I'm discouraged, really down

I'm usually a pretty upbeat person, but lately I'm so down... Seems like a struggle, struggle, stuggle, battle, battle with this "food thing" I KNOW I have what it takes to up grab-myself-by-the-boot-strap and do the right thing! So much shame involved in my pigging out sessions, the truth is, just last night, I ate a whole package of chocolate chip cookies, would not stay out of them until they were all gone, sneek eating. I KNOW THE ANSWERS, I could wonderfully councel another "grad" but MYSELF? Months are turnig into years NOT EATING RIGHT.. I guess I'm scared. I'd love to see several days  in a row of doing right. I feel like I'm losing my footing.
I'm very sick with a bad headcold and found out two of my adult daughters having been talking about me, in less than a flattering light, discussing my faults, it hurts.
I want you to know this:
I had GBP RNY Dec. 1, 2004
Started out at 284
Got down to 133, stayed there a long time
My goal is 124 - 128 lbs
I'm 5'2" tall
54 years old
My health GREATLY improved after wt loss
Good marriage, loving family, so much to be thankful for...
Today's weight 156... going upward every two or three days
Like I said, I KNOW, Protein First, journal, etc.....
You guys, I'm scared, hurting and I need your encouragement.
Thank-you, Kathy

Kathy, I understand your fear, wish there was something I could do personally to help besides listen and support you.

What I'm about to post hasn't been posted on OH yet.....I'm scared too.  I quit smoking on March 15th, I'm perimenapausal (sp?), depressed and exhausted, got on the scale this morning and have gained 9 lbs since March 15th (and it feels like 90 lbs).  I know these things happen with what I'm going through but it doesn't take away the fear and when I hear others say "I rather you gain some weight and be healthy not smoking" it drives me crazy.  I get that, I understand that but they have NO idea how the regain affects me personally because they never were obese before in their life. 

Sorry to rant on your post, know you aren't alone in your fears.

Hugs,

You are living my nightmare!  I worry about getting to  where you are...I have it in me to do what you are doing...and I wish I knew what keeps me from doing it over what makes you not have the will to stop.  One thing I know is that eating an entire bag of cookies would lay me out on the floor in pain and obviously, you have no dumping.  So that's one thing that might separate us.

I think you are working just as hard to sabotage yourself as you should be  trying to make better choices!  I say that with much love and respect...because again, I see myself in your words!  You need to start LOVING yourself...Your daughters talking behind your back reinforce your self doubt and self loathing...They should be HELPING you, not disrespecting you! I know what it feels like when you have no support or respect because you've taught people to disrespect you...Darlin' I'm telling you, you have got to look deep in the mirror into your soul and find out why you want to destroy yourself and all your progress.  You have got to face those demons and learn to live with them or slay them once and for all! Or at least nail their tails to the floor!

You are worth it lady! Tell yourself that...When you go into the store to buy food, DO NOT go down the cookie and chip aisle!  Don't let that stuff end up in your cart...I make that mistake once in a while too...I love sugar cookies...and cupcakes...If they end up in my cart I have to seriously fight myself to put them back...I might pick them up...and walk around with them feeling guilty and as I get in line...I look in the cart and take out everything I KNOW I cannot have and I put them back or tell the cashier I made a mistake! THAT feels good !  Little victories in self respect battles!  Make a grocery list when you feel strong (no simple carbs!) and STICK TO IT!  The only thing you can stray from off the list is fruit and veggies or protein snacks!  It's not about food for you right now...It's about comfort. There is nothing as close to a hug as a bag of cookies!  If you cannot find love, start within yourself and find self love first...Tell your daughters you are struggling and need their love and support and help, not their gossip and talk behind your back...Tell them how that hurts you!  These are ways that I deal with these things.  Once you do these little things enough, you are actually building self respect by demanding it  from yourself and others...raher than take it all internally and alone

I wish I had a simple answer and a shorter one...But I truly believe you just need to dig deep inside and really try to forgive the past, forget the future and live in the NOW....Don't worry about what happened or what will happen....Deal with things a step at a time...leave the past in the past and start each day new....If you beat yourself up every day...you are going to feel defeated before you even start your day!  You have to deal with this in whatever way you can...but you've got to stop the beatings long enough to learn to respect yourself so you can walk away from your awful marriage to food...People = comfort.....call someone, hug someone.  Food = health...eat those things that offer nutrition so your body feels good...Then one day you can set limits and eat one cookie that you go out special to the bakery!  Get ONE....And make it special!  When I want a treat...and I cannot stop thinking about it...I will go to the bakery...stand there and look at everything and pick ONE thing... Sometimes I'll even make a healthy choice LOL Sometimes not! ...That's the best of both worlds...comfort food with respect for myself!  Then I walk it off or go do something active to counter the calories...rather than panic that I actually ate a full sugar cookie...because I did it with control and respect! 

