Reflections - six months post-op, 100 lbs down, 60 lbs to go!

Greetings!

I don't have any pictures taken yet to commemorate my 6-month surgiversary, but I will give some numerical progress...

7/27/12 - 315 lbs, size 26, BMI - >53 (super morbidly obese)

1/27/13 - 215 lbs, size 16(!!!), BMI - 35.7 (plain ol' obese!)

Goal weight - 155 lbs - I plan to be there by July 2013!

Measurements in July 2012 - Bust - 53", Waist - 50", Hips - over 60" (off the tape measure)

Measurements in January 2013 - Bust - 41.5", Waist - 35.5", Hips - 45.5"

So here are my reflections of the past 6 months, broken into pros (intrinsic and extrinsic) and cons. Sorry for the novel, but I don't post too much and figured maybe there is someone out there who can relate to my story.

Intrinsic Pros: I cannot even begin to think about how many ways this surgery has helped to change my life. Obviously this has a lot to do with setting goals, portion control, exercise, sticking to my lifestyle change, and realizing this is a marathon and not a sprint. I also see a therapist regularly to give me an extra person (and not a friend!) to set healthy boundaries, talk about my goals, and reflect on the changes I am going through. I also am inspired by so many here on OH who give freely of their time and knowledge...both new and seasoned people! For me, the surgery provided an extra factor that has helped me to be accountable for everything I do that relates to my health and well-being. I denied that my size took a toll on my body and also was in denial about the physical pain I had (sciatica, back and leg pain, etc.). I denied that my pregnancy was harder because I was over 300 lbs when I got pregnant, and was off the doctor's scale in my 9th month. Basically, I denied my body for years. I hated it, yet found it to be a protective cocoon of blubber that soothed me. It was my biggest defense mechanism and my excuse for all my failures in life. Surprisingly, though, my denial of my body also was a catalyst to be a hard worker and achiever...and overachiever most of the time. I also hid my mild AD/HD through my food intake, as it helped to quell the sense of something missing in my life and would sedate me enough to function. I relied on my pretty face and intellect to get me through...as if these made up for the fact that my body could barely perform enough to get through the day without exhaustion. Now, I love my body. I even love my loose skin, because to me it shows my ability to persevere and to love myself enough to take better care of me. And the biggest intrinsic pro is feeling like a better mom...one who is not tired all the time and can run in the snow with her kid!

Extrinsic Pros: The latest pros (which are mostly superficial) include having my bridesmaid dress that I'm wearing next month taken in FOUR sizes (yes, Shagdoll, I should have ordered the 16 or 18!), wearing a sexxxxay short Old Navy denim skirt with leggings and heels yesterday (and getting the words "hot" and "sexy" from my husband without soliciting them), buying coats/workout gear/etc. in the misses section and actually not worrying if they'll fit, and getting checked out/asked out by 3 men this past week. (Apparently some guys don't care if ladies wear wedding rings or not.) Probably the biggest pro I've had is actually being able to run 5k, which I have never been able to do, even when I was a 170 lb freshman in high school!

Cons: Honestly, I haven't really had any cons post-surgery, except for having to clean out my closet at least once a month! Ha! The Goodwill and the Salvation Army stores in my area know me pretty well by now. Also, I can't wear my wedding rings anymore and will have to get them resized...so CZ is my friend right now. I only have had 1 person in my life who was kind of negative about bariatric surgery. She changed her own life by running and has lost over 100 lbs herself...wonderful! I applaud and laud her for her accomplishments...when discussing my upcoming surgery this past June, she started going on about how her co-workers have had it and how she feels it is the 'easy way out.' Whatever. Keep in mind, this person continues to eat large portions and consume alcohol regularly...so she may have to maintain her running for a while to maintain the weight loss. For me, the VSG helps me to keep track of my intake and keep what I don't need out of my body. I can't even fathom the money I've saved on food, especially eating out and fast food. Those truly are the only 'cons' I have had...the lack of fast food is really a pro...so really, none at all.

The following statement is something (I think) I found on sparkpeople.com...I copied and pasted this into a document on my desktop. As I was considering undergoing the VSG last spring, it helped me to put everything in perspective...I could have written the very same thing. I am so damn happy living life again...feeling pain...expressing my emotions...being a more authentic person...not be afraid to exercise, have a belly laugh, or dance in front of others...to be intimate with my husband with the lights on...to set and accomplish goals, despite the 'hardships' I want to see or create for myself. I can do this. I AM doing this, and will continue to for the rest of my life.

I Understand Why This Can Be So Hard

To lose the weight would mean to allow myself to hurt. To lose weight would mean not numbing myself anymore. It would mean experiencing pain to its maximum. It would also mean experiencing happiness. I tend to forget.

My weight is a barrier between me and others. I've allowed it to define me because I am afraid of defining myself- and being disappointed. To lose weight would mean to experience. To lose the weight would mean to break down the walls that have protected me for so long.

To lose weight also means living in the present. To accept your failures and go for your successes. It would mean leaving the realm of "When I lose weight" and enter that of "Today I will".

It is difficult to be thinner because it would entail in living. And life is scary. And life can hurt. But I will find the strength to lose this safety net I have made of my body and allow myself to be for the first time in a while...

If anyone considering surgery has gotten to the end of this post, know this is the best decision I have made in years and would recommend it to anyone who has struggled with their weight for as long as I have! I don't regret not having it sooner, as I believe all the other blessings in my life were meant to be when they happened. However, I look forward to continue fighting the good fight and recovering from my food and weight issues. Have a blessed day!!

Thank you for this honest reflection! SO appreciated and I'm proud of you.

Thank you so much!! Virtual high-five!

I just wanted to say congratulations and I enjoyed every word of your post. You rock!!!

Thank you so much!! I look forward to getting to know you bettter! :D

THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT. JUST HAD THE SLEEVE AND I AM CRYING BECAUSE I FEEL SO SICK. I CAN'T GET TO THE BOTTOM OF MY INABILITY TO EAT, DRINK OR SLEEP.  I AM ENCOURAGED THAT I, TOO, WILL FEEL AS YOU DO ONE DAY BUT NOW I AM DISCOURAGED AND SCARED.

How long has it been for you post-surgery? I'd encourage you to contact your surgeon's office ASAP to talk with someone if you haven't already...each varies in how to approach that issue. It will get better! Remember to stay hydrated..for me, ice chips helped early out as did children's Tylenol for pain...I cannot stand the heavy duty drugs. Also, do some searching on here for previous posts about how to keep liquids down. For me, I can drink warmer liquid easier than cold, and ice cold is really hard sometimes (except for ice chips). Good luck and hugs to you.

Hello, it has been 20 days since surgery and I have been in constant contact with the office yet things are not moving as fast as I would like.  I am going to ask to have a meeting with my surgeon and today I am going to push the liquids. Thanks so much for the support!

No problem! I hope you are doing better and that you were able to get some sleep!! Just remember that it is all about taking one day at a time...sometimes one hour or even one minute at a time. You have a wonderful tool here of people who have been there and can empathize with you. Hugs!

THANK YOU SOO MUCH!! EVERYONE HAS BEEN GREAT. HUGS RIGHT BACK AT YOU.