If Ever I could post anonymously....

It would be now... First of all, before I start, Thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate all of your wisdom and insights.  Ok, here's the deal. I know that we are all constantly evolving, changing, growing.  Along with our bodies, our personalities and little quirks change too. I usually see myself and a pretty outgoing, fun, confident person. As far as I can tell, people really think I am great and tell me I'm a "hoot". I am not a quiet person. I am a brash, fun, blond from Texas but am also ususally sensitive to others and a good friend.  I'm almost 3 years postop. However, lately, I have noticed some rather disturbing things about myself. Whenever I am in a social gathering I tend to do two things without meaning to. After I do them, the thought of what I have done keep haunting me until I finally overcome it through prayer and meditation...then do it again. I just want to stay home! But that is totally depressing! Here is the problem: I keep bringing up the fact that I have lost a lot of weight. I kind of do it as a joke on myself. Often times there are also heavier people present when I do this. Example: At a social gathering in a friends home last week I popped some morsel of food into my mouth and remarked, "Yep! I am just a 250 pound girl locked in a skinny body!" Then I proceded to laugh and so did everyone else. After that I just felt sick to my stomach after going home. Then I couldn't get it out of my mind. Finally after a heart to heart with myself I forgave me and decided not to talk like that again. Then again last night I did the same thing in a larger group of people. There were about 8 of us sitting around on some couches and I said something else about how I have lost a lot of weight and "that's why I know how to dress for comfort" I was wearing one of those maternity "A"  line tops that are real popular nowadays. As I looked around there were some of my overweight friends and I felt so dumb/small/shameful, ect. I also keep cutting myself down without being able to stop. Not like "I'm a loser" or anything like that! Just like when we were all learing a new game I said, "If Tim thinks it's hard that makes me feel better! LOL!" Tim is the doctor friend in the group who could not understand the game either. I really don't think moms are dumber than doctors. Why am I saying this? Oh gosh...WTH am I doing here??? Why do I keep poking fun at myself? Am I trying to get a cheap laugh? Attention? Make myself feel worthy of something? Ok, ok, I KNOW these are only questions I can answer. But in the meantime, has anyone had trouble with their self esteem slipping? This is embarrasing!

I'm in the same boat. I tried something, though. I tried just once going out into a store and not bringing it up. Not making reference to anyone being fat. I walked out of the store and to my car and breathed a sigh of relief...I never once made mention of my ever having been fat. I had my picture changed on my driver's license so that I don't have to explain it to anyone who needs to see my license so there's no logical reason to bring it up to people I don't even know...So now I just (once in a while) make a conscious effort not to bring it up.

Maybe it would be easier for you to not bring it up in front of strangers first...Then try a whole conversation without bringing it up in front of people who know about it... Just a thought...I'm no expert by any means but I do believe in baby steps when you have some distance to travel.

YES! I finally got a new DL picture and boy do I feel free of having to show off my old pic. Sometimes I still do but it is lessening over time. Thanks for your thoughts!!!

It's a coping strategy.  Your mind just hasn't caught up yet and you're constantly trying to convince yourself that you are skinny now!  It's also a way of heading off anyone else...  I get it from my dad, he'll say "should you be eating that?" if I take one bite of anything.  So I beat him to it.  And, subconsciously, you're probably even hoping for affirmation from everyone else - you need to hear that you're intelligent and beautiful, so you give them an opportunity to contradict your self-disparaging comments.  I think it's pretty normal, but even so it's time to face the world with the confidence that you are the best thing since sliced bread and you don't need anyone else's opinion on that!  And, by the way, you are beautiful and obviously intelligent! 

Yes, I am skinnier now, but have gained weight so, it is on my mind even more. And about the affirmation...I am always guilty of searching for that. I *thought* I had grown a lot in that area over the past couple years but obviously it still comes up. Thanks for your words of encouragment. Molly

After years of self esteem problems did you think it would go away in a day.. no way. it is our defense system protecting us from being hurt. if we put ourselves down than it doesnt hurt if others do the same or concur with what we say. It's a way of hiding the person you really are inside. Do you still walk the streets looking down or is your head high giving eye contact to the people around you.. I bet not. its because we have spent so much time being invisible and wanting to hide that now that we have come out.. we dont know how to act. we are uncomfortable so make sport of ourselves and belittle all we have accomplished. we are also looking for that compliment.. or justification that we have done something good. its a whole lot of things that we as fat people in a skinny body need to work through.

I dont have the answers but feel the same way you do and know that I have made the same mistakes without thinking and wonder why I do what I do.

Thanks very much. Sometimes it is nice to know we are not alone in this. I forget. Usually I exude confidence and feel great! People probably even think I am a little much. I just feel great but then when I keep slipping up with these kinds of crazy self depreciating comments it makes me wonder what is going on! Hugs! Molly BTW, I have been working out like a fiend and thinking of you and all of the other fitness nuts on this board...now I ARE one, LOL!

i have to agree with the other gals' comments but i also wonder if we don't secretly miss the "attention' we got when we were first losing- the mini milestones- the look at me's!!! we have become more "normal looking" so we are not getting attention and-face it--it felt good before-  jmho----- thank you for bringing this subject out tho--i think it needs to be talked about!

Margeo, you are right about the attention. Maybe I need to chop off all my hair now. Just kidding! LOL! I think deep down I DO miss the attention of being the "incredible shrinking woman" and all that silliness ppl tell you when you are losing fast and furious.

Everyone else had such great insight into this and I agree with them. I also have found myself from time to time saying things like that with  no clue why~I feel like I put my foot in my  mouth! Anyway, good answers girls~you've all given me something to think about today!