Week 4

Jan 24, 2024

Well I am 4 weeks post op. I am down 31 pounds. I feel that it is good. I wish it was more. I know I need to exercise. I just hate it. My clothes still fit. That is annoying. And I am struggling. Even with the 31 pound weightloss. What is wrong with me? I feel like I am the only person that has been given this gift and I somewhat hate it. I miss food. Ugh why can't I get over this mindset? It is annoying. Sorry that this is not starting out not so  positive. It is just so hard. Why did I have to have a problem with food? Had I just been normal what would my life be like? I would be married and I would be having fun. I would feel pretty and not over think about food. Man I hate feelng this way. I am trying to work on the mental part and being okay with me. I know I did not get this overweight over night. I know this is going to take time. A long time. I wish I did not have this problem. Why me? Why is food so damn good? I love all food. I am sorry this is not a happy Blog. I just have to get this out. I feel like a waste of space. I am deep into my 30's. Everyone in my family is married. I am the oldest cousin, and I am the single one. I have a lot to offer someone. I know a lot of this is because of my weight. That is why I cannot find a great guy. I am not too picky. I will not settle. I cannot. I know I have added a challenge while dating. I am a mom as well. I have an 8 yr old. I just work on taking care of him. I pray all the time that I find this great guy. Along this journey I am trying to like myself. I really want to find someone to love as well. 

I am still not wanting to see anyone until I really start to shed the weight. I know that might be normal to some. I just want my family to not know. If they cared they would reach out and ask how I am doing. My Goals with this surgery I guess I should talk about them. I am looking forward to wearing normal sized clothes. I want to walk into target, old navy, and pick stuff off the hangers. I want to be able to fit in chairs without them hurting mysides.I want to show myseldf that I am capable of this. I can overcome this. I overcame my debt and bought my house as a single mom. I quit a job I didn't think I would. I got a new job and I am doing that. I can do this too. It is just hard. I wish I had someone to confide in. Like my partner. I can reach out to my mom, but she does not understand. She is really being  a great supporter for sure. I am glad that I can call her. But it is not the same. I am grateful for this surgery. It does give me a full button. Now the mental game comes into play. I just want to be happy with me. I know others are proud. But this is HARD. 

I am doing this for my health. I want to keep living. I want to be around for my son. I am doing this for him too. I just want him to be proud of me. I want him to love me as his mom. I do not want him to be ashamed of me. His friends parents are just so beauitful. I am not. I have never thought of myself as pretty. I hope to get there one day. Feeling pretty. I do not want his friends saying "we don't want to hang out with you cause your mom is fat" kids can be mean. Are we not invited to some parties because of the way I look. The parents might not want to hang with me. I know one parent I dont talk to... it is because I feel yucky compared to her. I might come off as not nice. But that is not the case. I also just want peace in mylife. I want to be at peace with myself.  I want to love myself. Not turn heads cause I am fat. I want to turn heads because I shine with just being happy.Okay... and cause I look damn good. I do not know if I will ever feel this. Or will some guy find me good looking? I do not know. Are there goood men out there. Who knows. I am hopefull God will send me the right guy. YES I AM. Well here is to the next weight loss of the week. BLAH. I can do this. I have to do this. I am doing this. 

Katie 

1 Comment