Getting personal, why were you fat?

While my eating habits weren't great to start with (I have an unhealthy love affair with cookies), my depression is a big part of it for me. I have bipolar, and when I haven't been on medication, I've been a size 12/14, but the first time I went on antidepressants at age 17, I gained 50lb in a few months (which is sadly and completely normal).

I tried to go unmedicated in college and grad school, and even managed to do an insane diet in graduate school that got me down to a size 8/10... but without the medications that keep me sane and stable, I do dumb and dangerous things. Trust me, I am a MUCH more fun person to be around when I don't passively wish I was dead.

I weighed 180lb when I got married, got on my husband's insurance, and started seeing a psychiatrist who got me on the medications I needed. Over 7 years, I found a "****tail" that works to keep my brain healthy and my mental health is in a good place. It took a lot of trial and error, with at least half a dozen MAJOR drug switches, and each brought between 20-40lb gains. While I fought to lose it, I gained 100lb by the time I walked into my surgeon's office last year.

Let's face it, when you're starting off with depression, and you're already fat, you tend to throw your hands in the air and say, "I'm already worthless, things aren't ever going to get better... F*** this sh**, pass the pizza" and you give up on taking care of yourself." And that's exactly what I did.

So my mental health is in a good spot now. And the surgery has KILLED my hunger, which is something that my psych meds seriously screw with. (Honest to goodness, I would wake up in the middle of the night completely ravenous, unable to sleep until I had something to eat, and my doctor said that wasn't abnormal.) So both sides of the equation are doing better, and for that I'm seriously grateful.

Oh wow. This is a great, tough question.

My three big reasons are stress management, dissatisfaction, and denial.

I had a pretty bumpy childhood. Even though I addressed some of those stressors/abuses via therapy, I had already ‘installed’ binge eating as a coping mechanism. I have also spent much of my life being a people pleaser and ignoring myself. That too was a source of stress, and I began to let food be the main satisfaction in my life.

I got more and more isolated and co-dependent. I got so much praise for being ‘selfless’ and a ‘team player’ in all of my jobs … and all the while I was clinically depressed and not in touch with myself at all. Eating was literally the thing I looked forward to every day. I could set up the situation just the way I wanted, soothe myself, and not have to answer to anyone. I was just in total denial about my health, and I experienced every emotion/feeling – happiness, sadness, boredom, excitement, loneliness – through food.

About 5 years ago I began to entertain WLS, and chickened out. And I did that cycle several more times.

February 2013 I began really trying to change my eating habits with accountability – I would write a food diary every day to a good friend. Not just a list of food, but also my feelings. I did that for almost a year. Honestly, my eating habits didn’t change much. But in the daily writing, I began to realize how deeply dissatisfied I am with my life, how poorly I dealt with stress, and how bad my quality of life had gotten, and how I just assumed that fun things (bike rides, hiking, travel) were just not an option for me because of my size. My friend helped me realize that I didn’t have to just ‘give up’ and I began to consider surgery again – and also I am reconsidering my career and a few co-dependent relationships! I am very excited about the future, and a better quality of life.