Question:
My husband harldy has sex with me because of my weight
Ok I have a personal issue I have dealing with it and its kindof embarrasing and need some help. I have gained 100 pounds since my husband and I got together but its been over a course of 15 years. We meet in high school when I was athletic and small HOWEVER he has always been on the big side. Throughout the years he has gained a little but now we hardly ever have intercourse. We have a good relationship except when this is brought up. He tells me it has nothing to do with me but that since we are both big its alot harder??? I think he is being self-centered you know? I am doing this surgery for ME and MY HEALTH but I dont know how I will feel if AFTER the surgery he than cant keep his hands off me like before if that happens. Because it really hurts me...Anyone deal with something like this? — libragirl76 (posted on March 28, 2010)
March 28, 2010
Wow, I was just recently dealing with the same issue. A very close friend
(male) advised me #1)to forget about hubby for a bit and focus on myself
and I did (pampering myself more). #2)how do I feel about myself deep down
and I said I feel like a misfit and that everybody else is so much better
than me. He sincerely shared with me how attracted he is to his 305lb wife
who just happens to be very confident in herself...by the way my handsome
friend previously never had an attraction to heavier women. He explained to
me that what is on the inside really does radiate outwardly and sends
messages to the people around us. Im scheduled for surgery April 6 and Im
looking forward to the increased confidence I keep hearing about. I often
wonder what will my husbands behavior be like toward me after my weight
loss. Go easy on your husband. You will definetly radiate more confidence
and feel sexier about who you are and that will be a big turn ON!
— Kat_6665
March 28, 2010
I am so excited for you wow April 6th!!! I am in the middle of my 6 mo
diet! I hope it goes well for you good luck! I am going to take your advice
and just concentrate on myself. He says all I talk about is my weight and
how bad I feel and I am sure that has to some to do with it.
— libragirl76
March 29, 2010
This is not your issue- it is his issue. After dealing with this issue for
the last 16 of my 35 year marriage, for me nothing helped. When I weighed
150 (I am 5'9") and wore a size 8 that did not matter. It was not
good enough. When I got breast implants thinking that would help...nope.
After going from therapist to therapist did that help...nope. It did not
help because the issue was not in me. When I finally, finally realized
that and finally lost the weight for myself after stuffing my years of
living with rejection, I decided to have surgery for myself. Confident,
yes... abandoned, oh yes,yes, yes. So I hope it gets better for you.
Quite frankly I have decided living with a roommate who happens to be my 35
year partner is not enough....especially when he cannot keep his eyes off
other women. I took my life back when I had this surgery, and that was
only the 1st step. There are many, may men who love their wives regardless
of their size. It took years of observations and soul searching to come to
that realization. But why should I be surprised. When I was 19 and dating
my husband, one day he asked me how much I weighed. When I told him, he
told me I needed to lose 20 pounds. What a red flag. I was too naive to
see what was to come. Years and years of no sex or emotional intimacy. It
is the hardest thing I have ever done to admit this fact, but it is what it
is. My husband would not get into therapy and work through his issues. So
he will have to go it alone. I grieved and ate my feelings for years...now
I am finding my voice.
— dasie
March 29, 2010
I already replied to this very nice gal via email, but wow you guys have
given her great advice. Yes, one gal says, I think it was Anna, that some
spouses are never happy, and boy oh boy she pinned it right on the tail.
Now my hubby tells me I am too boney, the hell with him and his opinion!
My friend do what is good for you, PERIOD!
Good luck!
— FSUMom
March 29, 2010
My experience was close to Anna's in a lot of ways. The problem with my 1st
marriage wasn't just my problem, he had a much bigger problem but refused
to acknowledge it or go to counseling with me. After I had surgery and was
a newbie post-op (10 years ago!) I was riding high in the self-confidence
thing for the first time in my life. Yes, it showed. The way I carried
myself was different, the way I dressed was different, I began spending
more time and energy on my appearance (make-up and hair - nothing
excessive, just took the time to fix myself up for work and such), I
started noticing men noticing me, I started speaking my mind more instead
of stuffing and swallowing my feelings. Things in our marriage were WRONG,
we were most definitely two roomies sharing a home and two kids but I
wanted more from the marriage. When you measure how long it's been since
you've held hands or kissed by YEARS that is a huge red flat! I entered
counseling alone when he refused to go with me. I learned that I deserved
more than what I was settling for and that my biggest fear that had kept me
there and unhappy was that I thought because I was so big that nobody else
would want me. Finally I requested he attend counseling one last time and
he refused. I told him I couldn't live that way anymore and that I would
be looking for a place to live the next day. He wrote me a letter telling
me that he had NEVER loved me the way a man loves a wife and that sealed
the deal for me. After the kids and I moved out he suddenly had a change
of heart and tried to make-up with me but the hurt of that letter
permanently closed the door on any future dealings. Today I am happily
married to a man who loves me for who I am on the inside AND the outside.
I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I noticed the prince who had been my
friend for 2 years.
In closing my suggestion to you is basically the same as the others have
posted. Make this surgery about YOU and not him. Get into counseling NOW
if you can to help you start working through some of the issues and the
hurt you are going through.
There is no way to predict how he is going to react after your surgery and
once you start dropping weight. If he can't keep his hands off of you then
I would suggest a sit down talk expressing how you have felt all this time.
On the other hand, you may find that since he is also big he may become
jealous or insecure and may try to sabotage your success. Or he could
become your biggest fan and even look into the surgery for himeself if he
has enough excess weight. That is something that you will just have to
cross when you get there but don't let fears about the future hold you back
from gaining your life back. Just don't expect anything but mentally
prepare for everything that could come your way and know that you will be
ok no matter what.
— Kellye C.
April 16, 2010
I had very low self esteem prior to my surgery and wasn't even aware of it.
this surgery will empower you and it is for you-----if your husband all of
a sudden wants u as you begin to lose wight than with your new found
empowerment u will have to decide how to deal with that. For me, once I
lost my weight I realized my husband wasn't who I thought he was. He
started to really get into me more as I lost the weight and I wanted him
less and less. Hey, Iwas looking good and other men were noticing me--I
didn't have to be entrapped in a relationship that wasn't about me but
about what I had become---I had two children at the time and weight 300
lbs. Let me just tell you that losing weight and feeling good about who
you are is empowering and it is a great feeling----you are a good person
whether you are heavy or not heavy----it is who u r on the inside but your
husband has lost sight of that. make him gravel for you-----
— kbruno
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