Went CRAZY REALLY

I have been out of xanax for about a week. I wanted to see if I could stop it on my own. WHAT A DUMB ASS THING I DID. I have been on it over 3 years. So I stopped. About day 3. I was sleeping and woke up. I had a friend here. I opened my eyes and my bed room was full of people. A black man and woman. A white man and lots of church teen age kids. I heard them talking about they bought my house I just moved into. They said they was getting it on Friday and I had 90 days to get out. I said out  loud. I just moved here. They told me the was going to build a teen age rehab. OK. I woke up my friend. I said they are taking my house. He said who. I said they are still in the hall go look. He wouldn't. So I jumped up and come looked. Nothing. I ran and looked in the drive way. I know they couldn't got gone that fast. Well nobody. Ok was worried. Went back to sleep. Woke up and thought my stepbrother that raped and always touched me. I thought he was in my bed. I started screaming and yelling for somebody to help me. I was swing my fist. I was going down fighting this time. I was going to win. Well my friend tried to calm me down. I was so upset. I even told my friend where the people that was buying my house lived. Gave him the house number. It was 74 Malkingbird lane. Charlotte. Well he wouldn't call information to see if it was right. So I did. The operater said there is no such address. I felt so crazy. I knew it was withdrawls. I had done read of what would go on. The biggest fear in your mind comes out. And that was so much mine. Don't need to tell ya. I STARTED MY MEDS AS SOON AS I WENT TO THE DOCTOR AND GOT SOME MORE. I DIDN'T TELL THEM WHAT I HAD DONE. I am such a dumb ass. I don't think I can get hooked on anything. Well that showed me. I am all good now. Woo wee. So my words of wisdom DON'T STOP ANYMEDS WITHOUT YOUR DOCTORS HELP.....I wont never do that again. It was so real. so very real. But wasn't thank my good God above watching me. 

 

Amy      

 

It was the Xanax.. I was on that for a while when I was still married to my ex husband. He was going to drive me to drink with all his bull crap...And when I went to quit taking it after I left him, I did the same thing. What happened to me was that I was just plain mean. I was mad/angry at everyone and everything. I got in a shouting match with my bf at the time (husband now) and his oldest daughter..I broke dishes and stuff. It was horrible. I was ranting and raving but all I could feel was this white hot anger..Just steaming mad!

It probably did you good to get good and angry but still!

I had a nightmare last night myself! I dreamt about a really tiny snake. I like snakes but my eyesight isn't what it used to be and this tiny little snake. I couldn't tell if it was a rattlesnake or a gopher snake and the gophers will imitate rattlers if they are scared. So I was afraid to just pick it up for fear that my eyes couldn't tell if it was a rattler or not.

You definitely should tell your doctor about that nightmare/incident..Really. If you had run out into the street naked and screaming, they'd have found out anyway when they came to check on you at the hospital...Not funny but still. Take care, Dear.

