Please Tell Me I'm Not The Only One

Brendon M.
on 6/16/07 9:18 am - Rehoboth Beach, DE

I had GBS in August of 2004.  My starting weight was 350lbs.  I now float around 180lbs.  My question is, Does anyone else deal with bingeing?  It happens about once a week or so and the loss of control scares the hell out of me.  Since I don't do it that often and I excercise quite regularly I haven't experienced much of a weight gain.  Thank god.  When it happens I feel like someone has taken control of my mind and body.  The whole time I am shoving food in my mouth I am asking myself what are you doing?  Then after I get full I'll tell myself this was the last time and a half hour later I'm doing it again.  I don't think this is emotional eating.  When it happens, it happens for no rhyme of reason. I can't trace it back to anything.  Sometimes I go 2 or 3 weeks without an episode and eat healthy.  Sometimes too healthy or too restrictive and I think that is the problem.  I am an all or nothing kind of person.  I can't just allow myself one cookie or treat daily.  That opens the door to 10 cookies so I choose not to eat any.  Then after a few weeks when I finally give in, all hell breaks loose and it winds up turning into a binge.  Then instead of just stopping and trying to recover, I figure too late to turn back and wind up making a day of it.  I guess guys get eating disorders too.  The thing that scares me the most other than the possibility of gaining weight and undoing what I have have spent the last 3 years accomplishing is the lack of control I feel when this is happening.  Its like I am watching myself screwing up but I can't do anything about it.  Before you guys respond with get some counseling, I know that would probably do some good.  This surgery really does screw with your head.  I know that if this behavior continues, I could possibly go back to what I was and I certainly don't want that.  Knowing this, why do I do it.  Is anyone else dealing with this or have gotten through this and how did you or do you handle it?  I don't think it was this bad before surgery when I was fat.  Thanks in advance for any responses. Brendon

(deactivated member)
on 6/16/07 10:02 am - Leander, TX
Brendon, You are not alone, for sure.  I had an eating disorder before surgery and was still cleared to have it.  My brain definitely still has the binge mentality and since I don't do anything to purge it, I have gained weight.  I usually binge once a week and like you said, it starts with one mistake and I make a day of it.  The kids might be having waffles or biscuits or something I know I shouldn't have for breakfast and I eat one.  Then, I figure I might as well get all those favorite forbidden foods out of the way.  My binge mentality takes over to the point that I can get in the car and drive 30 minutes to my favorite donut store, knowing the entire drive that I am planning to binge and not being able to talk myself out of it.  Then, I get angry with myself, feel guilty, and work really hard to undo the damage for about a week.  Then, it repeats.  I have been in counseling and the source of my trouble hasn't been discovered.  Like everyone else, my childhood wasn't perfect, but my eating disorder was about control.  I hate being out of control and being anorexic gave me this artificial empowerment.  Then, when I gave in and ate, I discovered bulimia.  I stopped purging years later when I was married and pregnant with my first child.  I went into counseling, took medications, and stopped making myself puke.  However, the binging never went away.  It was a constant cycle of eating really healthfully and working out to binging out of control.  Slowly over the years, the binges outweighed the healthy eating and I gained enough to be morbidly obese.  The surgery fixed that because I couldn't eat much, but I still binged.  I always have and I am not sure if it's something that will ever go away.  I think counseling will probably help you as you already mentioned.  Overeaters anonymous supposedly is a very supportive group too.  There are others on here that have written about binging too.  I can think of a few recent posts about it, maybe a week ago on this forum.  As far as getting through it, I try to stop myself at the first bad thing and NOT make a day of it.  I try to tell myself it was a goof up, but then I drink my protein shake and try to move on like it didn't happen.  One bad meal choice is just that, one bad choice.  I make myself a protein shake as my "medicine" and it helps control the cravings and buffers the damage a little because my binges are always on carbs.  I try to get right back into thinking healthy thoughts.  It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does and I feel at peace knowing I regained control that time.  My surgeon wants me to treat carbs and sugars as if it were a drug, like I am a true addict.  He said that if I loved someone who was an alcoholic, would I let them have just a taste of alcohol at dinner?  Of course not!  So, that's how I am suppose to look at sugar and carbs.  It's a constant battle and at first I was afraid to admit that I binged because I thought people would be angry that I had been approved for surgery with the long history of eating disorders.  I have never gotten flamed for it though.  This forum has been really supportive.  Now the main board isn't so safe.  Best of luck to you on getting through this.  Sincerely, Angela
trilliian
on 6/16/07 11:39 am - Monroe, NY
Brendon, I am just past a year..and have done very well...and YES, I do and have had times of binging.. sometimes I still get sick quickly from it...other times..I dont,,,then feel bad that I went through all I did..only to still have issues of control...you are not alone...I dont go to a support group..I did shortly after the surgery for a few times...then stopped..I am thinking of going back,,,,I think it might help...you are NOt alone int he struggle... Lisa
Sueofastor
on 6/16/07 12:00 pm - Jackson Heights, NY
I can identify with this also.  I am almost 14 months out and have done really well with my weight loss.  I find that every few weeks I feel like I could just shovel food in my mouth endlessly.  Sometimes (and this is hard for me to admit), I eat and I know I will end up tossing it back up, not because I dump, but because it's too much for my stomach, so I figure that I got the taste and then I throw it back up.  I have made an appt for counseling because this scares me.  I wish I could find the source of what triggers me because I want food to be less of an obsession with me.  I don't want to think so much about what I am going to eat, I want it to matter less to me than it does.  My doctor is a not a fan of protein shakes so I just started doing them after researching and listening to others.  I'm hoping that this will help with the cravings. I just wanted to wish you the best with your struggle and let you know that you're not alone. Take care, Sue

