Question:
Need a pick me up!!!!!
I'm very proud of my progress so far I've lost 68 pounds since my rny on March 28th. Recently a guy at work has become very interested in me. Everything was fine until it came down to me telling him about my surgery ... not like we can hide it!!! lol I know that I can't expect everyone to have a positive response to the hard work that goes in to our decisions, but for the first time someone wasn't positive. I feel like I became his charity case. Offering workout plans, but no longer a date. I can't help that a part of me is hurt by this. I guess what I'm trying to say is- is there a stigmatism coming with this surgery that we are somehow less of a person? I'm very emotional typing this, but at the same time want feedback ... harsh or easy. I made this choice because like many of us, wanted weight behind me, and will never be sorry. Feeling very gun shy. Has anyone else went though something similar? — pixiegirl27 (posted on August 15, 2008)
August 14, 2008
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I do not work directly with the
public, so I haven't had this experience, but that being said, other than
family, fair weather friends, and passersby, just think I lost weight. I
don't lie about it. I just don't flaunt it. Because there are so many
people out there that are ignorant about the subject. I do have my husband
telling me (at almost 50 years old) that exercise would help my skin tone
up. I just have to not take it personally. I did this for ME! I am
happier and healthier, and I have added years to my life. Without this
surgery, I would still be fighting hypertension, gasping myself awake, and
wondering if I can make it to my mail box and back to the house without
passing out. You have a gift! Don't let anyone take that joy away!
— lesleigh07
August 14, 2008
You *should* be proud of yourself - VERY proud! And honestly? I don't blame
you for being hurt by the way this guy is acting. I know there are a lot of
people out there who believe that this surgery is a "cop-out" and
that WLS is the easy way out. Fortunately, I have found in my own personal
life that people with that attitude are few and far between. My own
personal opinion is, if that's how he feels about it, then you're probably
better off without him. Focus on you right now ... When the time is right,
the right guy will come along. :-)
— lauren_marie
August 14, 2008
Consider yourself lucky, if it wasn't meant to be, you found out quickly.
If I don't want to divulge that I have had weight loss surgery when someone
notices or asks about my weight loss, I say that I have done it by eating
less and moving more..... all true.
There are always going to be those people who say to themselves or out loud
to us "if you would just stop shoving food in your mouths, you
wouldn't be fat and wouldn't need surgery"! I understand your being
hurt, I also understand you need to suck it up, be loud and proud about
your decision and not have any use for or lose any sleep over anyone who
disagrees with your decision to save your life.
Stay strong, we are all proud of you.
Dawn
— DawnVic
August 14, 2008
Let's not cut this guy from your life just yet. Maybe he is trying to be
supportive and doesn't really know how. Sometimes my fiance says things
and I just look at him and he knows he has said the wrong thing. Next time
he suggests that you guys go work out, just tell him you need a break and
would love to do something else. See what he has to say... Maybe he just
needs a little help in knowing how to be supportive. I find sometimes guys
just don't see things the way we do. Good Luck!
— smd
August 14, 2008
Serena, hang in there. Maybe this guy is trying to be supportive and
thinks he is doing the right thing by working out with you. If it's not
meant to be, well there will be someone else out there for you. Whether
deciding to have surgery is the easy way out or not, remember you did this
to improve your life and health. That's the important thing. I haven't
had my surgery yet so I can only imagine what you are feeling. Try to stay
positive. You are doing great...keep it up!!! Patty
— MastaP
August 14, 2008
Hi
Yes I have been going through something similar to this, and I haven't even
had the operation yet. People are asking me all the time, "How much is
this costing you?", or they'll say something like "You can do it
on my own?", one person said that, she couldn't believe I was spending
that much money, when she needed it for college. Sometimes I get feeling
like a real basket case... I My husband tells me that I have no in-between,
he says, I'm either real happy or real down. I hate it when he says that.
But you know what? He's probably right. :P Just be yourself around this
guy, laugh and joke around with him, just don't mention loosing weight
around him.
I finally had to make up my mind, that if people make me feel down, I just
stay away from them. Life's too short, you only live once, and if you don't
do things that are good for you, you surely can't do good things toward
others.
I'm getting the lap-band for me because I want to be alive, and able to get
around.
Be glad you're learning more about this guy. Be his friend, and let him
motivate you. What's there to loose but more weight? It might be nice
having someone that is concerned about your well-being. He might feel he's
doing or saying the right things, maybe he feels he's saying the right
things. If if it really bothers you let him know... Sit down with him and
tell him how you feel. Holding in feelings, isn't really the best thing
for you. If he's offering workout plans, get him to pay for them. LOL
Good luck with your weight loss, and remember you are not a charity case...
