Question:
How to deal with insensitive people?
Hi everbody, I am 17 mos post op with a weightloss close to 200#. Obviously this is a dramatic physical change and stuns alot of people I haven't seen in a while. My problem is that I have just about had it with people that I don't know asking me how much weight I have lost. This isn't a rare thing. This is a daily thing! I don't care if close friends or family ask or even potential WLS patients, but people like the gas station clerk or somebody that just happens to see me around town is what I take offense to. Its also the same at work. Does anyone else go through this? Are they as annoyed as I am? I am not about to admitt to my skinny coworkers or strangers that I've lost 200#, yikes that's a whole other overweight person LOL I am also getting asked very personal questions about excess skin. That always dumbfounds me, especially because you can't really tell when I am fully clothed. Any advice? Or least some good comebacks? — tazthewiz23 (posted on April 17, 2007)
April 17, 2007
I've met both people who are very open about it and others that are very
private about it. It's your choice to be open or not, and what to share. If
you aren't comfortable with their questions, just say that it's personal
and walk away and leave it at that.
It's ultimately no one's business but yours and if you don't want to tell,
then don't.
Good Luck
— oceanrayne
April 17, 2007
That is just the way people are and I just try to remember that it was a
blessing to have a second chance after losing 170 lbs. It may help you
to think that by getting your story of success out that you might help
someone else get help with WLS that may be afraid of the possible stigma.
— leekenny
April 17, 2007
I have lost 145 pounds in 7.5 months so my weight loss is very noticable to
anyone I have seen in that time. I get the questions from people at the
grocery store the most. When they ask how much I have lost I tell them.
When they ask about skin I just say "it's not bad at all" and
leave it at that. Don't be offended. It just means people are noticing your
transformation. Why do you need a "comeback"? Are you embarresed
by what you've done?
— Lost4Ever
April 17, 2007
First of all a huge congrats on the tremendous weight loss! It's truly a
miracle that you have attained this. I am 5.5 mo. post op and have lost 67
lbs (I am a lightweight) and I am proud to tell people how much I have
lost. Again, it's a personal decision and I think if someone asks you
should just say, "I've lost a great deal" and leave it at that.
You can also say, "I prefer not to share that but it's
substantial". I too think people ask out of curiousity. I saw
someone today who barely recognized me so I can just imagine if I saw
someone who had lost 200 # and I think I would be just as dumbstruck. I
would take it in stride and consider it a compliment! How close to goal
are you???
— Sheri A.
April 17, 2007
Hey! Congradulations on your weight loss! Im three months out and I have
lost 60lbs! Im so happy and excited about my weight loss it doesnt bother
me when people notice and ask me what have I done to lose weight. Im not
ashame of what I did. I know and my family knows how long I have excerise
and diet over the years and could not lose weight. What all of us on this
website has done is had surgery to help our health and that is not
something you should be ashame of. What we have done is something to be
proud of. It takes alot of guts for someone to let a doctor redo their
digestive system and risk their life. Be proud that strangers notices you
enough to realize that you have lost weight. I work with skinny women too,
but Im proud to tell them I have lost 60lbs and they are proud of me for
loosing 60lbs. Best of luck.
— barfiep01
April 17, 2007
Hi... Congrats on the great weight loss. While I feel that it is truly a
personal choice on how much you share and with whom. You also need to
understand that 99% of the people that are asking you these questions are
not coming from a place of spite. They are in awe of your accomplishment
and are curious. It is NOT an everyday occurence when you see someone
transform themselves. Choose to answer or not how you wish, but don't
think they are asking to make you feel bad. They don't realize that you
are so sensitive about it. Are you ashamed that you needed to lose 200#
and want to pretend that you were never there. Well, you were and take
pride in the fact that you have come so far. You can say, thank you for
noticing, it was quite a bit and I feel that it is a personal question. Or
whatever, but never be ashamed of who you were... as the old saying goes...
you've come along way baby... people notice. It is easy to notice the
outside shell and hard not to comment on such a major change. good luck to
you....
— Kari_K
April 17, 2007
It's a personal decision and you choose not to talk about it. That's fine,
but please try not to feel so irriate about the questions people ask. They
might be considering surgery and you don't even know it. Plus...it's a
complement - they are noticing your transformation and that should be kudos
to you - not make you upset. Personally, I talk to everyone about it. If
someone asks me questions, even personal ones - I am an open book. I have
found out that a lot of people have thought about or are thinking about the
process and my positive attitude and info helps them. People also hear only
the negative issues re: WLS on the radio, tv, etc. they are curious....and
seeing someone who has had surgery and is obviously successful.....they are
curious. The more we can educate the general public, the less
"offensive" the questions might get. Hang in there; go with the
flow. Tell them it's personal and leave it at that. If you feel like
sharing....do it! Education is the key to everything!
— jammerz
April 17, 2007
I guess I'm looking at the process that's happening to me as a good chance
to educate others. I've been heavy a long time and now people are going to
see me shrink. My husband is a very private person but I'm very outgoing.
People will have questions and so far they have been polite about it. Some
of my heavier friends might think I'm cheating by having wls but that's
something they have to deal with not me.
When I'm small I hope I'll be proud to tell others of my great
accomplishment, loosing a whole person in weight. Remember that every one
knows someone who is overweight, maybe someone they love. They want to
know there is help out there. You are a miracle to see, you give others
hope.
