I AM OUT OF CONTROL

I am so out of Control.  In the last 24 hours i ate a big bag of pretzels all by myself.  I will be out 3 years in August.  At my lowest i was 182, today i am 210, and scared as hell.  I ate all day long today and it was all carbs and diet coke.   And then the roller coaster hits...... OMG I'm gaining weight.......eat to keep that fear down......OMG I cant stop..........eat to keep that fear down............ We all know how that goes and it goes on and one with different fears that pops up.  I am very scared. Please Please I need some one to talk to Gina [email protected]

Gina,  I totally know what you're going through. I notice our surgery dates are exactly one year apart. (mine was 08-16-05). For the last couple months I have been eating tons of carbs, such as crackers, candy, and whatever else I want.  I'm so ashamed of myself. I had gotten to my goal weight of 120 pounds and now I'm at 131 and rising. If I don't stop this, I'll be back where i started.  I'm going to desperately try to consume nothing that isn't clear for this next week (broth made from boullion, sugar free jello, etc.). I will allow myself some sugar free hard candy and diet soda for the simple fact that I know I will crave sweet things and I'm weak. :( I just hate myself as soon as I'm done eating something I shouldn't. I didn't have this surgery and get thin just to get fat again! Did you? No--I didn't think so. I know it's easier said that done, and I'll be surprised if I can follow my little plan for one whole day, let alone a week! I just feel like if I can do this, it will jump start me to start eating right again. Once we start eating the bad foods, such as carbs, we crave them.  So, I know what I need to do. I hope you can find something that will get you back on track. Best of luck to you.

Hi Gina,  I so feel your pain! I am 3.8 yrs out. All I can say is that we have to really think about what we are doing and why we are doing it. Thanks to an eariler post that made me really think and face some things I am getting back on track. One thing I figured out is it isn't just how we eat, it is a combination of things, we have let slip little by little without much notice. Not only do we have to eat right, but we must continue to exercise, weigh everyday or so, so that we can keep track of what we are doing so that we don't get out of control, drink our water, Just get back to basics. First and for most you have to get in the right mind set. Try to find that same thought process that you had when you first got wls. I know you can do it. You didn't come this far to go back, none of us want that. Many of us are struggling so you are not alone. Together we can pick each other up and dust ourselves off and climb back in the staddle so that we can achive the goals that we have set for ourselves. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, it can be a struggle but it is going to be so worth it! Take care----Toni [email protected]

Thanks Toni,

Right now, the guilt is getting to me.  and that makes me eat.  I guess I have been grazing.  I just realized that what i am eating isnt in big portions, however, i am eating as soon as its processed.  so basically every half an hour, not much, but i guess enough to gain 30 pounds.  And the weird thing about it, is that i crave my protein bars and i eat about 3-5 a day.  and thats at a 240 calorie pop.  (no sugar, 1carb)  but i am eating it at 11pm too.  I guess its that, i need to feel full thing again. 

Thanks so much for your email.

Gina

Hi Gina,  When was the last time that you had blood work done? The reason I am asking is, because you aren't craving junk. You may have a deficiency. Do you take supplements? There may be something in those bars that you are missing.   As far as feeling of full I don't think I will ever feel that full satisfaction that I use to feel. If I do get a full feeling it is an over full miserable feeling I hate so I try not to get there either. I think I know what you mean though I use to think I wasn't feeling full, but I think it is more of not feeling satisfied. I don't eat slow like I use to and I wonder if that contributes to the problem. Because we can only eat small amounts we are done relatively fast if we don't concously slow down when we eat. That has always been a problem for me. I think that is something else I need to work on. I hope you are feeling a little better I just hope you know that you aren't alone in this. Good luck -----Toni

Gina, it can be like a vicious cycle that is SO hard to break! I'm so sorry you're going thru this right now. I agree with having your bloodwork checked just to be sure. Also, grazing all day will lead to weight gain and its so easy to do. I've found myself in that cycle before too so I had to make a concious effort to stick with 6 small meals~I found writting it all down beforehand to be helpful, then that's what I would be eating for the day and if it wasn't on "the list" then it wasn't going in my mouth! Please don't beat yourself up over this~guilt and fear can do some crazy things to us mentally. I am an emotional eater so I know where you're coming from. You've caught it early and you're aware of what's going on~now you just have to figure out how to break out of this cycle. Feel free to e me anytime you  need to talk. ((((((HUGS))))))

Gina, the more processed (white) carbs you eat, the more you want.  Here is the mechanism---you ingest a high-carb meal, your blood sugar rises sharply, insulin kicks in to counteract it, but too much kicks in, and your blood sugar plummets.  Then the low blood sugar causes you do eat again, more carbs, then it really is a roller coaster with the blood sugar going up and down and up again. Eating protein will help this.  At least eat protein with the carbs (if you have to have the carbs) to lessen the effect.  For me, it's easier to avoid the processed carbs most of the time.  No, I'm not perfect at it but I don't keep the stuff in my house.  If I'm eating a special meal out, I'll have some, but always protein first. Also, if you're eating carbs only, you're able to consume a lot of them because they're soft and go right through the pouch.  Again, if you eat solid protein first, you will fill up faster and maybe not overeat as much.  Also if you're drinking the diet coke with food you will eat much more. Stay here with us, we'll help you get through this. Hugs, Connie -147#

