Question:
Has anyone had marital problems after the surgery?
My husband and I have been married for 35 years and have 6 grown children. I am 53,my husband had an affair which lasted for 4years. He has told me it was because of my weight. We have remained together, but I am worried what his reaction will be when I start losing weight, I lost almost a hundred # a few years ago but I put most of it back on, I felt great when I had lost the wt, he was busy with (other things) at that time so I'm not sure he noticed. Most of the posting I have read, everyone has a husband who is very supportive. I am schuduled for surgery on 3-27-02 — [Anonymous] (posted on February 8, 2002)
February 8, 2002
I found that my marriage has improved with the WLS, because I'm more in
control of my life and able to be a better mate. I'm not sure this is
always the case, though. There is a high divorce rate after WLS, sometimes
instigated by the loser and sometimes instigated by the spouse. This is a
major change/transition, and you will need to work hard at your marriage if
you intend to preserve it.
— Terissa R.
February 8, 2002
Mine is definatly better. I'm more attractive to him, and I feel more
attractive. I have more energy and I'm more out going. My husband loves
his new wife. He loved the old one too, but I think he wouldn't trade this
one.
— Phiddy B.
February 8, 2002
I think a lot of it depends on how good your marriage is before surgery.
Others have said it before me, but the surgery can make a good marriage
better, and a bad one worse. It sounds to me like you and your husband
need to sit down and talk about this. He may just be worried about whether
you'll survive the surgery or have complications, or he may worry about
whether you'll still want to be with him after you lose weight.
— garw
February 9, 2002
I really felt for you when I read your question. Others have said it here
before, but let me reinterate that the main reason to have the surgery is
for *you*...not for someone else, as I'm sure you know already. You might
want to consider getting some counseling going as you have concerns about
this pre-op...especially since it sounds like your husband is trying to
blame his long-term infidelity on you. Big Hugs.
— CaseyinLA
July 10, 2002
Since you are post-surgery, I can be blunt. My live-in girlfriend/partner
did not cope well with my WLS. She was upset when her mother had it and
less stable when I had it done.
She screamed "you and my mom bought your weight loss it doens't
count" and "How can you do this? People will all be saying how
nice you look and I will still be fat."
She did not show up much at the hospital when I was there and two days
after surgery she left me. She ran off with a guy older than her father
and married him a week later.
Of course, she had some serious issues before the surgery. But my surgeon
says that break-ups are not uncommon with this operation. If you think
there are problems in your relationship...SEEK COUNSELING BEFORE THE
SURGERY!!!!
— Thomas M.
January 7, 2003
I'm sorry that you're having such a bad time. My husband was very
supportive of the surgery. He said he'd love me no matter what size I was.
I felt so loved and lucky to be with a man who felt this way. We were
married 18 years and together 24 when he just up and left me 4 weeks post
op. He left me for a woman he worked with...she is short, fat and terribly
unattractive. That's what I've been told by everyone...I've personally
never met her. It came out in counceling that he felt I wouldn't need him
any longer when I was thin...and the other woman did. He felt I would
leave him when my weight was gone. Crazy thoughts. I never would have.
It's been 4 months since he left...I'm stronger, happier and more alive
than ever...now he regrets his decision. If anyone out there is thinking
of leaving because of your own insecurities I implore that you get into
counceling! It will only make things better regardless of how they end up.
Good luck. LG
— sanicola
September 13, 2005
I had surgery December 30, 2004. I spent New Years eve and day in the
hospital. My husband was very supportive and caring through
everything..........until the weight really started coming off. I was
(5'4") 240#s pre-surgery. Now (9/05) I am 166 and still losing. My
husband says he wants a plump woman, not a skinny stick and has threatened
several times to leave me if I get too skinny. I mentioned that I needed
to get back to working out on the treadmill (he bought for me) and he
objected. He says he doesn't want me toned, he thinks women should be soft
and feminine. We argue now whenever I try to discuss my wt loss. Now that
I can wear cuter clothes vs. mu-mu dresses and baggy sweats, he accuses me
of trying to look cute for other men and dressing to attract attention to
myself. The clothes I wear aren't revealing, sexy, or too short. He's
always been the outgoing one, the attractive one, Mr. Vanity, and he never
had a problem telling me about all the women who tried to hit on him on a
daily basis, now the shoe fits me, he's jealous (but won't admit it) and
can't stand it. I've never cheated on him; I don't brag or even think
about getting attention from other men; I look and feel good for myself.
That's why and who I had the surgery for ME. I just smile and remind him
that it would be much easier for me to get a new man now that I'm 74#s
lighter! So far, he's still here and much kinder with that little friendly
reminder!
— CHARLYLVN
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