katierandolph1211
New to this Journey
Jan 04, 2024
I have never started a blog. I try journling, I am not good at it. I do not know how many people will actually read what I have to say. I might ramble in these ( no for a fact I will ramble I will have runon sentences. Just hang in there. My surgery went well. I did not have any issues. Thank the lord above. When I got home I was ready to start. I miss food though. It is really hard with the food noises. Gosh they are loud. I was so glad to have some protein shakes. I could not stomach broth anymore. It has only been a week, and the thought of broth is...yuck. I had a dream about bread the first night home. OMG bread. You are so yummy. With butter, and jam. Gosh that dream bread was goooood. When I woke up from that dream, it set in. NO BREAD for a while. I know eventally I can have bread. I don't want to get into the habit that I can though. I had to pay for this surgery out of pocket. I don't want to ruin it. I don't want to go back to what I was before. I just keep thinking 18,400. Is that bread worth it? Ummmm....NOPE. Getting through the first week was okay. Protein shakes did help. But gosh am I happy to be eating pureed foods. I was OVER protein shakes. Obviously I like to eat. So I was happy. This one dream I had was odd. I have odd dreams, nothing new. This dream had the most AMAZING burrtio I ever had. Do I like burrtios in my awake life? Nope. So this dream was odd. OMG the burrito was soooo good. Eggs, Cheese, POTATOES, green chilie. This was so good. When I woke up, I cried over this burrito.I took my dog out for a walk. I cried over this burrito. I cried over this burrito while making my son breakfast. In the kitchen. My son, at one point saw me crying and asked " are you crying over the burrito" YUP I AM. That was a low point. I called my mom and was upset that I can't eat. I can only drink protein shakes. She is trying to help and I understand that. I was not kind during that phone call. She doesn't understand, and thats okay. She tries in her own way. I know she is loving and does the best she can. Having a food addiction is hard and different. There isnt a "Cure" everything that is out there to help with the cravings, is expensive. Not covered by some insurances. It is hard. Getting the surgery was the ONLY way I saw to help me with my shut off to feel full. I am glad that I did get this surgery. It has only been a week, Battling with my brain is hard. I have to tell it to shut up alot. I am sticking with it though. I know I am not that far into this. I want to be successful. I will be. Battling 36 years of food noise is a hard habit to break. But i keep thinking. I want to buy those cute clothes, when my mom asks what size I wear so she can buy me clothes. I want to be able to tell her. I want to ride rides with my son when he is older. I don't want to embarrass my son around his friends. I dont want to be the only "FAT" mom. I know that in the long run I still will be. I will never be that skinny little mom. But it is also my confidence. Ya know!!! I also want to find a boyfriend that will lead to a husband. That is really important to me. I mean mom first of course...DUH.
Well this is week one. I have made it. I am back at work. I could not be home anymore.I was going crazy. I am a single mom making one income and I like to feel important. My son is in school, so what would I do all day? My boss and job are amazing. I haven't told a lot of people. I kind of want the shock vaule when they see me. Plus I dont want to talk about it just yet. Some people don't understand. Thats okay. This isn't their life. This is my journey. I am important too. I have to tell myself this all the time. I have so much self hate talk its annoying. I am starting Thearpy. I hope to fix that. I do know that I am worth it. I just have to do the work to get this mindset back. I might be doing this weekly. I might forget. I don't know. I know the journey is so different for everyboy. I am ready to keep going. Thank goodness for tik tok for the food ideas, and knowing I am not alone. Thankful for my friends that have been on this journey. I have someone to talk to. I have God to thank. I talk to him all the time. I have a wonderful angel looking out for me. My dear Granny Jo. She would be so proud of me. I miss her. I know she is 100% with me on this journey. I will continue to keep losing. Losing being weight lol. And gaining knowlegde and LOVE for myself. I just want to love myself again
This felt good to get out. If anyone reads this great. I will keep it. Because a year from now I hope to look back on this and smile, knowing how far I've come. And how proud I am of this Katie.
Kaite Randolph