Accept or fight?

This is just me talking and I'm no expert. anytime we feel out of control over any aspect of our lives, it's a difficult thing. You have to dig deep into yourself and find the power to overcome this feeling that you are out of control. You need to get control and that takes fight. Don't accept a feeling like being out of control over anything. Yes, take time out. Yes, assess yourself. If that means the 5 day pouch test or just sitting and thinking things over. You need to maintain control and get your control back... I experienced issues with being out of control last week and sat all day Friday "getting control" over just one thing in my life. Once you control that one thing, even if it's just saying no to slider food for one day, you gain control. It was extremely empowering for me and I'm much better for it now.  The question was fight or accept? I say FIGHT!

 

I also got a reality check when I saw 207 on the scale after I'd sworn I'd never see the 200's again... I've often wondered if maybe I just cannot visualize myself as a *thin* person, and therefore subconsciously have sabotaged my chances to get to (and stay at!) goal... But I finally figured out it's a matter of DOING IT, instead of finding reasons as to why I'm not doing it... I do believe this time I will make it happen (I've just ~barely~ left the 190's ;-).  I have a whole new and improved attitude that I never did attain before... And guess what?  So can you! Now... what are we going to do about you meeting a REAL man... you know... the kind of man who is not vain, shallow and stooooopid and actually cares about the true beauty inside you?  Hello! :-) I really really love and recommend the book "Losing the last 30 pounds" (link is in my siggy below)... it's such a no-nonsense approach and it really helped me get the right mindset on...  I'm glad you're going to see somebody who can help you sort it all out... I wish you the best!!! Angie

I think I have never really accepted that I can be a "thin" person. I think it bleeds into every aspect of my life. When I was "fat girl" I would pretty much accept the fact that that's what I was and any guy I met I would therefore play that role, where I could be yer pal, but nothing more because I know that no guys wants a fat chick, even fat guys (still have a hard time figuring that one out). So I still think of myself as fat girl, and therefore take my place on the food chain as such. Something I aim to work on in therapy. -=db=- Right now, I am trying to resist the vending machine. I feel the need to much, on really bad things like Cheez-Its

Well, I "ain't" no therapist meself... but!  I think the first thing Ms. DeeBee just HAS to work on is learning how to REALLY love her beautiful self!   I did a little Googling to find something about loving yourself... and the universe totally guided me to find this just for you... wow :-) ~~~~~

Creative Ways to Transform Challenges: Loving and Nurturing Yourself

Why Am I So Hungry?  Mary Rexford, Ph.D.   On some days, I am simply "insatiable". I eat a meal, have second helpings. I snack. I cannot still be hungry, and yet I want more. Stuffing myself with food at such times, when I am already full, takes me into the horror of feeling out of control. I used to be afraid of growing fat. Now, I simply want my clothes to fit. I don't want to overtax my digestive system. Most of all, I simply want to be able to enjoy food and stop eating when I've had enough. And so I ask myself, What is going on? Why am I so hungry?   I have thought about these questions long and hard. I have pondered my own struggles, which began in adolescence, and those of many people I sat with during my years as a practicing psychologist. These are some of my thoughts on the subject. These reflections are offered in the spirit of sharing, personal and professional, and are meant to help you find new ways to care for and truly nourish yourself, to help you find what you need more than food in those insatiable times.   I have come to view my obsession with food on those days as a symptom. It is telling me that my spirit is not getting what it needs. My hungry self has turned to food as a substitute for that which is missing. One thing that has been missing for me, particularly during the years in which my suffering was the most intense, was love. I am not talking about the love of a partner, a parent, or close friend; but rather the love that comes from within, an unconditional love that can only come from myself. A love that offers me compassion and forgiveness, faith and trust in my own goodness and ultimate possibilities. Only in the presence of such love can I experience true permission to be as I am, where I am, in the struggles I have, without trashing myself or feeling "wrong".   When I find myself eating or wanting to eat even though I'm full, it frightens me. I'm afraid that once again I'll go to bed stuffed and wake up feeling fat and ashamed. So I attempt to get the upper hand over my hungry self. I slip into harsh, critical messages, like those I heard in the past - from my parents, my first husband, or worst of all, from myself. "What is the matter with you?" "Get control of yourself!" If I yell at myself for being so hungry and so screwed up, my fear will grow. This is the stuff binges are made of.   As I have become more able to notice those messages and more aware of their damaging impact, I have been increasingly committed to developing and practicing new ways of responding. I want to heal from the mistakes of the past. I want to free myself from domination by a shaming, blaming voice, and to practice offering comfort, holding and love when my child inside, my spirit, is in pain. ONE OF THE WAYS SHE MOST CLEARLY SHOWS ME HER PAIN IS WITH INSATIABLE HUNGER. It's a flashing red light. A part of me is hurting.   We all need a voice of reassurance, that holds and comforts us in hard times, a kind of holding we had too little of when we were little and needed it most. A kind of holding we need to learn to give ourselves in adult life. No one can be the mother or father I didn't have. No one is always with me, to see and understand that deepest, most hurt and frightened part of me, comfort her and ask for nothing in return. Life will sometimes leave me feeling empty and alone. I may be too busy to notice that anything is wrong, and then comes a powerful surge of hunger, out of nowhere, signaling my distress.   When I'm feeling afraid and saying mean things to myself, what I really need is a loving place within where I can hold myself, where I can say, "There, there, it's OK." MY FRIGHTENED SELF NEEDS THAT KIND OF COMFORT, SOOTHING, AND ACCEPTANCE OF HER DISTRESS. THAT IS WHAT LOVING MYSELF LOOKS AND SOUNDS LIKE.   This may all seem obvious to you, even trite. You may be impatient for something more meaty. You may feel like you've heard it all before. When we're in pain, we become frustrated by feedback that doesn't seem complete enough. We want answers. I would encourage you to acknowledge your impatience without letting it stop you from thinking about these ideas.   Look at your automatic ways of responding to your own insatiability. Think about how your spirit might signal your distress. Maybe insatiability is not the only way your being tries to get your attention, to let you know something's up, that you're having a hard time. Maybe your flashing red light is when you find yourself unwilling to eat real food, wanting mostly sweets. Or mostly caffeine. Or not wanting to eat at all.   Think about what might be missing for you, what void you may be using food to fill. Look at how you tend to respond to yourself in those times of need. Listen. It's amazing how harsh the loathing that goes on inside our heads can be, and how we have become so accustomed to it that we don't even notice. These are times of real need. Consider what you might do for yourself. Find small comforts. A cup of tea while you write in your journal, a bath or a walk. Take time to interrupt the frenzy of your day and the harshness of your inner chatter to quietly be with yourself, to practice the spirit of loving compassion. Even if it flies in the face of your old beliefs.   Chew on this, breathe with it, stretch with it, sit with it, and let whatever happens out of that be enough for now. Try letting go of the hope for something that will immediately make sense to you, completely satisfy you, make everything fall into place. It is small pieces, one at a time, over time, that afford us the kind of self- awareness that leads to new behaviors, in the realm of issues with food, or anything else.   The challenge is to relax, accept. To choose to say, this is my struggle. I might as well embrace it. Allow it. Rejecting, hating, fighting it, will get me nowhere. Here I am, in the middle of it, exactly where I need to be. Sometimes I am so unsure. Clarity is hidden, as if by fog and clouds.   YET OCCASIONALLY THE FOG LIFTS. THE CLOUDS CLEAR, AND I GET A GLIMPSE OF SOMETHING THAT IS TRUE. I FEEL A MOMENT OF DEEP UNDERSTANDING WITHIN MYSELF, AND SEE THE PROSPECT OF BEING ABLE TO EAT WHEN I AM HUNGRY AND THEN MOVE ON TO OTHER PURSUITS. I CAN BEGIN TO TASTE THE DELICIOUS FREEDOM OF SAYING, "I'M NOT GOING TO EAT THIS. I'VE HAD ENOUGH."    Excerpted from a work in progress (c) 1999 Mary Rexford. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author. Mary Rexford is a psychologist turned writer.