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres

 

rikamie
on 6/16/07 1:26 pm
I have not had surgery yet, but I binge and just posted on the RNY board this very topic.  Brandon, we used the same words !  I am scared to have this surgery and then still binge and fail. I see it can be a way to control myself, though.  I can't quite figure out what to do.
Karen Renee
on 6/16/07 1:27 pm - Winter Park, FL
Oh, I was feeling so sorry for myself today since I have been so out of control with food.  For the last 4 months or so every stress, tension or bad thing that happens to my daughter or to me or family, my old binging ways begin.  I am almost 6 years out.  I was at 123 , but now at 135.   I have since surgery not had to think about food, I just ate my breakfast, lunch and dinner and pretty much similar kinds of food.  I enjoyed them.  Had my three meals a day and 8 oz of milk 2 times a day with a v-8. 

Now I'm all over the place, eating jelly beans, Iced coffe from starbucks or worse yet iced coffee from dunkin donuts.  I've let these litte thing creep into my life and I want so depserateley to go back to the non thinking way of eating.  Now all I think about is food.  Before, all I thought about was what nice new outfit to wear.  I think I know why...because my daughter is going through eating disorder problems at this time. 

It just dawned on me.  First she was anorexic and now binge eating and back to a quasi anorexic state.  She is getting help from a nutrionist who only deals with eating disorders and also a a mental health worker who only deals with eating disorders.  I wonder if her condition has brought back the memory of my old habits and maybe I'm trying to make up for her lack of eating or some strange thing like that.  When she binges it gives me permission.  I don't know just started really thinking about how this ties into my daughters problems.  Maybe I feel responsible, guilt....very interesting things to discuss with my counselor or even hers since I might be making her worse as well.  Like a vortex.  UMMMMMMM.  I never would have thought about any of this if you hadn't have brought this up.  In asking for help for yourself you have helped others too.
niecey
on 6/16/07 9:25 pm - Wilmington, NC
Hi Brendon- First of all - Rehoboth!!!  I used to spend summers there - originally from Wilmington DE.  I haven't been in a while but planning on something this summer or next. I started going to counseling before I had WLS for this very thing.  I am a perfectionist.  It's all or nothing with me too.  Restriction plays a HUGE role with me also. I would go on severe diets after binging to punish myself for comforting myself with food.   The reason this happens is totally personal.  I am still to this day trying to figure out why I did it and why I still get ideas to do it still.  I fantasize about doing it but can't now due to my small pouch.  Anyway, my reasons so far are:  boredom, LONELINESS, low self esteem, poor body image, feelings of worthliness, and the list can go on and on.  Anyway, I'm still working on substituting healthy nurturing behaviors instead of comforting myself with food.  Your list that you can use to do this is very personal. Feel free to send me a personal e-mail if you need to know anything else or need anymore support and we can chat.  Hang in there and know you can fix this - you are SO worth it.

wantstowin2
on 6/16/07 10:22 pm - Los Angeles, CA
Dear Brendon, I binge too.  I had WLS in December of 2005 and am down to 124 lbs.  I feel great, I exercise every day ( walk 4 miles), and watch what I eat.  But I still have what I call "head hunger".  I think this is emotional eating and it's also so hard to get rid of old habits.  I was so used to binging before this surgery.  I am definitely glad that I had this surgery but it is a tool, nothing more, and I had to adjust my lifestyle accordingly.  I have taken up knitting so that I don't eat while I watch t.v.  It has helped me so much.  I drink what I need and eat what I want.  That is to say, I drink two protein shakes (equivalent to 55 grams) each day and eat whatever I want at night.  I am eating too much sugar and am trying to cut back on that.  One thing I do every day is keep track of my weight and log it on Fitday.com.  Good luck to you!   Janet
JennyA
on 6/18/07 1:04 am - Eagan, MN
Brendon, No you are not the only one.  The surgery was only below the neck, we still have to deal with what goes on above. I just got an e-newsletter from a local nutritionist and, lo and behold, this month's topic is all about compulsive eating.  Here's a link to her article on causes of compulsive eating (http://www.weightandwellness.com/cause_compulsive_eating).  Like any other advice you read on OH, read it, research it and decide if it is for you. Take care, J ;-) I am walking 60 miles in 3 days to end Breast Cancer.  Wanna help? http://www.the3day.org/twincities07/jennifer_arriola
Unconventional_Beaut
y

on 6/19/07 5:16 am - MI
I'm still pre-op, but definitely struggle with binge eating and emotional eating.  There is an AWESOME book that can really help teach you to break the cycle, learn nurturing behaviors, break the shame, etc (and I HATE self-help books!) You may be able to find it at your local library: "Feeding the Hungry Heart" by Geneen Roth. love, Heather
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