Where Are They Now?

Ok, it has taken me a half a day to collect my thoughts on this. I see what you are trying to say, Linda. You are sad about your peers and at the same time mindful of your own journey and the fact that it may not always be easy and you, like the "most of us" that you are referring to, may at some stage have to face and deal with regain as well. I think you are right. It isn't always roses and Lance the farting unicorn (thanks Slim!) and that is just how everything is in life. Most of our achievements are hard earned. And they are worth the fight.

I want to just dive a little in between the lines though and say that there seems to be a twinge of judgement there. Maybe I am wrong and just being sensitive, but that is the partial impact, if not the intent of the reflections in your post. At least on me. I was always too short. Not enough. I was a nerd in school, didn't hang with the popular kids. Not enough. Then I got fat. Obese. Morbidly obese. I was pleny then or there was plenty of me, but I was still not enough. After the VSG I didn't lose 100 lbs in six months. Again not enough. And now, 18 months out (hey!! I am in your peer group too!! And you know where I am!) I am within stabbing distance of the totally arbitrary number that I put on my ticker. 4 lbs. Still not enough. Darn it!! 

Is this the impact of this journey? To keep feeling this not enough thing? Is that the take away from your post, which is truth, hard truth but something that everyone considers or should? Is the "most people don't get to goal" something that should continue to be the defining factor in all this? Or the Sword of Damocles hanging over our heads whispering '...regain....regain...'?

What is interesting to me is that we should all be changing our mindset to feeling more than enough. Size 6 or 4 or 2 or 0 or 12. What we need to acknowledge is that most of us have vastly improved our quality of life and health. Most of us got rid of our co morbidities, are off all meds, sent diabetes into remission, getting fit, looking great, some of us are fortunate to have had plastic surgery and look even better than way before we got fat. Most of us have renewed and reinforced our strong and healthy relationships and ditched the toxic ones. Most of us have endless self confidence improvements and most of us are happy.

We should always stay in the game and remain vigilant and mindful. But we are enough and probably always were. 

The other thing that I must say is that it seems odd to me that this subject (most of us don't get to our goal weight) seems to be written about now and then on the boards, most of the time, if not all of the time, by those who are at or below their goal! Is there some sort of secret passage or code word that you get when you get to goal that gives you a sixth sense about how most of us don't ever get there? I am not being snarky at all, just something I observed. 

Or is it something that has to be reiterated to make sure no one gets lulled into thinking this is the easy way out? That it is a life long commitment and work? 

Overall your post pushed some sensitive buttons. Its a good thing to do once in a while. It actually had a very positive end result on me. Made me realize that I am enough and that goal weight is something that I may never attain but will never stop striving for. And that is likely to keep my own head in this game forever. I might actually lower my goal weight just for this purpose. Always have something to strive for. But be enough.

thank you so much Linda!!!

Julia-

Your reply echoes my opinions exactly.  I rarely post, but avidly read this forum.  My VSG was a few weeks before yours in August 2012.  Starting weight 199, maintaining at 132-135.  I also was an extremely slow loser, but I lost.  Yes, I lost and regained my health.  Off of 8 medications and the dreaded Cpap machine I had slept with for 12 years.  Am I at 100% EWL? No.  Am I size 2? No.  Is maintenance easy?  Absolutely not.  The most important lesson I have learned through this process is that I am ENOUGH!  I may not be able say so as eloquently as you have, but there it is... I am enough!

To those starting this journey please keep in mind something I must always remind myself:

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

Jeanne

Hi Julia, you make some wonderful points, and I agree with some of them.  I would like to address the one about "skinny people" making these type of posts.  I can only speak for myself, but I can tell you why I post this type of information.  I post it for the same reason that I post most of my posts.  I post because I need to read it and remember it (for myself).  I am very aware of the fact that staying "skinny" is a life long commitment and that the biggest enemy of this commitment is forgetting that this is unusual and not necessary permanent.  My biggest fear is not regain per se, but this forgetting and becoming less vigilant. Whenever I post something about regain, it is usually because things have gotten "to easy" and I am starting to forget.  From my personal experience with regain, that is the first step, denial, and is always followed relaxation of my rules and strategies for maintenance.  The moment I feel like I am "cured" is the moment that I begin to relapse.  Keeping my weight is a function of remembering and I post these types of posts in order to wake myself up.  I hope this explains it, I am not sure I can find better words.  Also, when I read about people losing their regain, this brings me to literal tears.  I am very aware of the pain of regain as I have had six regains of major weight in my life.  It takes incredible strength and courage to fight your way back.  The people that can do it are heroic in my eyes as are the people that fight daily to maintain their weight loss.  