DebbieNB
— DebbieNB
April 17, 2007
So many people are against this surgery (here in Georgia anyway) that they
are super surprised to hear/see some success stories. Everyone seems to
know someone that had a very difficult time or even died from this surgery
that it scares them. Now that they know someone that has been as
successful as you, they are curious. Be patient, like other posters said,
it's not that they are insensitive, they are curious. God Bless and
congrats on yr wl!!!!
— crystalsno
April 17, 2007
HEY I ENJOYED telling people the number, and wore it with PRIDE!!!!
— bob-haller
April 17, 2007
I look at it as a great way to encourage those who may be scared or unsure
of the surgery. I myself would not have had RNY if my next door neighbor
hadn't one day whipped up her shirt and showed me her scar- reavealing that
she was once 395 lbs and now a nice cool 165 lbs and had maintained for 7
years, even having had a child. She inspired me and answered all my
questions (and still does). And I understand if you're a private person
and I agree with everyone on here that all you need to say quietly is, I
have lost a substantial amount of weight and I'm glad I did it... then
smile and walk away and tell them thank you when they say how great you're
looking! :) Best wishes!!
— airbear762000
April 17, 2007
To 'the gas station clerk' I would just reply to the question on how much
you lost with one word, 'alot'. If they persist on a number you could sure
say more than 10 pounds. LOL!
I have seen a lot of insensitive people and their fascination/jealously
with weight loss is probably the most inconsiderate.
Good luck
— dianehanson
April 17, 2007
Some comebacks:
I'll tell you if you'll tell me when you had your lobotomy!
to woman: First tell me is it a boy or girl???
to man: It's so easy to call a man an ass, but it's so much better when
they prove it for themselves!
to misc. idiots: None of your business!
— LouAB
April 18, 2007
I agree with the majority (a rarity for me, I admit!) who counsel you to
try not to be offended. Being asked doesn't bother me, and if it did I'd
remind myself that even though the people asking don't appear to need
surgery, you don't know if someone in their life does. I agree with the
above poster who sees herself as an educator. My surgery and weight loss
are a blessing, and with blessings, I feel, come responsibilities. You may
feel differently. Either way, it's cool. :)
— Jeanie
April 18, 2007
I always take into account who is asking -- what's their motivation. If
it's someone who is MO, I answer honestly because they may be considering
WLS as an option to their own health issues.... if it's a skinny minnie,
someone making small talk or a gossipy nosey person, I tell them more than
50#. It sounds like A LOT and they will be impressed -- and it's the
truth! You've lost WAY more than 50#.
— [Deactivated Member]
April 18, 2007
Hi
Well I am three years out as of April 2nd and I still get people asking how
did you lose so much and are you going to get plastic surgery on your loose
skin?
To the first question I answer I had Gastric Bypass Surgery & then tell
them about all the good and bad till they shut up.
To answer second question I look at them in the eyes and whisper "I am
not going to get Plastic Surgery because its a daily reminder of what I
once was and its all me" Tee hee gotta love the look I get then!
Personally I am in no big hurry to change my outer appearance for others.
One day I will decide and until then I am happy with all my lost weight and
excess skin!
— Tammy C.
April 18, 2007
Heather, congratulations on such a great weight loss, and in ony 17 months!
That is so wonderful. I do fully understand your issues. I didn't tell
everyone, even when they asked. I would just let them assume that it was
diet and exercise until I was ready for them to know. You have to decide
what is important to you and stick to it. You don't need to be rude or
unkind, that puts you on their level. People are nosy and unkind when they
want to be in the know about someone else. When someone asked me and I
didn't want them to know I would just say something like, "you know I
feel so much better now that I have lost weight, I enjoy exercising more
than ever before, and it is so good to feel healthy". If they ask how
much, and you don't want them to know, just be honest and say "you
know, that is kind of a personal question that I am not comfortable with,
but I appreciate that you noticed that I look different. Thank you".
It is kind and to the point. People will respect you if you are kind and
honest, even if they are not. You are right that you need to come up with
a few lines that will help you, but please don't revert to being like them.
You sound like a nice and sensitive woman, don't compromise your own
kindness to a rude person. You can be above that if you choose to. Losing
weight also means being challenged in your own growing up. Not hiding
behind your own weight issues anymore as you slim down can bring it's own
challenges. Best to you and I hope you find your way to speak with others.
Take care, Patricia P.
— Patricia P
April 18, 2007
I don't think that it's polite to ask someone how much they weigh, how much
they've lost, how much they've gained. If that is something a person wants
to share, they will. I don't think that you should be embarrassed by
having lost 200lbs--you have worked hard to reach that goal. It's nothing
to be ashamed of and in fact you should be proud! I think as far as
responding to questions you find uncomfortable, ask the person an equally
obnoxious one... I'll tell you, you tell me--how old are you? how much do
*you* weigh? how much are you trying to lose? when are you due? are you
anorexic? do you have an eating disorder? ----- my goal with the questions
is not to embarrass or shame anyone, just a way to try and convey that the
"how much have you lost?" is as private and unappreciated as the
above questions. With the personal questions / excess skin stuff...
"are you going to have a breast lift/tummy tuck/lipo/face lift?"
If you are asked by someone like the gas station clerk or cashier or
whatever... "do you ask all your customers about this?" or
"what makes you think that would be an ok question to ask a
stranger/customer/etc. ?" or even "This is an inappropriate
question, I wonder what your manager/employer/supervisor would
think."
Best wishes!
— mrsidknee
April 18, 2007
To those that asked I have met the doctor's goal of 160, I am at #155 now.
I would like to lose another 5lbs. Thanks for all the advice.
— tazthewiz23
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