You just happened to wake up, you made the right decisions. You want to
make your live better, healthier, happier, and healthier, you are headed
that way now, and I give anyone credit for doing this. We all have that
stigmatism at times. Just live to be happy, and enjoy life. Good luck with
your journey to a better you.
— Sheila L.
August 15, 2008
I am sure you can do a lot better than so jerk at work that can not see the
beauty from within your heart, and not just what is on the outside. There
are a lot of places you can go to meet a sincere man that realy is looking
for a life long companion. That is what you realy want to start looking
for, not just a date. Now it will take a lot of dates to fine one that is
compatable because just because you have been off the market for a period
of time, you don't need to look for the first encounter to be Mr. Right.
Some guys can just be jerks, but I know as a man what it takes to go
through this surgery and it is not just have it an lose. There is a lot of
work that goes with it. Maybe he felt that he was helping by offering to
workout with you. Only you know what he was offering, but I would not be
afrade to discuss the surgery. Maybe wait until a date or two when there
is more of an attraction to the person and the heart than just the physical
attrction that oviously was what just existed in this case.
— William (Bill) wmil
August 15, 2008
Why can't working out together be a date? Maybe he decided that asking you
to dinner wouldn't be the best choice and decided that working out would be
more supportive. Some people just don't know how to react to our wls news.
I wouldn't count him out yet. Maybe he just wasn't sure how to react!
— GlitterGal
August 15, 2008
Ok dont date guys from work! It just gets wierd after! Also if he is
bugging by your surgery then he is a shallow idiot anyway and you can do
better. I know what you are saying though really it doesnt even come down
to him, it comes down to people who are completely uneducated offering
thier opinion they know nothing about. I am married and havnt had to deal
with this, however I have noticed I am being looked at like a peice of meat
now! (Could just be I have more self confidence and it shows!) but it does
feel good when someone shows interest in you, its just human nature. The
fact is you did nothing wrong, that is complety shallow of him to do
that.You should ask him does me having surgery bother you because if you
were asking for a date that means you like what its doing for my
appereance! Keep doing what you are doing, 68 pounds is awesome you are on
your way to a new life a new you and a new and BETTER guy! Keep your head
up!
— Kimberlin Katayama
August 15, 2008
I have had self esteem issues all my life.. and part of my weight problems
were related to that as well. It has taken me most of my 52 years and two
divorces to get to a point where I actually like myself. I had WLS surgery
a year ago and have lost 105 lbs (as of this morning!!). I did it because I
wanted to be healthier and look better and because my weight was making my
knee problems so much worse and I didn't want to be confined to a
wheelchair forever at the age of 52. So there were a lot of reasons for me
to get WLS and I don't really care if anyone thinks that is a cop out or
not.
What I have learned along the way is I can't control how other people feel.
That is thier problem. Not mine. There may be people that think I took the
easy way out.. nothing I say will change thier minds. So why bother. I am
comfortable with my reasons for doing the surgery. If they are not, that is
thier problem to deal with.
And finally.. I agree with the other people. I don't think dating a guy at
work is really a great idea, but in general the guy may be trying to be
supportive and may not know how... so you might not want to write him off
totally just yet. On the other hand, he may be one of these codependent
types that is looking for someone to rescue.. so you may want to find out
more about him before you make a decision dating him.
— Maggie E.
August 15, 2008
You should not let this get you down or affect how you think of yourself.
If someone cant be attracted to you for going thruough what you have went
through to better yourself as a person, he is not a guy you want to date
anyway. I do think there is a stigma attached to this surgery. I know I
have not told many ppl , including my own mother because I think she will
tell me not to go through with it. You did what was best for you and in
your heart you know its true. The right man will come around and understand
and honor you for what you have done. Hang in there. Personally I have not
had my surgery yet. I have my lap band August 26th and I am sure I am going
to face many stigmas as well. I am proud of you for talking about this
lifechanging experience.
— trbccowan
August 15, 2008
I don't KNOW, but it sounds to me like he is TRYING to be supportive and
NOT trying to make matters WORSE by inviting you to a big FAT DINNER where
you will GAIN WEIGHT! Sounds like he is TRYING to be SENSITIVE, but just
isn't coming ACROSS that way! My guess is that he was trying to think of
the one thing you BOTH had in COMMON that you could DO together, that would
not make matters WORSE! Cut the guy a BIT of slack, us men are SIMPLE
creatures. We do not ALWAYS see the full ramifications of our comments on
our female friends. You ladies are WAY TOO COMPLICATED for us to figure
out sometimes. My guess is that he is STILL interested, or he would NOT
have asked you out! This is not like HIGH SCHOOL, where a guy could be
DARED into asking a girl out that he didn't LIKE. There would be little
sense in his taking you out on a "mercy date" since you are not
ASKING HIM. If this still bothers you, TALK to him about it and EXPLAIN to
him your feelings on the matter. I will be willing to bet that you will
find that he does not CARE that you had weight loss surgery instead of
losing the weight "Naturally," and is just HAPPY for you that you
have taken steps to LOSE the weight!
