Italy showed what we weren't seeing in real life.  He didn't care about looks......he only wanted me to be healthy, and at 40 I was beginning to have signs of diabetes, rising blood pressure and had undiagnosed sleep-apnea (I'd never heard of it before).  I was a pretty active person.....it's not like I sat around, and I certainly tried to exercise fairly regularly and for me at least it held off the bad stuff for a while, but it was closing in.   Even on the day of surgery my husband was distant, but it was because he was so worried about losing me, but his support since has been a big part of my success.

I lost a little less than 100 lbs, but in the last 6 months I've started losing again (without any special effort on my part) and am now at a very consistant 150lbs.   My only regret is not doing this sooner.

the proof is in the pudding...um no pun intended. Have your surgery,save your life and prove her wrong. End of discussion

Second point: Live in girlfriends are a dime a dozen. You need a woman who is with you through thick and thin again no pun intended. A woman who supports you in every way possible when you make life altering decisions like these,not someone who only supports you if it is her idea and she thinks it is something you should do.

 

You can't stretch out the sleeve but you can certainly eat around it by drinking calories or eating lots of high cal low nutrition crap that isn't filling. You eat 3 ounces of dense meat and you won't try to stretch that baby out but once,I can promise you that.

 

GL on your decision making but I would NEVER let ANYONE else make this life altering decision for me or try to take it away from me. It was hands down the best thing I have ever done for myself. I was also self pay,in Mexico for a fraction of the cost.

 

I realize it is your retirement funds you are using but what if you don't live to retire and have the benefit of the funds?

Hmmm...not a bad point about the retirement funds.

 

OP, as far as the funds go, how significantly is this going to drain the retirement fund? She writes like she will also be using her retirement fund. She does have a say in how she spends her money, so you may need to find a way to fund this on your own if possible.

The funds are coming out of an old 401k I've had since before we met solely in my name although we were both counting on that to help in our retirement.

Sounds like she is a little quick to say "we are using retirement funds" ...that is your money and you had it before you met her and for whatever reason, you've chosen not to get married. Your money.

Now the other poster's point about using the retirement funds to make sure you're around for retirement is sounding better and better.

Best,

Lindsey

My husband was the same way until I made him go to a support group with me. He still wasn't on board until he knew how serious I was about this. It's your choice, your life, your health. Like everyone else is saying.....she is scared and maybe a little insecure of her own feelings with you getting thinner and lets face it....we all are getting better looking for sure! HA! Just keep reassuring her and let her know....without her support.....it's hurting your relationship. Our other halves are our greatest fans. My husband now is my biggest supporter. It took him awhile but now he is making sure I'm doing what I'm suppose to do. Good luck with everything and keep educating her. This will be one of the best decisions of your life! :)