OT- Going to divorce court on Jan 24th

Hi OH family,

I posted last week about how I've been slipping up and eating a bunch of carby stuff and received some good support.  I still find myself walking hand and hand with food during this time.  I couldn't even hardly get out of bed on Sunday (and I'm on Effexor XR 75 mg/day)  Though I have been separated from my husband and living 1000 miles apart for 4 years, the finality of the divorce is setting in.  Though I was not the perfect wife, what ultimately ended our marriage was his affair (he was "ministering" to her) which he didn't want to give up.  Of course, I'm blamed myself...like if I hadn't gained weight he would not have cheated and this idea was only perpetuated by "skinny" family members.  I know I've done all the hard stuff like reestablishing myself back in my hometown, buying a home for myself and my 7 yo daughter, and living life and having VSG.  BUT, I am struggling with this with the finality of everything.  I will survive, right?

Anybody who says you are to blame for HIS affair is full of ****

Here's the deal, and I am sorry if I offend anybody. I am not condemning any single person's decision. I know people who had affairs and I don't think they are evil or unworthy of my friendship, etc. So I'm not judging any individual action.

But if I had EVER gotten to the point where I wanted to have sex with someone not my husband, I'd have gotten the divorce and then gone after it. Your husband had a legal and moral contract with you. If you had been battering him over the head with a frying pan, he should have left you, divorced you, and gone and found somebody else to love. Any other order? NOT YOUR FAULT.

Divorce before new sexual relationship. Anything else is not only problematical, it's hugely risky for the other person. I've seen too many people have relationships when they're separated but not divorced, and then go back to their spouse. The other person is left devasated. My niece dated a guy who was separated and going through a divorce. Sounded like a sure thing. He came to our family gatherings. We adored the guy. Guess what. He finally went to counseling and reconciled with his wife because of their children. That was years ago and he is still with the wife and family, evidently very happy. I think it was a good choice. What wasn't a good choice was the affair with my niece that left her devastated and him feeling horribly guilty over breaking up with her.

Deal with your relationship issues and end them before you start hunting a new relationship. Otherwise the potential problems are huge.

And you should tell that to anybody who has the nerve to tell you otherwise.

And that's without even dealing with the ridiculous idea that you weight should be his excuse.

Your weight may (or may not) be a result of your relationship problems, I don't know. But it didn't cause them. If he seriously believes that your weight gave him a free ticket to not respect and love you any more, again, that is HIS moral deficiency.

You will survive and you will thrive.

Go for it! You're going to lose a HUGE amount of weight when that divorce is final. What does he weigh? Get ready to kiss that lard goodbye!

I have been divorced for sixteen years and my ex-husband told me he had an affair due to my weight gain...even though in my head I knew that wasn't true...my heart still hurt.  It took me a long time to seperate my behavior and choices from his.  You know what there are thousands of happily married people where one of the spouses is overweight.  Look around you when you go out.  My ex-husband had many other reasons as well, I made more money than him and that made him feel emasculated, I had a better education than him...he felt less than.  I bet if you really look back objectively at the time prior to your marriage and in the early stages of you marriage you will find little clues that he might have not been in it for the long haul.  Don't blame yourself...regardless of your size you are still the same person in your heart.  He would have made this choice regardless of how you look.  Hang in there.  There is a book out there..."Healing the child within" that talks about all the messages we give ourselves or listen to from other people that are ultimately destructive and how to help that child that lives within each of us find joy and peace again.

I am so sorry you are going thru all of this. You are not to blame. Please love yourself. Your daughter needs you more than ever. You are a survivor. I will be praying for you.

divorce is tough no matter what, legally ending the marriage is painful ,your skinny family member sounds like a cruel individual kicking you when you are in obvious pain, no truth to their statement, he(ex spouse) made his choices, his loss in the end...you will be O.K. in time one day at a time, congratulations on your new home and starting over with your daughter in a nice  town...taking control of your body....you deserve good things in you, your definitely  on the right road to a better life.....

I am so sorry. I Have friends who are thin and the husbands are huge. The husbands had affairs with women who are much larger than there wives. They cheated because the women that they cheated with allow it because they to are cheaters. Some people will cheat just because. I am much larger then my friends my husband still chases me. The man who points to a woman weight as a reason to cheat is very selfish. He need to look in the mirror, his big hears, beer belly bald head and thank God you would stay with him. So lose weight improve your self , get the best outfit and hair style and make sure some of his family sees you and they tell how well you are doing. Remember what goes around comes around. You will be amazing.  A guy will come along who will love in away you have never known. It will be as if you are filling love for the first time. Get it together and go out and live your life.. I am cheering for you.

Thank ya'll so much for your encouragement.  I know that people who cheat have character flaws, and it really did not have much to do with my weight., but his low self-esteem.  I also know that I have found strength within myself that I could never imagine that I had.  I did something good for myself and joined a lady's gym last night.  I haven't been on a regimen in 11 years, so it's time. 

Regardless of why he cheated, it was unacceptable to you and that is all that matters.  Men cheat on the most beautiful women in the world, so don't blame yourself.

What seems a bad thing, may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.  You need someone who loves you unconditionally and will be loyal.

In my opinion, no matter what, loyalty is the most important thing in any relationship.