— hubarlow
August 15, 2008
This one is a tough one. It could be that maybe he was a little bit
surprised and thought that maybe a good way to spend time with you would be
to go do something that you both might enjoy which would be working out
together. Someone who doesn't want to send time with you would not offer
to go work out with you.
— Tania_B.
August 15, 2008
it isnt about the guy, the fact is ppl dont know how to respond to ppl have
the surgry if they dont have information about it,
they think its a quick fix and a cop out to get it, what they dont realize
all the hard work at eating right and supplemts and docters visits and the
fact that this is with you for the rest of your life.
i dont tell ppl cus its to much to explain to them and they dont need to
know anyways, i tell them i worked hard at eating right.
i hate the fact that ppl think, "well why didnt you just
excersie"
well if you think that exercise would work, you think i would alter my
insides and have the risk of dying if it were that simple.
i say just dont tell no one, its not they dont need to know the hole truth.
— 100249023 Not A Number
August 15, 2008
I have learned in life that no matter who you are or what you do, we have
"irregular people" in our lives. Those are the people who all
have an opinion on everything and it doesn't have to be right or wrong, it
is just the way they are and they are not going to change. I believe that
maybe, he just doesn't know how to act and doesn't want to interfere in you
making a bad decision..you never know until you ask. Diane
— dyates2948
August 16, 2008
I was thinking the same thing as Kim D. -- maybe workout plans are his way
of getting you to go to the gym with him or something. It would be an easy
way to spend time with you away from work without having to take the plunge
and ask someone from work to go out on a date. From his point of view, he
may see this beautiful woman whom he'd love to ask out, but is afraid she
might say no...and then he'd have to face her at work! Maybe there is the
possibility for you to steer the conversations with him away from
weightloss and workouts back to something more interesting. I'm sure the
two of you have a lot more interesting things to talk about than
wls/weightloss/workouts, and if not, keep looking! :) A good male friend
of ours married a woman who had gastric bypass when he was about 35 or so.
He is hot, successful, and a great guy. If this guy has a problem with
wls, who knows what other things he may have problems with. I was just
re-reading your post, and it is sad to think anyone could see a wls patient
as "less of a person." Do you think that? I think it is
important to remember not everyone understands wls. I think it is
beneficial to keep the focus on how you lead a healthy lifestyle and that
you are health-conscious. You care what you put in your mouth, and you are
interested in being fit and exercising. Why you eat less doesn't need to
be the focus. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 68 LB. WEIGHTLOSS!! I admire your
progress! ~*Wendi*~
— wenniewo
August 16, 2008
I am glad you had the courage to write this. whether we want to admit it or
not, we don't live in a bubble an what others say, do effect us. It's what
we do with that effect. We can become depressed and question ourselves and
wonder who is right, but it sounds like you already know who is right. We
only have one chance at life and what we each choose to do has to be what
will enhance and strengthen us as individuals. You are surrrounded by
thousands of people who have had WLS and you would never know unless you
saw the scares or they told you. I decided o tell the minute I decided to
have the surgery and I state it with total confidence and pride. I have
only had one negative response and it was from a guy....go figure.. Stay
strong and feel great about your accomplishments!
— pjlewis1
August 16, 2008
I am also going to be one of the minorities on this answer...I would
absolutely love to have someone come up to me and offer to help me work out
and have fun doing it. I watch my still overweight husband say...first,
I'll swim with you but not work out with you (neither of which has he done)
to sure I'll work out with you (still no help) as he sits in his recliner
watching television every night. You might have found someone that could
give you the support you need in a physical way in which might become so
much more. I wish you good luck either way you decide. I would not feel
hurt from what you have stated, but there may have been more than what you
are telling us. Great job with your WLS and Keep it up!
— mcgriff_d
August 16, 2008
I work with 175 people in a call center, I told them all before I had my
surgery so they didn't I had some diease or drug addiction, it is rapid
weight loss. At first people were very supportive, then came jealousy. I
stand proud 5 years post op, I made a decision to be healthy, weight can be
hereditary as well as not pushing away from the table, people with no
problem can't understand. You be proud & those that understand will
support those that don't can't. I have an ex husband because of lots of
reasons but he taunted me, "you just sit there & loose weight
easily". He gained by cleaning my plate then eating his. But our
decision is not easy nor is our road. We have to forever watch what we eat,
drink, and fight like anybody else. We just use a different tool, weight
watchers is a tool, atkins is a tool, so be proud & no shame in having
to watch what you eat & how much. There are men who will accept you as
you are, my new one does & he is thin so I make our plates almost
identical & he loves healthy eating. I have never felt less of a
person, I actually have more confidence now than ever before, I was always
heavy though even childhood obesity, so being made fun of all my life. I
guess I rather people be jeolous & not understand than the looks I got
when eating out & they act like I am alien for being big. lolol. Enjoy
the new you & don't give a hoot what others think you know in your
heart you did the right thing!!!
