Accept or fight?

I looked at a picture of myself taken on Sunday and I do look fat. I have put back on 40 pounds since my lowest and I am disgusted. I am going to see a shrink tomorrow who specializes in WLS patients. This weekend I was sitting around trying to think of what is up with me? I just want to eat all the time. I am not even hungry and I still feel this extremely strong urge to eat. I just want to eat. I weigh 210 pounds right now and there is no excuse. None of my clothes fit and strangers are making remarks (online when seeing pictures of me) that I look fat. I thought all this was behind me and I am so angry. I don't know what it is about me that I want to destroy myself. Maybe I never felt the great feeling of being thin because when I was gigantic I thought I looked okay. I don't know. It'll be interesting to talk to this shrink. I am back to the plus sizes and it ****** me off to have to go to the jumbo stores again. Now I am afraid to eat anything at all, yet the compulsion is there to just sit and pig out. You know, on the things (slider foods) where you can put away a lot. High calorie stuff like potato chips, cookies, etc. Comfort food. Why do I need all this comfort? Oh well. I need to be back at my fighting weight of 170 (where I wore a size 12) by May 1. that's the goal. -=db=-

I have that compulsion too and fight tooth and nail to conquer it.  Some days, I do fine.  Other days, I say eff it and give in.  I'm curious to know how it goes with the pych., so keep us posted.  I've been debating whether or not to see one myself. Good luck! Brandi :~)

DeeBee:

I don't have any answers, but I can definitely feel your pain!!  I am up almost 20 lbs from my lowest weight.  It is extremely  frustrating to see the scales going up and knowing we're doing it to ourselves!!  I ask myself why I seem to be self sabotaging my weight loss too!  We've heard so many times that they don't do surgery to our heads!!  So very true!!   I, sometimes will start eating any and every thing I can find!  Not huge portions, but constant grazing!  It will seem like nothing is satisfying my hunger and or cravings.  I'll eat one thing, it doesn't do it, so I try something else.  I think seeing a counsler is a great idea!   I'm sure the hunger I feel is mostly "head hunger"   You were checked out mechanically weren't you?  I was thinking you had posted about getting tested fpr mechanical failure?  I do feel as though my stoma is enlarged.  Everything seems to move through and doesn't satiate me long enough.  It does matter whether I've had dense protein or slider foods.  Meat does keep me full longer.  The most frustrating thing is we know what we need to do, we've done it before!  It's getting the mind set to go back to the rules!  I, too, thought my days of dieting  were over, but here I am again, needing to take control back, and eat properly.  I really agree with the surgeons *****quire counseling preop.  most of us end up needing this surgery because we're food addicts, and with many programs, our addiction is never addressed.  chin up, you are a beautiful woman and worthwhile person!!!!!  Best of luck with the counseling, don't give up on yourself!!!   DeeAnn

 

When I do eat the solid foods, as I am now (got a grilled chicken breast, edamame and a peach for dessert for lunch) I fill up fast and it stays with for a while, but then it seems all of a sudden, 45 minutes later I'm feeling starved. Like I haven't eaten anything in weeks. There has to be something mechanical to that. I have had the full on thyroid check, everything, there isn't anything physically wrong with me. -=db=-

I looked at your profile and I just hate what you said about yourself - "I'm fat and ugly" - it's just not true. You're not fat and you're sure not ugly. I can understand your wanting to weigh 170 pounds (that was my original goal weight - I know lots of women my height that look good at 170 pounds), and I'm sure you can get back there. But dang, I just hate seeing somebody like you have such a bad opinion of herself. I'd do anything to have your pretty face and hair. I'm sure the people that know you think you're a very special lady.

I need to post recent pictures. I really do look bad. I have been begging my surgeon for copies of my before pictures but they are taking their sweet time getting them to me. Thanks for the kind words, but it isn't how I feel. I am a single and I go to a lot of singles events, meet single men all the time and i may as well be wallpaper. I've been told I have a "great personality" and we all know what that means...... -=db=-

Hi DB,

I'm right there with you but I got a handle on it last week and have dumped 9 pounds.  Here's what was going on and what I decided to do, not that it is the correct thing to do, but so far it has worked for me.

I was getting up in the morning as if I was in a concentration camp and had had no food for days. Only this was every frippin day.  I really thought I was losing my mind.  I am still in the 4-5 oz meals but you can still gain wt when it's the wrong food and happens 8-10 times a day and I still felt like I was starving.  But, there were lots of times when nothing sounded really good - just that I needed to eat.

Soooooo - (I'm taking a deep breath and I'm just gonna blurt it out)  I did go to a hypnotherapist.

