Question:
Can someone help me with the loss of a boyfriend due to having weight loss surgery?
Help...I'm feeling down. Lost boyfriend & rny contributed... I'm having a real tough time right now. After 13 mos. together, my boyfriend has decided to break off our relationship. He insists that this is about him, not me, but I know my surgery has had some effect. He is an obese guy (probably about 100 overweight), but he is wonderful. However, lately he has just been feeling so bad about himself. He says he doesn't deserve me and that in 6 mos. I'll be changed and want someone better. Believe me....I thought about the same thing, but I decided that he was soooo important to me and that the physical didn't matter. I'm having a hard time accepting his decision, and actually have been acting pretty desperate in asking him to change his mind. I just can't help but think that he'll get over feeling bad about himself soon, and why give up a good thing. Any advice on what to do? Should I try to hang in there...or just accept his decision. I'm not regretting my rny, but it's not going to change who I am inside and what I'm looking for in a man. Thanks for allowing me to vent. — Tracy L. (posted on October 4, 2001)
October 4, 2001
He's right. It's not about *you*, it's about *him*. So, there
is nothing you can do or say to change his mind. It's similar tp
what I went through with a good friend. We were both fat and the
best of friends for over 20 years. We were *family*. She was totally
supportive of my wls in the beginning. But as I lost weight, she became
convinced that I didn't want to do things with her....that I thought I
was better than her....that I hated fat people...yada yad yada. All of it
was in her head, those weren't my feelings. I had to let the friendship
die. Your bf is jealous of your success and angry because he doesn't have
the strength to have the surgery. Let him go....if you are meant to be
together, you'll find your way back to each other.
— [Anonymous]
October 4, 2001
Sounds to me like your SO has a *serious* case of insecurity. Is that
something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Let him go, get
someone who is secure in you and himself and have a fabulous life :) There
is nothing wrong with him, he just needs a little help from your friendly
neighborhood shrink :))))
— jammie B.
October 4, 2001
I'm going through some thing VERY similiar in my relationship. My husband
and I have been married for 2 years and have recently seperated, he has
accused me of having an affair to hating him because he's overweight. He's
also said some very ugly things to me about my RNY telling me I could not
have lost weight or looked like I do if I hadn't done it the easy way and
got my insides cut out. He was against the surgery in the first place, but
I did it for me and not HIM. He's gained weight in the last 5 months since
I had my RNY and blames it on me while I've lost 70 lbs!! I don't need
that sort of attitude in my life and neither do you!!!
— [Anonymous]
October 4, 2001
I'm a guy 100+ MO who can certainly identify with your BF's feelings. My
wife has watched my weight gain over the past 23 years with growing
concern. Fortunately, she, like you, can see the person under the fat and
wants me to be happy. I often feel like I don't deserve her and get
depressed. Of course I don't know either of you but maybe he needs to
hear, again, how you feel and that it won't change just because you have
WLS. Just make sure you are being as true to yourself as you can be. My 2
cents.
— Phil M.
October 4, 2001
I can relate I have been with my husband for 5 years and over these five
years I have gained 100 pounds, I feel as though I need this surgery for
myself to make me happy. Our relationship has taken a turn for the bad,
meaning that he thinks I want the surgery to get someone else, which if he
doesnt straighten up I will find someone that will love me for who I am...
This is the man I have a child with, and I would love to be a family, but I
want to be happy and live to see my daughter grow up...
— [Anonymous]
October 4, 2001
Tracy - I am just so sorry that you have got to deal with this right now.
I'm sure you are going through a lot of insecurities and emotions yourself.
My surgery isn't until later this month, and already my hubby of 15 years
is getting skittish. I wish he would'nt be this way, but I don't know how
he feels, and I really never will. I try to be understanding and
reassuring, but I hope he isn't going to get worse. You know what is right
for you, but I don't think you should ever beg anyone for anything,
especially their love. You will surely find happiness soon, and it may be
with him, and it may not. You have so many options. Good luck, and
remember you deserve the very best, whatever that may be.
— Lisa B.
October 4, 2001
Tracy, I think you should sit him down and talk to him. He might be having
feelings of you not being attracted to him anymore unless he does the
surgery too. <p> If you love him and he loves you it will all work
out. Just let him know that surgery wont change your feelings toward him.
He might be having a self-esteem problem at the moment and he is scared. If
it is meant to be it will be. Keep up your chin and be reassuring. Nothing
but best wishes for you guys. Take care
— Kathy H.
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