Well, That was the last diet coke I drink.  I was addicted to ice tea with sweet n low.  About a gallon a day.  So then i gave up the sweet n low, but still did the tea.  So one day i said let me have a sip of diet coke and the rest was history.  I was past a 2 liter.  well, its back to the ice tea with NO sweet n low for me.  However, i do have to drink with a straw.  if i have a straw i drink all day long and its gallons, if i have to drink without one, i drink only a glass.  Go figure. this is horrible to say.  on the pretzels.  i bought a big bag.  i started to eat it.  and of course put too many in my pouch and felt bad, once that subsided, i filled it again and the cycle was born.  I even thought of putting the rest of the bag in water so i wouldnt eat anymore, however, we all know i didnt do that.   Cheese doodles are a curse too.  I need crunchy.  i used to do this with popcorn, the 94% fat free one.  well, its time to go back to that. And of course, i really needed to come back to the boards.  This is what will keep me sane Thanks Gina

Gina, here's what I do when I want the salty/crunchy fix:  I take a piece of string cheese (part skim mozzarella) and tear it into four pieces.  Place the pieces on a piece of parchment paper (with space in between because they will spread out as they melt) and put it in the microwave, turn it on high power.  First it will melt, then it will get kind of rubbery.  Keep cooking until they get crispy.  Watch it, they will burn!  Each oven is different, each cheese is different.  When you take the pieces out, you will see that some of the fat has separated out, blot them with a paper towel.  What you have is a crunchy, salty snack that is healthy and not carby!  All four pieces total 8 grams of protein and 80 calories (actually less than that because you have blotted off some of the fat). Better for you than popcorn, pretzels, or cheese doodles!  And to me it's just as good if not better in taste. Maybe this could be your late-night planned snack in place of the 250-calorie bar?  Remember planned snacks (included in your calorie allotment for the day) are not considered grazing. You're right, keep coming back here, we're here to support you and encourage you. Connie

(X-posted to the main board.) First off, kudos to you for being honest.  Some of us have already been there, done that , and got the 2X tee shirt to prove it. Out of control is to be expected at some point. It's very common (more so than anyone would want to share) in us longer term post op WLS'ers.  Why?  Because.  Weight Loss Surgery (any form) does not tame the beast - the addictive/overeating/binging beastie that many of us have.  How could it?  WLS rearranges guts, NOT brains.  After our surgeries - (my personal opinion/take on this) we're in a state of forced anorexia.  It's blissful (well, sort of) because we lose weight easily and shrink away, sometimes even to goal or too far.  Then, the brain comes back, the brain says, "Feed me you jerk!  I need me PRETZELS."  (For me, this occurred shortly after 18 months and continued to 24 months and through a pregnancy.  Now, I'm 36 months out and beating the beastie over the head, repeatedly.) After the forced anorexia wanes, and the brain comes back and demands the refilling of fat cells, some turn more toward a selective binge-eating disorder.  It's a constant grazing, all day picking, eating foods that don't make us very sick, but doing it in such excess that we regain, slowly, but surely.  We forget how little calories it takes to creep back up.  We can trick ourselves into thinking it's not so bad -- "what harm is in a stack of rice cakes, come on!"  We may choose foods like those simple carbs, because they Go Down Easily and many people do not get sick or dump. We can easily eat salty carbs, stacks of rice cakes, packages of graham crackers, saltines, Ritz crackers, etc.  (How many of you are reading this and going "Oh my God, me too?!")  It may take all day, but we can polish off boxes and bags of crap (and healthy food) just by binging slowly. I haven't read the thread yet, but other people will tell you to "go back to basics."  They will say the surgery "didn't fix your brain."  They'll say "you need therapy."  New post ops or pre ops will say "I thought that WLS wouldn't fail!"  You can't really listen to any of that.  You have to do it for yourself and figure out your triggers and move on.  You need to talk to other people in your predicament.  There are many post-op WLS'ers out here (and everywhere) that are dealing with this, and some are too freaking scared to admit it.  Some, even, at three years or more have regained all lost excess weight.  Some have regained 1/4 to 1/2 of the lost weight and maintain there.  It's just reality.  It is up to each of us as individuals to find the right support and balance to figure out how WE can get to goal and maintain without this roller coaster of weight gain/loss for life. What sucks most - is that we went through such a drastic "life-saving" procedure to lose the excess weight, to only have to deal with it forever anyways.  While I knew it wasn't a "cure" - I thought for certain it wouldn't take so much time and energy to deal with the after effects, either.