Did your husband worry you would leave him post op, if so what helped?

Hi,

Quick background- vsg 2 years ago, husband was scared and tried to talk me out of it, but within a few days post op did a 180 and was 100% supportive.  He lost 100 pounds with me and are already strong marriage strengthened. 

But, I just had PS (Tummy Tuck) on Monday and he is flipping out on me.  I am 3 days post op and he is not only not helpful, but digging in on the kids and making things difficult.  In a nutshell, he is worried that once I heal I will leave him.  WTF?  We have been married for decades and at no point has there ever been any smidgeon of infidelity on either part.  Why is he now all of a sudden freaking out about this?  My poor 18 year old daughter who is home for college is getting stuck helping me shower, change bandages,etc.  Thank God she is a PreMed student and is taking it all in stride.  Last night the hubby went for an hour walk in frigid weather (wind chill under 0) and came back to just unleash on my daughter.  Then he came and woke me up and completely broke down about how he never gets any support, blah, blah blah.  I really struggled not lashing out on him saying, What part is so hard- was it you coming home to dinner on the table, or having our daughter go up and rent a movie to lighten things up, or clean the house for us that is so terribly overwhelming?  I think the part that is the most upsetting for me is what it is doing to my daughter.  She is a broke ass college student *****cognizes that dad is flipping out, and she is cancelling her work shifts to make sure she can be home to help.  He keeps telling me that it is going to be weird to have a guy who looks really old married to somebody who looks like she is 20 and getting teased about being married to a trophy wife (hear me when I say he is NOT saying this as a compliment). 

If anyone out there had their spouse freak out over the concern of being left, what helped?  I would go to therapy with him if he would ever consider it, but he just doesn't see this as being something that he is responsible for, and that it is the people around him causing the anguish. 

I know he is tired- it has been a long week for him between me being in the hospital for two days and coming home so sore.  He has always been weird about us sleeping in separate rooms (and I do mean REALLY weird).  I was too sore to sleep in a bed, so had to chill in the recliner.  He came down multiple times the first night asking if I would be more comfortable in bed (in other words, come to bed please).  I just couldn't.  Last night I did knowing that would at least lessen that part of it for him, but holy smokes did I pay a price.  Nothing worse than essentially trying to do a sit-up in order to get out of bed when you have been sliced hip to hip and up to the breastbone. 

Ok, now I am just going on.  Sorry.  If you have any suggestions on what would help him I am all ears.  Thanks for listening, HT

Perhaps some of his guy friends are giving him a hard time? Or he is seeing all the male attention you are getting and is not secure enough to handle it.

Communication is key.

Assure him he is your one and only though this is something he has to work out in himself, nothing you say can fix his self esteem, he has to do that. Take a quick look at yourself and make sure the "new you" is not leaving him behind. Drastic weight loss is an adjustment for all. It is common for the spouse to feel threatened by the new sex appeal. Talk about it and ask him if there is anything you can do to help him adjust.

If it continues seek counseling. Your husband needs to figure out why he is threatened if you are not giving him any reasons to be.

Good luck and hope it all works out for you.

Hellooooo,

Isn't it funny when we finally decide to help our selves, it's our loved one that sets up the most road blocks.

My DH has been after me for years to do something about my weight. So with out him knowing, I started looking into  WLS.

A friend at work had RNY. Seeing her results and talking to her, convinced me that this was for me.

I started this process in April, I only just told my DH in November. He said he now needs to "buy a new suit"....what? Lmao.

He's afraid I'm going to look like I did when we first met....slim and sexy!!!! 

You know what my response to him was? ...."Deal with it"!!. It's his  problem!

We've been together since 1980, we have been their, did that, got the T-shirt! We have shared allot together. Some really good, some really bad.

This WLS is for me, and me alone. He can come along for the ride and support me, or stay back their and deal with it. He's old enough to do that!

Either way, he's not stopping me. That's a given. 

So, what are you going to do? Give into his childish, selfish  ways and pamper his ego, or simply tell him to get over it and move on!!!

You sound like such a nice person, don't let this hamper you in any way girl. Stay strong and true to yourself.

 P.S. 