I fully understand what you are saying Elina, and I agree with all that you say above. It is too easy to forget and to lose the vigilance. We are never cured! And reminding oneself of this is a key tool.

Julia, also I hope you understand (and I am pretty sure that you do) that being five years out makes it HARDER.  It is really easy to forget now.  Most of what I do is on auto pilot and that works for me most of the time.  The problem with being on auto pilot is you lose focus and if things go wrong, it is really easy to start making excuses and to look away.  REALLY easy.  Being an ostrich about my weight is what comes NATURALLY for me.  I have to actively fight that or I will regain.  Any "judgment"  you might read in my posts is ALWAYS directed mostly at myself, it is a rubber band around my wrist that I metaphorically snap in order to remember.  If you read my responses or my posts with this in mind, I think you will have a better understanding of where I am coming from and why I keep posting and responding.  Except for the people that I know and care about on here and in real life, almost all of my post are aimed directly at me. 

I do get that because you have said it many a time and I do believe you. I am only 18 months post op and I know what you mean about auto pilot and excuses. It happens and this part is super easy!!! I can only imagine what it could be like many more years into maintaining. 

I'm late getting back here and there are other responses to your post, so I won't rehash any of that.  It is indeed very hard to read between the lines or fully grasp intent.  I am often surprised by others' interpretation of what a poster said/meant because it is sometimes very different than my own.  In light of that. I try to take most things 'straight up' and like you've done here, reflect and decide what I can take away and incorporate. 

And the superstitious side of me can't help but wonder if I've tempted fate by talking about regain ;)  I do think that 'the stats' suggest that I will face regain.  It's terrifying for me to think about, but I must.  I hope I have the strength and skills to effectively deal with it. 

The intent is impossible to grasp unless you are yourself the writer. This is why there are so many different impacts. As many as there are readers, mixing your words with their own experiences and coming out with what this means to them.

i am not superstitious so I for one do not think you tempted anything by pronouncing the word regain!

Edired to add, I think this came across as judgemental! Please read in conjunction with my answer to Bob- I tried to explain myself better.

I came across this thread while browsing, I am banded not sleeved but I think it applies to me as well.

Pereonally I lost all my excess weight in 15 months (109lbs, fast for a banded person) and the reason, IMO, was simple - not doing so was, for me, not an option. My mind was so well set on "success" (defined by me as a normal BMI) that my choices and lifestyle became exactly what banded people are told these should be. I rarely "cheated", accepted stalls with equanimity. In fact, I was so fixated on the outcome that resisting temptation was generally not too difficult.

Then I started maintaining. I had to regain a bit first as I was too thin but then I established my comfort zone and basically stayed within it for about four years. Then it started to get harder. I gained 28lbs, lost them. Gained 10 , lost them. Currently I am about 25 pounds too heavy. I can still wear my US size 10 skirts but have to wear a size 12 top to hide my middle! 

My pont. I believe that reaching goal is possible for anyone who can get the correct mindset, but without that sheer determination, chances are reduced. But I have come to believe that maintaining is harder. It can be done, clearly, many succeed! Five years ago, I couldn't believe people would let themselves regain. Now, in my own turn, I am fighting. 

So if the point of this post was to say -this is hard! I agree, fully. If it was to say, many people do not reach a normal BMI, again, agreed.

But if it is to warn that people should not go into it assuming they will succeed, then I disagree. I lost simply because, in my mind, I KNEW, with total certainty, it was going to work, and that was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Had I gone into  it HOPING it would work, I would have accepted setbacks as failures and given up. 

Wow.  I am one of the people in your peer group. I am one of the people that will never ever get to 100% EWL. I am one of the people who have reached goal not once, but 3 different times as I have re- set it. I am one of the people  that don't buy into the whole thing of you have to lose 100% or you are a failure.  I am one of the people as you refer to that don't post much.

The  simple reason for not posting much is because I learned early on, if you don't buy into some programs or don't agree with some things people profess, it will and does get you blocked.  

If I lose that 100% I would look so sickly that it would have went from being the fat guy to the guy that looks like walking death. I am happy where I am at. I have only lost 85% of my EWL. If I am a failure or disapointment from your peer group I will take this time to appoligize for letting you down. But, I still cherish you as a friend and that will never change.