We talked for an hour and then I was under for 50 min, then we talked for another 10 min.  I can't honestly say that that did it for me but I'm back on track, not touching or craving carbs of any sort, and it's like the first 6 months post-op, I am fighting to get even 1200 calories in..   It's so fabulous and I'm so glad this came up on the board because as I'm typing this it's becoming another WOW moment - I've been missing my tool and now I have it back.   

I know the big H doesn't work for everyone, but I think it might have worked for me - I'll post more in a week or so with further results - good or not so good.

Best of luck with your counselor.  It sounds like a great place to start. And you've made the big decision that it's time - better now than la. . . . (no, don't even think about that)  Keep us posted on how it's going. P.S.  I was so tired of thinking of food - I thought I would lose my mind. 

That's great, hey, whatever works! I know that I am not suggestable for hypnotherapy, it doesn't work for me. I know a number of counselors who do it and say that not everyone can be put under. I am upset enough to not fool myself into thinking that big honkin bagel with honey/walnut cream cheese won't effect my weight. That's how I got here in the first place. -=db=-

(very long--sorry) I cannot tell you how much I can relate to your post, and I appreciate so much your putting it out there like that.  We are in different life situations, but I have always read your posts and have always really "felt your pain."   I am 58, very happily married, newly retired since May (which I am SO HAPPY about), have 3 grown kids that my dh & I have a great relationship w/, have 3 adorable young grandsons who are the love of my life, have a good social life w/ good friends, active in our church, have close extended family, and  doing well financially.  Now, how in the h*ll does that all add up to a person who struggles w/ food addiction & post-wls issues????  (My obesity started when I was 22 & my parents were both killed in a plane crash . . . but that was many years ago . . . feel I have dealt w/ those issues . . . and have had a wonderful life . . . certainly am at a very happy time of my life now.) I went through the wls like a breeze, was completely "on my plan" for about 18 mo., then although I loosened up a bit, still managed to maintain within a 5-lb. range for about another year.  But for the past year, I've just gradually sunk back into most of the horrible habits I had pre-wls.  I don't eat the huge amounts at one sitting like I did back then, but my food choices and my grazing have been ****il very recently) totally off the wall.  Unfortunately, I don't dump on anything.  I feel pretty much the way I did before wls as far as battling the junk-carbs.  The only difference is that, in addition to grazing on bad stuff, I do also eat the healthy foods too.  (Before wls, I seriously had many days that I hardly ate a healthy thing all day.) And the other good thing is that I have been pretty consistent w/ my exercising.  I've belonged to a couple different gyms since a few mo. post-wls, and with a few brief "lapses," I've stuck with it.  I am NOT, however, nearly as good about it as I was the first 2 years.   I have never had any kind of therapy and think I would benefit greatly from someone who specializes in wls clients, but I have not pursued looking for one--it would definitely be a significant distance from where I live and, of course, would come out-of-pocket. I look ahead and see me battling my weight non-stop just like I have my whole adult life.  I knew wls was not "magic," but I really didn't accept that (for me) I'd come to the point where it's almost completely up to me just "doing it."  I would give anything if I was one of the people whose surgery restricted them from eating certain things long-term!! How many times pre-wls I just FANTASIZED that if I could just somehow get down to a good weight, I'd keep it off!  And how many times I'd hear someone say, "I just can't get this 20 lbs. off!" (or 30 lbs. or whatever--it all seemed like a trivial amount to me!!)--and I'd want to just slap them!  Now I'm in that position, and I still can't handle it. I have managed to eek off about 7 lbs. since the holidays, but it has been a roller-coaster.  I can be really good for several days & start losing, and then just fall apart and immediately re-gain.  My body cuts me no slack whatsoever.  I did the 5dpt last week and lost 8 lbs.--glorious!--but I am struggling this week and have already gained 3 of those lbs. back (which I somewhat expected after being on such a high-protein regimen).   I'm sorry about rambling on & on--(I could vent for PAGES!)--I just wanted to let you know  you're not this horrible failure and certainly not alone!!  (In spite of all I've said, I am still happy I had the wls--I'll weigh 185 any day over 295.  But I could so easily keep gaining & gaining.)  I too feel the embarrassment of knowing that people can tell I've gained.  I will be so curious about your therapy--PLEASE keep us posted! 

Jo

 

Talk about the trivial amounts of weight we hear skinny people crab about, we have this little ol' gal at the office who probably weights less than I did when I was 10 whine about needing to lose about 10 pounds. She's already wearing a size -0-. That's -0-. Yes, I said size -0- and she complaints she's too "fat". I just want to stand up and say "Who do you think you are?? You have no idea what it's really like to fight with your own body and really *need* to lose weight" Huh, try 100+ pounds to lose then come talk to me. She isn't suffering from anything but "I Need Attention" syndrome where people will just go "Aw, you're not fat, you're so cute, you don't need to lose any weight". So far so good today though. When I saw that scale at 210 this morning, I got a reality check. -=db=-