That is what I told my son. I was so scared I would go to the funerla home naked. I live across the street from the funeral home. The man next door is a cop. He would have me in the crazy house 4ever. I got some yesterday and slept good last nignt and didn't even wake up till morning. I am on 2mg. that is the higest they make. And she said when I feel my heart rate sky up or I feel a panic attack come on to take another one. Good lord they knock my ass out. But it is so peaceful sleep. I don't sleep at all without them. I can go months and months without sleep. I ask the doctor a many years ago why I couldn't sleep. They said it was a part of anorexia. They told me yesterday the I was at 100% anorexic. I have all the things that comes with it. Next stept is the big sleep I guess. I read alot on anorexia. With all this going on I have been a little sick and throwing up some. I am down 5 lbs. I have been eating and like the doctor told me eat as unhealthy as I can get. I have happy mealed out. Time to move from mcdonalds to burger king. There is no way I can loose not even 1 lb. if I do I will have to and get tpn fulids for 8 days. I don't want to go. Tomorrow is my Daughters 18th. birthday. We got her inrolled in out community colledge. She wants to be a radiologist. Boy I can't spell that. lol...I begged my son to spen the night with me last night. My daughter is gone to the mountains with her friends and their family. So I was alone going through this. I really felt like I was going crazy. It is ashamed to be that dependent on pills. That is why my heart rate went from 70 to 211. I feel like I am a addict. I am no better than any crack head. Even tho I take it for my health. I am still hooked and can't go with out it. When it is not time to take one I am thanking about them and watching the clock. I have ran out before and went got some somewhere else. Not good. lol yeah shows you the peopel I know. lol......Boy I thank my God so much I did so good last night. I thank God I am still here. I should have been gone a long time ago. He has gave me more chances than I deserve. And some how I end up screwing up. Well off to drink my muscle build up. It has a butt load of calories it it. I have been drinking 2 a day. Think I will bump it up to 4 a day and 2 meals. I know I know I am suppose to eat breakfast but never in my life have. I kinda feel queeze in the mornings. I am sorry this was so long. Dawn I thank God for you and your husband. Yaw make me feel like I am a person and that I am as good as anyone else. I feel so bad about myself I feel like if anyone bumps into me or touches me on accident that they want to go and scrub off. I feel like a desease that people don't want. I am tying all I can to get better. It was the best choice in my life when I changed my phych doctors. The ones now are a woman and her husband and he is a preacher that don't judge me or preach to me. They reall understand me. I prayed for God to put someone good in my life to help me. The other place I was going always had me crying and feeling worse about myself and the years I have went there they never once talked to me about my anorexia. Have a good day and I am sorry if I have ever said anything to offend anyoneon here. And I am sorry that I have to eat and some of yaw can't. That hurts me. But I struggle like you do but not in the same way. And I fight everyday for my life. God bless us all.

 

Amy

Now that explains the racing heart! You do need to contact your doctor and tell them about what happened because they probably should lower your dose on that slowly.
 
That's so nice that your daughter is enrolled and wants to be a radiologist (you spelled it right). You just want to maintain so that she can concentrate on her studies and make something of herself and make you proud.. She worries about you so much.

The pills aren't for making you dependent. Xanax is suppose to just take the edge off the highs and lows but if you are getting too much, it can be a problem if you try and quit too quickly. They're suppose to be temporary, for just when the mental pain is the worst..When you get better coping skills, you naturally lower the dosage and ease yourself off of them. I took a half a pill daily..not much at all and had that reaction to quitting.

My husband and I pray for you especially. You feel like a friend to us and we always care for our friends. It's made us talk more about things like that because he didn't remember that I was taking the xanax. He remembered the fights and how bad it was but not why. It was a long long time ago. Still we talk alot about past lives and issues and that helps. Your psych preacher is good for you to talk to. Everyone needs someone to talk to.

You don't have a disease and you are getting help..All of us have issues with food and stress. Some have the opposite problem that you have but we all have a problem. And some deny it..I don't and you don't. Half of getting over the problem is admitting you have it. We're both on our way!

Fighting every day is better than the alternative. Life is tough but it's better than the alternative. Growing old is not for wimps. LOL.

Keep after it. You're winning. Just remember that. See ya

Hi hotmama. The new psych's you have are a Godsend, they seem to be a part of Gods plan for you. He needs you for something that is not currently understood, but I assure you that in 5 years you will look back and see why he is doing what he is doing.
 If you can eat and eat the wrong things right now, that is cool, good for you. Do it as often as you wi**** is just more of the plan.
 DW and I talk of you often, we are concerned but it seems like you are getting a grasp on what you need to do. There are many in your life that DEPEND on you and you need to be there for them when the need arises.
 We also wish we lived closer, but goegraphy say's otherwise, so we will continue to give support as often as we can.

It is like I told my phych. I still have good enough mind to know that some of the stuff I say and do are not normal for the normal person. I see somone at small I ask my daughter do I look tha skinny. She will say Mom you are scary skinny. You aer worse off than that. I don't see that. I still think even this small I can take on the world and win. But the truth is the anorexia is kicking me ass. I look at it this way with the meds I would rather be happy than wide awake thinking about all my problems. There are so many people worse off than me. I keep telling myself that. God bless you and your wife. I feel so happy talking to yaw. 

 

Amy