Pam
— Faerydust1313
August 16, 2008
I haven't even had my surgery yet and i've started to get this reacgtion,
I.e. if you just try a little harder or just "push back" from the
table, etc. Even my mom, who is almost 400 lbs tried to tell me how this
surgery amounted to giving up and that I should try so knew formula she
heard about on the Net. lol!! I hve learned really quickly to just stay
strong in my resolve and in my decision to do what's best for me and my
health. even if this means I have to be very harsh and rigid to those who
try to make me into some "charity case". So, my advice is to
shake off his comments and anyone else's and to keep stepping forward!
— andrea E.
August 16, 2008
I understand how you would feel hurt, I would as well. It is so hard for
me to get to the point that I let my guard down enough to have a
relationship with a man that I tend to be feel extremely vulnerable to the
point of being uncomfortable in the beginning of a relationship. Once you
start trusting someone and letting them in a little bit, anything that
looks like rejection hurts.
I was seeing a guy last year and I was really nervous about telling him
about my WLS. It was kind of a new experince for me to hang out with
someone who didn't know me before surgery. He noticed during our first
couple of dates that I did not eat much--I think he thought i was doing
that girl thing were you pretend not to be hungry so you don't eat in front
of the guy and then you go home and pigout. Finally, on the 3rd date (we
went to see Aretha Franklin in concert--best date ever) we were eating
dinner and I got up the nerve to tell him. I think he was shocked at first
and didn't know what to say. I tried to answer his questions without
getting embarassed because WLS is a part of my life and not something to be
ashamed of. I think by the next date he had had enough time to digest what
I had told him and we never talked about it again. Unfortunately he moved
away a few months later, but before he left he made me little jars of
cookie mix so I could make small batches of chocolate chip cookies since he
knew I could not eat much. Ok, maybe not the best gift for someone who had
WLS, but I thought it was supportive in a way. I think it often takes
someone we are dating a little while to aborb and understand what WLS means
to us and how it can effect our relationship with them.
— doccortes
August 16, 2008
And you should be proud! Don't let anyone or anything bring you down! You
did this for your health and not to please other people. If other people
can't accept that you had weight loss surgery, then that's their problem.
You are only responsible for what you feel. Hold your head up high!
— mec566
August 16, 2008
Take it as a blessing in disguise. Nothing personal, he just isn't
interested. Good thing you were honest from the get go. Imagine if you
would have fallen for him and then he reacted this way. This is his own
hang-up and believe it or not the men who can appreciate your journey and
your personal battle are the one's you should be allowing into your heart.
Go get'em tiger.
— bariatricdivalatina
August 16, 2008
Believe it or not, Serena, every encounter in your life is an opportunity
to make peace with yourself. If the encounter is harmonious already, you
are already at peace. If what this man said to you causes inner conflict,
then you still aren't completely comfortable with something about your WLS
journey yet. You'll continue to encounter opposition until you feel
comfortable with yourself and everything about how you got to where you are
today. Make the most of this opportunity to feel great about you!
There's also Divine Intervention---you might have gotten more interested in
this guy at work had he not turned you off already. There are plenty of
other fish in the sea! It may turn out to be a Godsend that your WLS
changed the tone of the relationship and headed you in a new direction.
There's a wonderful partner for you, and he'll come along when you least
expect it. Enjoy!
— AlmaRene
August 18, 2008
Serrena
I also went through that ..but it was with my best friend....I wasnt gonna
tell anyone untill i found out my date and got my insurance excepted...She
came into my home one day and a letter that was going out to the mail was
laying on the table and she seen who it was addressed to...she told me that
i was stupid to go that way about loosing weight and getting my Type 2
diabetes under control..and a whole lot more was said...and even now almost
5 months post-op I still cant talk about it in front of her cause she just
rolls her eyes and says that I did it for the sake of my boyfriend !!!!
Anyways we are still friends...but no where near as close as we used to
be...I hold my head up high and say the heck to the people who dont
understand what we had and have to go through to be where we are today and
where we be tomorrow....Smaller and healther....Good luck
Elisa
— british88
August 24, 2008
Hon, brut honesty here... SCREW him. < not literally> LOL find
another one interested. You are not a chaity case, as a mater of fact, you
don't want someone focused on your weight loss ... you want someone to live
your life with and have fun with like NEVER before. Toss him away.... he'll
be back, but ONLY when he figures out what HE did wrong... afterall, you
deserve the best! Good Luck! Michele
— Supermom2008
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