 Am I reading that correctly, your 6'2? Wow! I think he truly believes you are Trophy Model worthy!! You go girl!!!

Ok, so this is totally what I feel like saying to him... but at least for now I think it is not being very sensitive to what his needs are.  I will just for the time being rely on other support systems than him, and see if I can get his tail back on track.  Part of that will be a "pull up your big boy panties" type message- just a little softer delivery.  And yes, I really am that tall.  So is my youngest daughter (age 14) who weighs 40 pounds less than me and truly could model.  She totally rocks a size 2 jeans, although I do pretty well in my size 12's for a 45 year old woman who is all legs. 

You say you have been married for decades and I'm thinking he is just feeling old and tired.  

Here he is at a time in his life when he might have thought he was going to kick his shoes off and relax and here is his wife (the stranger) making all these changes,which by the way she has lots of energy for and changing the contract.  For the past two years you have lost weight, gotten a new lease on life, changed your prospective on what your golden years will look like and now the abdomen of a twenty year old before children.

It's impossibly confusing and frightening and how, just how are you, The Goddess going to be satisfied with his old ass, when everything else is shiny and new.

Yeah he's having a meltdown and you just have to give him a wide birth until he gets over it and remembers.  

Not everyone likes change. I'm sure he had a picture of how the rest of life was gonna go. You ****** with that.  You can't help him until he gets to a place where he believes you really haven't changed and that you are not doing it for something out there.  

It's not unreasonable for him to think that women make changes to attract men.  It's what out culture and society tell us.  All you can do is share your experience with him but he's probably not willing to listen just yet because his fear is too loud.

Just do what your doing, heal and when he's ready to resemble something of the husband you have, explain to him that it's for you.  

Men also feel that women are powerless in the face of other men's (new men's) attention.  It's not unreasonable. We former fatties who may not have turned heads, turn heads and the fear is that once we've turned them we may engage them.

It's a big trough of fear thrown into the middle of his life.  He'll begin sanity again based on your behavior but not yet.  He's gonna freak out, you should let him.  At least that way you know what you are dealing with. As for your daughter explain to her that this is a phase and he's not a monster just scared that you've changed and moving away from him, that he'll get over it and you'll be stronger at the end of it and that once you've healed you will have the energy to make him understand that. Merry Christmas one and all.

Yeah it ain't for the fainthearted but from your posts i can tell that you are anything but fainthearted.  Good luck.

Ok, this post totally makes a lot of sense.  Thank you very much for your perspective- it helps!

That was a great effing post.

You nailed it!!

Bravo you are a rock star and I agree it is the man's problem the thing that bothers me most is what makes them think that all of a sudden we would leave them after so many years. It's almost insulting I think the insecurity issue needs to be addressed for things to get better. 

I don't want to talk too much about my ex on a public forum, especially when I know he's been known to lurk on EVERY FLIPPIN site I have ever visited & have an account with but whateverz....

Just like Jenn said, communication is the key.  I had zero communication fore the most part.  I believe there were some issues with my rapid weight loss but I feel he snuck around being insecure & did not deal with it head on.  Let me say, it certainly put a damper on the already rocky situation we were in.  And like the other poster said, we are taking control of our lives now.  I spent years taking care of my family & then I decided that I was finally ready to take care of myself ... my babies were a little older, etc. 

I think you are still in a good place in your marriage because it was strong before your WLS.  Even my PCP asked me 3 months before my surgery if my marriage was strong & solid ... I was like Whaaaat?!?!  Because I wasn't putting the 2 together.  Obviously now I see why.  Some husbands are so used to having a wife who doesn't stand out or maybe they have never felt threatened they would leave.  It doesn't seem like your husband takes you for granted so that's good.  Just do your best to reassure him that you love him & that you had to do this for yourself.  Why is it that they seem to not be happy for us?  They probably are threatened, maybe ... BUT if they are contributing to the marriage to make it work & stay solid then hopefully over a little time our "other half" will/can adjust. 

I heard someone else on this board post something like this & it stuck with me ... even our husbands, spouses, significant others, etc ... are having to deal with our changing bodies too.   They are also having to let their heads catch up with our bodies.  Stay connected.