Jennifer A.
Excited Again
Aug 20, 2010
It has been awhile since I have written. After coming to the conclusion that surgery wouldn't be happening until January 2011, I tried desperately to stay focused. I was in denial at first, making loads of excuses but truth be told, I was extremely disapointed and quickily let all my healthy new habits go to waste. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get myself back to that frame of mind that helped me lose 35 pounds in just 2 months.So I started gaining little by little. I replaced my 100oz of water with diet soda and started eating fast food whenever I felt like it. Actually, I was back to the point of not denying myself anything. My days of walking everyday and Wii fit...history. For a little while I would still weigh in, telling myself a couple of pounds was ok, but then guilt tripping myself anyway. Then I just avoided the scale all together.
At a work meeting, I sat there dwelling on the fact that everyone looked so comfortable, but the chair was killing me. The arm rests were digging into me, so I had to sit on the very edge of the chair, which was killer on my back. My almost 15 year old son just started playing football. I haven't gone to any of his practices because I'm afraid people will stare. I didn' go to my 10 year old daughter's Back to School night either for the same reason. I used to take great pride in clothes, makeup, hair etc (even being overweight), but I haven't in a long time. I honestly figure, "What is the point?"
I think the turning point was finding out last week that my mom has breast cancer. Hearing the news was devastating. She is the closest person to me. I cried for two days straight. It really got me thinking though, about life. I don't want to waste it anymore, and that is exactly what I've been doing.
Another major thing that changed my view on things was my 12 year old son Matthew. He is also overweight and has high cholesterol. His situtation is made worse by the fact that he has a brain tumor. Anyway, he was picking up on my healthier habits (back in April/May) including walking and using the Wii fit for an hour a day. When I started slacking, so did he. I found out from his grandma (who handles all of his medical care since I work full time) that the Dr was shocked at how improved his cholesterol had gotten. He told her the results were astounding and wanted to know what Matthew had been doing. That was a couple of months ago but she just told me maybe a couple of weeks ago. It made me feel like crap because we both know his results arent going to be so great at this rate. I'm not only letting myself down, but my children too.
I sat down and had a heart to heart with myself, trying to figure things out. I am once again excited about surgery! I'm back to drinking my water and skipping fast food. A week or so ago I was back up to 330 from 310...scary! I'm back down to 324 which means I have about a month or so to lose 9 pounds.
This weekend I'm going to make myself some mini-goals. Starting next week I will be working 6 days a week (10+ hours a day) until November. I need to find a way to incorporate excersise into my work schedule. I can do this! I do not want to be this pathetic, lonely person anymore!!!!
