Question:
Did anyone else have my problem?

My husband is not being supportive in my decision to have WLS. This makes me feel very guilty that I am going to do something he is against.    — MARSHA D. (posted on June 11, 2001)

June 11, 2001
Marsha: Has he explained to you exactly why he is opposed to the surgery? Obviously, he loves you and is concerned about your going thru major surgery and the chances of your not coming out of it alive. He needs to research the chances of your dying from obesity and your quality of life now, and the chances of your going thru with the surgery and how much better you will feel and your chances of living a long and healthy life. Show him this web site and let him read about how many more messages there are from people who have had no complications than there are from people who have had complications. Sure, it can happen. But your chances of having an uneventful surgery and recovery are much greater than having complications. In the end, however, it is your decision to make. Even if he doesn't agree, this is a decision that only you can make because it is, after all, your life. Good luck to you no matter what your decision is, let us know how you are doing. Hugs and kisses, Pat
   — nealp

June 11, 2001
Marsha: Has he explained to you exactly why he is opposed to the surgery? Obviously, he loves you and is concerned about your going thru major surgery and the chances of your not coming out of it alive. He needs to research the chances of your dying from obesity and your quality of life now, and the chances of your going thru with the surgery and how much better you will feel and your chances of living a long and healthy life. Show him this web site and let him read about how many more messages there are from people who have had no complications than there are from people who have had complications. Sure, it can happen. But your chances of having an uneventful surgery and recovery are much greater than having complications. He may also be afraid of how you will change after you lose the weight, and the fact that men will start paying attention to you. Reassure him that you will love him no matter what. In the end, however, it is your decision to make. Even if he doesn't agree, this is a decision that only you can make because it is, after all, your life. Good luck to you no matter what your decision is, let us know how you are doing. Hugs and kisses, Pat
   — nealp

June 11, 2001
Marsha, my husband was also very against my having the surgery. I asked him to visit this web site and do the research with me but he refused. He said his reason was he didnt think I could handle the "after effects". In other words I could never give up my old way of eating. No matter what I said he still was against it. I decided that this was for me and I felt I did the research and knew what i was getting myself into, so I went ahead with it. My surgery was 5/21 and I cannot beleive how supportive he has been since. He has literally waited on me hand and foot for the last 3 weeks and has not once complained. He is starting to notice the weight loss but doesn't make a big deal of it. I am just glad he came around.
   — [Anonymous]

June 11, 2001
Marsha, go to www.wlscenter.com it is a website by Barbara Thompson. Her husband has written a letter to all "significant others". Maybe this will help your husband understand your situation better. good luck, debbie
   — deb_wls2001

June 11, 2001
While I am not married, I do understand the issues you're up against. It is very common for spouses, other family members and friends not to be supportive of WLS, and there are several reasons for it. The first is fear of losing you. He loves you and major surgery is often scary to people. Worse yet, people view this surgery as our "choice". They don't understand why we would "choose" to have major abdominal surgery. After all, why can't we just stop eating a few less twinkies? (But you would never question a heart transplant, for example.) In our quest for better health, many of us have come up against the horror stories of this surgery - 99.99% of which are simply untrue and unsubstantiated. I call it the "my mother's uncle's cousin's sister heard that......" syndrome. Rumors and misinformation multiply every time someone repeats it. The second reason for his lack of support is lack of information. Provide him with as many resources as possible, and then leave it up to him to actually read them. If he is intent on intentionally being ignorant on the subject, there's nothing you can do. The third reason is his own insecurity and/or possible weight issues he may be having. Is he obese as well? If so, your steps to do something about your health may be making him feel guilty about what he perceives is his own lack of action. If he is not obese, then he simply may not be able to completely understand what you are going through and how your obesity has impacted your life. Let's face it, it's very hard to understand our position if someone hasn't been there themselves. People can be sympathetic, but they still haven't experienced it like we have. As your husband, he may be feeling very insecure about your relationship. What will happen when you're thinner? Will you be more desirable to other men? Will you be attracted to other men? What kinds of emotional changes will you experience and how will that affect your relationship? Simply assure him that you love him, and that will not change just because your size does. And the thing to really emphasize is how much healthier and happier you will be and how much LONGER the 2 of you will have together. Many of us can say without hesitation that WLS has saved our lives. The other hard question you must ask yourself is whether or you are in an abusive relationship. Many of us have accepted "second best" in our relationships, because our size has made us feel unworthy. Sometimes we feel trapped to "accept what we can get", because we fear nothing better will come along. We sometimes allow people to control us and hold our weight over our heads. This goes for spouses and friends. Evaluate your relationship truthfully. If you are in an abusive relationship, he is realizing that his control over you is slipping away. I hope this has helped. Hang in there. The bottom line is that you must do what's right for you for your long term health and happiness!!! Best wishes.
   — Paula G.

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