I hope you can get it all together....and especially work things out with the girls!  HUGS!

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Went for my 3 year check today and I have gained 10 pounds since last year. Yes I knew I was sneak eating again. just like I use to ,have to stop that now. This weight gain has slowly been coming on since last Nov, it is the first real gain for me.

Why do we do this to ourselves???????

Sher

EVERYONE! We're in this all together and there are things we can do.

1st and foremost, love yourself. You are not a failure. None of us is perfect. None of us. Yes, when people talk about our faults it hurts but it's not like they have no faults either..Food has been a comfort and a drug. Find out WHY you're eating the stuff you know you shouldn't to excess and you'll gain more control over it. Anger, Pain, Boredom...Whatever the reason, it's time to get a grip on that and put a face on it so you can deal with it.

Take one day at a time. No one can change a lifetime of not so wonderful choices in a moment or a day or a week or a month..

And for God sake, if you feel you have no strength, seek help..Speak to a counselor, that's what they do..Start or continue to go to support group and talk about what you have going on...

The board is a great place to start and we're there for you but nothing really beats the face to face with people of like minds..

You can be honest and post your list of journaled foods on the accountability and we'll all cheer you on..

I can certainly understand your situation.  My father had a difficult long term fight with cancer.  He passed away two weeks ago, after a long battle.  My family lived (literally) at the hospital or at the rehab center before he passed away.  I started out well with good lunches in my cooler.  It turned into eating and eating like a mad woman.  I have watched my pants get tighter and tighter.  I cannot bring myself to weigh.  I have such a terrible relationship with the scale.  Anyway, I justed wanted to say that I too have to pull the reigns on this eating horse.  I am trying to go back to having some protein shakes and seriously limit sugar.  I don't dump on anything but ice cream.   Here is the thing; many times, I didn't enjoy the food I was eating.  It sounds like you (like myself) are searching (I was grieving) for something to soothe ourselves.  I am sure you didn't enjoy every single cookie in that bag.  I have also suffered depression in the past, and this does not help matters.  Recently, a friend said this to me in regards to my father; although, I believe it could apply to many situations: You don't get over this, you get through this.  Best wishes to you.

Sheron

 I sent you a PM when you posted this yesterday. I know OH is glitchy, check your message box.

Hello Kathy!

Oh, how I "can" relate to YOU!!! I'm going on 61, had WLS, GB, July, 2006, went from 310 to 180 before beginning to "sneak" bad habits and food back into my life. I have made some very positive life changes in terms of making better choices and exercising regularly, but....did go up this year and scared myself when I reached 210!!!

I immediately cut out the sugar intake, carbs, and got back into more regular protein shakes and thinking "protein first" whenever eating out....I've now lost ten of those pounds, but have needed to lose so much more "ever since"! You got a lot lower than me, CONGRATS!!!

I have learned that it takes A LOT to put this kind of weight on...how important it is to try and keep focused and away from temptation! (so easy to say I know) We're the same height and I "wish" I was YOUR weight!!! Being at 133 for a long time had to be SO exciting!

Unfortunately, I think, I "carry" my weight well. So even at this weight, at least I look "normal" and can be physically active.

I too have two adult daughters that seem to love discussing MY faults and forgetting the positives at times; that does hurt. I suggest you share your feelings with them; if they're like mine, they don't even think anything they say could ever "hurt" me! Kids! :O)

Feel free to e-mail me anytime. I live overseas in Vietnam. I teach at an international school here and love it! My husband and I are raising our 9yr. old granddaughter too...makes life challenging at times!

I hope we can support one another! The battle NEVER ends, does it?!? Remember being told, the surgery "is a tool, not a cure!"?  Soooo true!

You CAN do this!
Sincerely,
Trish

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{{{{{{{{{{Big hugg Kathy}}}}}}}}}

I'm right there with you, I'm up 20 pounds from my low weight.... There I said it outloud.....

Like you I KNOW what to do, I do the stuff I have to do, take my vitimins, fiber, get labs checked.  My biggest mistake was taking that first bite of real sugar at a little over a year out.  NOTHING happened............  I can graze all day.  If I eat to much at one time I will go to sleep an hour later with reactive hypoglycemia, but that is the extent of it.

I'm OK at work or if hubby is home, but if I'm home by myself, it's like I'm compelled to eat.  I've been trying this last week to stop, but it is real hard.

Good luck, you are not alone.

Sandra

Thank you everyone for your honesty on this post.  It has really helped me knowing I'm not alone in dealing with this.

BUT, we have fought this before and we can do it again.  1 person standing on their own can easily fall over, but if several stand together they form a mighty army - all holding each other up when one slips or falls, they are there to pick them up and to keep standing.

Let's stand together in our battles.

hugs, Ruth