 

Hi, DB.  I'm glad to hear your seeking help from a therapist - hopefully they will help you figure some things out, so you can make changes and move forward.  Although there are common threads in our stories, we all become obese for various reasons.  Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint those underlying issues and work through them, but I sincerely hope that you are able to do so.   Good luck on your continuing journey -  Kellie

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here are my muses - I have had to fight with my body every pound along this journey since wls.  I have been stuck at this weight for nearly a year even though I have been sticking to what I should be doing 95% of the time.  I have no idea why it is easier for some than others, but that seems to be the way it is.  But you have summed it up in your title, fight or accept... Well, there is NO WAY that I am going to accept that this is it.  I have come too far and worked too hard to stay here where I still have lots of belly fat and can't fit inot the clothes size that I'd like, even though in clothes people say I look fine. And there is no reason you have to stay where you are and accept it.  It may be the most difficult thing you do in your life, but fight it all the way and don't let the fat win. I hope you do really well and that your therapy helps.  Please let us know how you get on. PS. as for creeps who have judged you on how you look rather than who you really are - stick your tongue out at them - you deserve better and there is a man out there who you may not have met yet, who will love you for who you are, not what you look like.  Please do not allow this creep to mess up your eating and self image - he is not worth giving that power over you  hugsxxx

Im sorry you are having a tough time... use your anger and direct it and having a showdown with those urges! ( easier said than done) Does it help if you keep busy??  I know on days I work I fly by but when home its in my thoughts alot! Glad your catching it now... and good luck to you, you can DO IT !! Hugs Linda

DB~  I think alot of us here feel that way, even alot more then we might want to admit. To be honest with you i got very ill last year after i had my daughter and i weighed only 126lbs that was my lowest ever, well except when i was like 10. lol. I STILL THOUGHT I WAS FAT... i was in a 0 and then had to go down to a junior sizes, adult where too big... my 16 yr old weighed more then me at that time, but I STLL THOUGHT I WAS FAT... it was in my HEAD..... I didnt know it at the time, i realized last month when i got on the scale and i was155 lbs... i was like omg, i was thought i was fat then... what was i thinking, but the doctors and everyone said i was too thin and looked very sick so everyone shoved me full of food bad food, well now i am addicted to food and i even tried the pouch test this week... BY THE WAY I FAILED MISERABLY on my pouch test and i am ashamed about it...  but... what can i do... i couldnt do it ...but i can try and try again to not eat... the crap. i cave but i am human and i am an addict... like like a drug, i think food is worse of a habit...  hell food is legal and cheap and easy to get ..... drugs arent...i think we are in a spot where a counselor will be a good idea... i myself am going to look into it. i have 4 daughters and they need me to learn to get them to eat a salad not a bag of cookies in one sitting... right now i cant do my job as a mom correctly... baby is going to be 2... i have to feed her right, limit junk... so i try to think of it that way...  YOU ARE GORGEOUS.... even if you dont feel like it right now... remember you are working hard at your weight and you always will.... bypass patients are forever responsible for what they eat, and i know its hard... but we as a group will stand by you... you let me know if you want to do the pouch test with me ... i will do it with you... anytime ....  i could use a strong woman by my side!!!  :)